Heaven = Zombies + Pi

Why is it...

2011-09-05T23:32:00.001-04:00

...that whenever I open up this silly new post window, everything I've wanted to say ends up flying out the window???

Maybe because my brain can't function under extreme exhaustion.

To bed with me. Tomorrow is a long day. Another doctor appointment - this time to have a growth removed, a lunch date with an old friend, and then I need to start working on my papers that are due next week and get ready for tomorrow's class.

Oh, did I forget to mention that I graduated? Yeah, I did. It was pretty awesome. My family all came in from across the US just to see me finally graduate. Only took 10 years but that chapter of my life is over. I ended up 2 classes short of a Statistics degree so I had to settle for a General Studies degree. I also didn't get into the Biostatistics program that I wanted but as a last minute entry, I was conditionally accepted into the Master of Arts in Liberal Studies program. Yay me! I only have to get at least a B in all 3 of the classes I'm taking this semester and see the writing tutor for every writing assignment I have (which is one a week thanks to my Juvenile Justice class).

Things aren't so bad so far. The only exam I have is 1 midterm, but there are a lot of papers to write and we all know I haven't the foggiest idea how to do those. I'll be okay though, I just need to figure out how to do this.

Anywho, gotta hit the bed. I just wanted to at least get in an update.

Here's a really cool random photo for you.

ADELE - 'Make You Feel My Love'

2011-04-20T23:45:00.000-04:00

There is no other way for me to express how I feel about my children...but this comes pretty damned close.

It's almost done

2011-04-18T22:16:00.000-04:00

I have 19 days left until graduation....but I'm so exhausted that I just don't care. I really feel bad for not keeping my multitude of fans updated on my life but you know how it is. Hopefully things will be a little less hectic after graduation.

So here's a bit of an update...sorry it won't be much but I'm really exhausted and I still haven't studied for my exam tomorrow.

Softball season started again. I know you're excited because I am too! Grabbed my shirt today and it's a red shirt with dark blue letters. Pictures will be posted as I get them. The games start next Monday.

I turned in my Capstone project, all 24+ pages of it, today (two weeks early!) so I'm done with that class and I only have 2 presentations, another 20 page paper, 2 exams, and 2 finals left to do....but who's counting?

I've decided that I'm going to home school the leech next year and at the moment he's not exactly thrilled about it. He's stuck on the (incorrect) fact that he'll never see his friends again. My bird may be coming home this summer to spend the school year with me again, which means I'll home school him as well. This paragraph will require a whole other blog post .... just not right now.

I must be more tired then I thought because I can't think of anything else that is even remotely important. Give me 20 days and I'll fill you in again...lol?

Just a thought...

2011-03-06T21:57:00.001-05:00

Lunch Time

2011-03-05T15:11:00.000-05:00

Soybean Humour

Okay so I did a little experiment with lunch today. I got some soy burgers yesterday at Earth Fare and warmed one up today. I added tomatoes, lettuce, brocco sprouts, dijonaise, and some vegan sliced cheese. The result was okay. I think it would have been better on a different type of bread (I just used a regular sliced wheat bread) but the biggest thing is that I've decided I'm not a fan of the vegan sliced cheese. Maybe I'll try the Rice sliced cheese next time...or maybe I'll just give up on sliced cheese all together, I don't really need it. Also, soy burgers are going to take a bit of getting used to.

The coolest thing ever!

2011-03-04T20:44:00.000-05:00

Is not dried banana chips....sorry, I just don't like them!

I did just stumble upon this site while between blog posts. It's the neatest thing! You can turn your blog into a book!! It's called...wait for it...Blog2Print!

Okay, I've got that out of my system...now onto the real reason for the post...DINNER!

Doesn't exactly look like the recipe pictures did but it tasted pretty good. The red stuff in the bottom left is frozen raspberries that I defrosted at the last minute because the couscous was a total bust. I'm not sure why because I've never cooked it before but I'm pretty sure I didn't let the water boil hard enough. I'm going to try again because I'm determined to eat it one day! Oh yeah, a couple other alterations I made the the recipes. I used honey on the carrots instead of maple syrup because I didn't have enough syrup and the asparagus has a touch of garlic and a bit of lemon juice (instead of just the lemon wedge required in the recipe).

After dinner I ate a very small bowl of vanilla bean gellato - like only 1/2 a cup. I really shouldn't have because I'd done so well today with eating no dairy but I managed to find a pint of it at Earth Fare and I had a coupon. Besides, I won't eat it often and I'll probably let the leech have some as a special treat tomorrow. Speaking of the leech, he ate up those carrots...asked for 3 helpings!

Ooooh! The Symphony is tomorrow...I can't wait!!!

Get the Funk Out!

2011-03-04T08:46:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I have a confession to make....I've been a bit of an ass. There was a huge misunderstanding that included me, my mother, and my sister...and it ended up with me getting upset over virtually nothing and probably upsetting my sister, definitely (and unnecessarily) calling her loyalties into question. I really shouldn't have said anything. I should have realized that what I was being told was out of context and over a year old...but in my mind my mother is infallible. It's a flaw of mine that I should work on.

Anyway, within this conversation was imbeded my remark about how I honestly don't care what people think about me. I'm who I am and I'm not going to change that just because I make you uncomfortable. If you can't accept me then you can just "get the funk out". Which led me to my most current theme song, aptly entitled Get the Funk Out.

I loved Extreme when I was in high school...and I mean really, who doesn't enjoy a couple of good looking men without their shirts on? :)

The above song is probably not very popular. I'm not exactly sure they got the kind of fame that I wished for them; however, here is a song that you may have heard. Enjoy!

100 things about me

2011-03-03T22:39:00.001-05:00

I'm broke.
I love numbers more than people.
I'm a world class procrastinator.
I have the best friends ever.
My boys give me a passion for life.
My oldest son has saved my life.
I should have been born in the 50's (or the 20's).
I don't read books...I inhale them.
My brain is swiss cheese.
Because of #9, my memory is non-existent.
I'd rather be a ruler of some far away island.
I'm already running out of things to say.
I wish the room I'm in had a bathroom.
I'm epically AWESOME!
I have no words for how proud I am to be a member of Phi Sigma Pi.
I'm always right but no one listens.
I'm halfway to 70 now!
I'm allergic to dairy products.
I often wonder if I could kill someone and when I think about it I doubt that it would bother me.
I'm a little bit psychotic. ;)
I'm great at compartmentalizing.
I tried really hard to be an alcoholic but failed miserably.
Everyone thinks I'm a lesbian but I'm not...which is why I'm still single. *sigh*
I hate talking on the phone.
I hate people who don't shut up once they get you on the phone.
I hate liars.
I refuse to lie.
I'm the biggest rule-follower that you'll ever meet.
I call Public Safety all the time whenever I see someone smoking on campus...even if they're my friend.
My balance is so bad that I can't bend over to take my socks off, I have to moonwalk out of them.
#30 was featured on Post Secret's Twitter.
I wish Tennessee was flatter so I could ride my bike everywhere.
I'm glad I live in Tennessee because the mountains are gorgeous.
I forgive easily.
I doubt myself constantly.
I struggle every day to overcome my laziness.
I literally can sleep all day long.
I have a weird form of insomnia where it is difficult for me to fall asleep but once I do I have an even harder time waking up.
#38 got me in trouble a lot in the ARMY.
I'm surprised I made it this far.
I'm extremely socially awkward and probably wouldn't have many friends if I didn't have a computer.
I've always wanted the Irish Barbie from the Barbies of the World Collection.
I collect dragons but haven't gotten any in a few years.
I'm thinking about publishing both of the papers I'm writing this semester.
I have no confidence in my writing ability.
I actually write very well.
I have a mild form of Prosopagnosia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prosopagnosia.
My mother has a severe form of Prosopagnosia.
I miss my Devon so much that I can't let myself think about it or I wouldn't be able to function.
The only celebrity I've ever had a "crush" on was Will Wheaton back when he was Wesley Crusher.
I actually wrote to Will and got a generic autographed photo.
My mother thinks I was having sex at age 16.
I didn't start having sex until I was 18.
I worry sometimes that I'm just existing and not actually living.
I have control issues (but you knew that).
My earliest memory is 5th grade.
I'm worried about what may have happened before 5th grade to make me forget.
I have a few vague memories of when I was 8 or 9 but nothing else before then. (that's around 3rd grade)
I'm afraid of what could be in the dark.
I remember the weirdest things.
I'm REALLY surprised I made it this far...did you?
I hate it when people beat around the bush or don't tell you something because they don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'd rather know than not.
It really bothers me when people don't like me ... until I understand why and then I can let it go.
I don't watch the news...at all.
I didn't know where Egypt was until Fox News screwed it up.
I wish I could play guitar.
Being a Lesbian is on my Bucket List...but only so I can tell my mom "yes" next time she asks if I'm a lesbian.
My mom asks me if I'm a lesbian, every time she sees me.
I get frustrated that people can't just read my mind and make me have to actually explain things.
I'm concerned I might have early onset Alzheimer's.
I stutter.
I'd rather sit at home and watch a movie instead of going out.
I love to dance but I never do it anymore.
I want to go to an Opera.
I can't believe you're still reading!
My vocabulary isn't as large as it used to be.
My vocabulary is so large that I don't know what half the words I know mean...but I can use them correctly in a sentence.
I have anger issues because of the way I grew up.
I refuse to hit my kids anymore because I'm afraid of going to far.
I'm going deaf.
I should learn sign-language.
I wish I had the Hulk's super jump power.
I could really use another cup of tea.
I walk around with numb toes because I have poor circulation in my legs.
I bruise easy.
I have chronic Costochondritis http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Costochondritis.
I'm really running out of things to say now.
I hate describing myself.
Wooo I'm almost done!
I hate that America always tries to help other countries when we have more than enough problems to deal with here.
I've been homeless.
I know what it means to be truly hungry.
If I won a million dollars I'd start up a program to help children of the "working poor" all over the Nation.
I'm slightly color blind - I can't tell the difference in shades and hues of the same color.
I have verbal diarrhea sometimes.
I think making out in class is extremely tacky and rude and you should be kicked out for it.
I just skipped to #100 to fill it out.
I'm kinda sad this is over because now I have to go back to work...
I have beautiful gonorrhea - my professor said so!

Dinner tomorrow...or maybe Sunday night!

2011-03-03T20:47:00.000-05:00

I'm in the mood to experiment...and I have a ton of food in my cabinets that I need to use up. I have this nifty gadget in my iGoogle homepage that lets me input what ingredients I have and it finds recipes for me and through this amazing tool, I've decided I'm going to make this! (Click for the recipes)

Oregano-Lemon Chicken

Roasted Asparagus

Maple-Glazed Carrots

and Couscous with Cilantro

All of it seems super easy to make and it's all within my dietary restrictions - with the exception of a little bit of butter because I couldn't see the point in throwing (or giving) away the ginormous tub of butter I already had. Once that's gone though, I'm sticking with margarine.

Speaking of being within budget. This is a great book for those of us who want to eat healthy and not spend an arm and a leg, and you can get it cheap at Amazon.com!

I'll let you know how the dinner goes and maybe even try and take some pictures of it on my phone. Fair warning though, the pictures will be extremely low quality. Maybe one day I'll get another camera.

Unplugging!!!

2011-03-03T16:59:00.000-05:00

So I'm seriously thinking about deleting my Facebook account. I know, I know...it's sheer lunacy! But I really am thinking about it. I mean, I barely play any of the games anymore. Here's what I use Facebook for (and how I can replace it):

Chatting with friends (Yahoo!/Skype)
Uploading photos (Photobucket/yFrog/Here)
Updating statuses/Sharing gems of wisdom/informing everyone how I've just recently embarrassed my children (Blog)

So you see...Oh, and I can still use my emails and forums for things if I need to....I really don't need Facebook anymore.

What do you think??

Please take the cow out of my milk

2011-02-21T20:54:00.000-05:00

Oh yes you heard me. I'm starting to eliminate dairy from my diet for health reasons. It's going pretty good I think. My biggest concern wasn't that I couldn't physically do it, it was that I was afraid I'd hate everything that was a dairy replacement. I have to say, I used soy yogurt, rice cheese, and a non-dairy sour cream all in the same meal and it was absolutely delicious!

I'm actually looking forward to seeing how close I can follow my new food preference tomorrow. It's going to be a little difficult because I'm on campus all day tomorrow but I'm leaving my debit card at home (my bank account is already cheering) and I've already packed my lunch (over stuffed the bag as usual!) so I should be okay.

I'm exhausted though so I think I'll go to bed early.

While we're on the subject...

2011-02-19T21:13:00.000-05:00

I'm really glad that you're happy with him...I really am....but I'm starting to feel like you don't give a shit about me anymore. It seems like every time I try to spend time with you I get brushed off. On the off chance that we do do something together I don't feel like you're all there with me and you always put a time limit on it because you have to get back to him. I shouldn't have to adjust my schedule around your boyfriend and I really don't appreciate it anymore.

I miss my friend.

Worst. Birthday. Ever.

2011-02-19T21:06:00.000-05:00

Slightly over-dramatic I admit, but it's definitely one of the top 5. Which really makes me sad.

I made plans. I thought they would be fun. Dinner with friends and then roller skating. I can't skate...it's been years but that wasn't the point. The point was to go out and have fun and spend time with friends.

Dinner was pleasant. Eight friends showed up and we enjoyed dinner. Yet...I still felt isolated. Perhaps it was the fact that we weren't all at one table and separate ones (even though they were close together). I still felt like I always do...an observer on the outside looking in. While we were there, I had 4 friends text and say they couldn't come because of one reason or another.

After dinner, the leech and I went and picked up some groceries. When we came home we saw that V had come home early from work which made me happy because that meant she could go skating with me....but she said she doesn't skate so she wouldn't go.

Okay, I know that she and I agreed to go to lunch tomorrow but I couldn't help but feel extremely let down and hurt. It's not just her, it's every other person who was invited but didn't go because they "don't skate". Forgive me for thinking that this party was about me and not you. It made me cry. Why the fuck am I crying on my birthday?

I wanted to hide in my room but the leech and I went skating anyway because that's what I wanted to do and there might have been someone who decided to show up....I should have stayed home. Not only didn't anyone show up but the leech fell twice and hurt his butt and even though he can't skate a lick and was hurting himself he didn't want to quit because he didn't want to ruin my birthday. I told him it was okay because I couldn't have fun if he wasn't enjoying him self. He cried because he thought he'd ruined my birthday. It made me cry. My son was the only one who understood the importance of my birthday to me.

We went to McDonald's and got sundae's, rented a movie, and are watching it in my room right now.

I hate holidays. They're not important. Valentine's Day, Christmas, New Year's, Halloween...they're all just another day to me. Birthdays are the most important days to me. They celebrate the miracle of life. I might be complacent about a lot of things, but damnit I enjoy birthdays. Or at least I should. Not so much today.

I felt insignificant and unappreciated. I plan on spending the rest of the weekend with my phone off and hiding in my room. I don't even want to go to lunch with anyone.

Reflections of the last 35 years

2011-02-11T10:51:00.004-05:00

So in 9 days I'll officially be halfway to 70 and I figured that I'd leave some sage advice for my younger friends.

You remember that movie, He's Just Not That Into You? While it was a wonderfully cute, feel-good movie , the message is still there and for God's sake, listen!

"So trust me when I say if a guy is treating you like he doesn't give a shit, he genuinely doesn't give a shit. No exceptions."
"If a guy wants to be with a girl, he will make it happen, no matter what."

Stop whining about how you can never meet the right person. You attract what you believe yourself to be. If you have low self-esteem, you're going to attract people who take advantage of that. I don't care how nice of a guy you are, if you don't believe that you deserve the love of a good woman, all you're going to attract are mental cases and you're going to end up alone.

We're all users. Every relationship is based on how much we use the other person. In healthy relationships the is an equal amount of give and take. All parties are in agreement in what they allow the other person to use them for. Case in point:

Husband and Stay-At-Home-Mom. Wife uses husband for security in the form of money, shelter, insurance, etc.. Husband uses wife to keep house clean, look after kids, socialization with the neighbors that he may not normally be able to do, a pretty face on his arm at the bosses dinner. They both use each other for sex and emotional comforting.

Life is a hard uphill ride with lots of rocks and other varying degrees of obstacles. You can either sit it out and bitch about how you can't get around that particular bullshit in your path at the moment or you can stfu and get over it. Realize that you're not the only one who suffers. And hey, guess what? Your shit isn't near as bad as the person next to you and I guarantee that they bear their burdens quietly.

You can't fix stupid. I've tried. Don't bother. Just ignore it.

It doesn't matter if God exists or not. No one can prove or disprove it. Oh sure, they can "kind of" prove or disprove it, but there's nothing out there 100% saying there is or isn't a God. I mean, short of God him(her)self coming down and calling us all imbeciles for doubting, I doubt we can ever really know the truth of God's existence. That's the point though. Faith isn't about proof...it's about believing in the possibility of something. If you take away someone's faith, you take away their hope and without hope we're nothing but empty shells walking around polluting the Earth.

It takes an enormous amount of courage to get out of bed every day to face the unknown. Sure there might be things in your life that are 'normal' and happen every day. Like kissing your kids good morning or having your morning coffee with your significant other, or even that fight with your husband because yet again he left the toilet seat up last night and when you got up in the middle of the night to pee, you sat down on the toilet without checking. Ignoring the things that you know will happen...what if today is the day that you find out you have cancer? What if today your child falls out of the tree and breaks a bone? What if today you find out that your wife of the last 25 years, whom you love more than life itself, was cheating on you....and gave you H.I.V.? What if today you lose your job? What if today is the day you get addicted to cocaine? What if...God forbid...today is the day you fall in love?

Self-help books are great...but they only tell you what you already know. Use common sense. Listen to your parents. Have faith in yourself. Trust in your body. Surround yourself with people who truly love and respect you.

I don't care what you've been told...there are ugly babies.

Don't lie. It makes you ugly, it hurts people, and it's a complete waste of time. Along these same lines, don't steal. You don't need anything you can't get on your own. If there is, by some chance, something you need that you can't get ... ask for it. We're so afraid of rejection that we'd rather be seen as thieves and liars instead of an honest people who just need a bit of help.

Stop dwelling on things. It won't do anything but give you an ulcer and prevent you from living your life. Quite frankly, it might also be the reason you're alone.

Practice good personal hygiene. I promise, no one wants to smell your halitosis breath. If you're going to be giving hugs to short people. Please don't stick their face in your armpits, even if you use deodorant (but please still use deodorant!!!).

Get your priorities straight. Nothing in life...I mean nothing...is more important than family. Not your job, not your education, not the computer, not video games, not your high-tech cell phone. Nothing.

Get over the stupid shit. God don't like ugly.

Mental Illness is not something that people choose to have. It can be debilitating not only to the person who has it but also to their family and friends. It's not contagious so stop being an ass about it.

Being gay isn't contagious either. Just because someone is gay doesn't mean they want to have sex with you...nor does it make them a pedophile. Stop being an ass.

Being an ass is contagious. So stop.

Sex is natural and healthy and fun. Oh Lord, yes...sex is fun. It's also nothing like you see on T.V. or in pornos (trust me, I've seen a lot). It's loud and messy and can even be uncomfortable depending on where you're at or what position you're currently in. Your legs and arms get tired. You sweat. Your body makes noises that you would normally be really embarrassed about. Contrary to popular belief, you don't have to have a marathon session. 10-20 minutes is good. Having sex for more than 20 minutes is like running a marathon...with leg weights...and an ax murderer chasing after you. It's just not natural!

There is a difference between making love, having sex, and fucking and you can do all three in the same session. They're all healthy and normal and doing one more than the others is fine...as long as all parties agree.

Be happy with who you are. Experiment. Live. Love. Laugh. Learn from your mistakes. Grow.

Use your words. Communication is one of the most valuable tools in this life. Figure out how to do it properly.

The most precious gift you can give to someone is your time.

You don't get to choose who you love, or how many you love. Just be grateful for being able to feel it.

The holy trinity of healthy relationships: Trust, Honesty, Respect.

Our kids are smarter than we give them credit for. We should stop talking at them and start listening to them.

One more thing....

Suck it.

DINKLEBURG!!!!

2011-02-10T12:28:00.000-05:00

Apparently we're blaming all of our troubles on him for the next week or so. For example: "I have a test in 45 minutes and instead of studying I'm surfing the interwebs....DINKLEBURG!!!!"

Other than that, there's been a lot going on. I feel, once again, that I have to step up and do other people's jobs and I hate it. I know there are other people who could be doing this...like the person who's job it is to do it. I'm not going to go on more about it right now...what I keep reminding myself is that I only have 2.5 more months before I graduate (dear Lord, is it really that short amount of time!? This is the first time I actually counted the months *sweat*) and then I'll (hopefully) be a grad student and alumni and won't have all these responsibilities on my shoulders...they'll belong to someone else...right?

And now I have 15 minutes before my exam...where did the time go??? Ugh, time to leave you.

The Law of 3

2011-02-03T20:06:00.000-05:00

No, I don't mean Karma.

I'm talking about my secret obsession when it comes to public bathroom stalls. I always go to the 3rd stall. If that one's occupied, or just nasty I keep moving, but always in multiples of three. If there isn't a larger multiple of three besides the first one, I can only use the odd numbered one....but never the first one.

Passing Time

2011-01-25T12:31:00.001-05:00

I'm really enjoying my quiet time in the mornings...and on my days off. I honestly never thought I'd get to this point in my college career, and yet here I am with only classes 2 days a week. Granted I have to write 2 completely separate 20 page papers in the next few weeks just so I can graduate, but other than that I'm really enjoying it.

So now I'm sitting in our new Resource Room (that has nothing but tables and chairs - oh and a sink that I don't think is workable) just fooling around on the computer while I wait for class to start in 15 minutes. In the meantime I'm trying to convince myself NOT to get something to eat out of the vending machine just because I actually have a couple dollars in my wallet. I'm not really hungry either. I had a big breakfast. I'm bored and I have the munchies..and no, acknowledging that fact doesn't make it go away. I mean, I could tell myself that it will be okay to get something from the machine because I'll just do a Tai Bo workout tonight (this will make me feel so much better about my decision) - except that I won't go do a workout tonight. I'll sit on my ass and play WoW after I get some homework done.

No, that's a lie. I won't work on any homework tonight because I don't have class tomorrow. I'll just go home and play WoW. Isn't that kind of sad that I'm lying in my blog. I mean, no one reads this but me so that's like I'm lying to myself...which I'm really good at doing but here I like to pretend I'm actually talking to people which means that (in my mind) I'm lying to someone....which I refuse to do. Man, I'm lame.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not addicted to it or anything (yeah I know...addicts say that....I can quit whenever I want too!!!). It doesn't rule my life. I can actually do other things when they need doing. I also don't ignore my son or anything else. The thing is, quite frankly, I enjoy playing. I just don't play all day and night. I'm usually asleep by midnight and if I have something else to do, I do it.

Here's what will happen. I'll play every day for a couple of weeks and then I'll get it out of my system and stop playing for 4 or 5 months. Eventually I'll start playing again and repeat the cycle. If I could make myself vomit, I'd probably be bulimic.

Okay, time to go to class. I think that's enough rambling for one day.

To Teach or Not to Teach?

2011-01-18T22:14:00.000-05:00

Sadly, that is a question I'm going to have to ask myself very soon. I don't want to. Really really really don't want to. But I may have to...at least to supplement my income this semester. I also don't want to stay up very much longer.

I was pretty productive today, though I hate hate hate spending all that money at once. Maybe I'll get another cup of tea and then go to bed....or maybe I'll just go to bed. Yeah, I like that idea. Not sure what my plans are for tomorrow except at some point I need to hit the gym. Operation Drastic Measures is finishing up day 1 and it wasn't so bad. I made a decision to finish of the half of a bottle of coke I had left over from yesterday (like 10 oz or something) but other than that I had water all day. I also had 2 pieces of pizza for dinner but I didn't feel disgustingly fat afterwards so that's good. I hope tomorrow turns out to be as good as far as my decisions go...I also hope I can get myself to the gym. I think that's the biggest issue for me right now.

As usual, I had several things to say when I started writing this but now it all seems so meaningless, so I'm just gonna sod off.

Vacation day #3

2011-01-15T23:54:00.000-05:00

Had a great day with my sister and her family. The girls are getting so big and my brother-in-law is as much of a dork as ever lol. We went to Chuck E Cheese's for lunch and the kids had a blast. Towards the end though, I got really weak and dizzy so when we came home I took a quick cat nap on their very lovely new couch. When I got up, my sister and I went out to eat dinner while her husband stayed with the kids. It was really nice to have a good ol' cajun meal again. I had some stuffed mushrooms, boudin balls, and a ribeye with shrimp etouffe over it. The waitress was pretty slow though and I kept having to wait for drink refills. All in all it was a great dinner. I miss having conversations with my sister.

Also, it looks like everyone will be out for my graduation. They're even talking about flying my brother's daughter and her mom out. We might actually have everyone together for a family reunion-type thing!

Well, it's late and I need to get in bed. My sister's promised me biscuits and gravy in the morning! Oh, and it turns out that tomorrow is the last day for the Star Wars exhibit at the science museum here...oh yes, I'm going!!

/nerdgasm.

Shhh. I'm joining the ninja choir.

2011-01-14T23:04:00.001-05:00

We have to harmonize in silence. So shush.

LOL, I love Sleep Talkin' Man....he makes me giggle.

I'm sitting on the couch of a friend that I haven't seen in 12 years. I miss her...and I miss Louisiana. I'm actually talking to her about moving back down. Tomorrow I'm going to spend the night with my sister and see her for the first time in a year. I miss my nieces so much.

I totally cut the first day of class yesterday just so I can be down here for the weekend. I had to look over the curriculum online for my 4 classes and I freaked a little. Here I thought that my final semester was going to be easy. One class requires a 20 page paper. One class requires 2 projects and 5 labs, and one class requires another paper. I'm a math major...I shouldn't have to be writing!!!

Ugh, but I have to say...I'm really excited about this semester. In May, I graduate....and I have no idea what I'm going to do. I'm looking for a civil service job to jump into but in the meantime I want to look into substitute teaching for now so I can get some supplemental income.

I'm exhausted. I really should write more. I will, I hope.

Nah...

2010-09-28T08:35:00.000-04:00

It's been almost two months since I posted anything and I feel like I should say something. Unfortunately I'm so darned busy I don't have time to do so. Maybe this weekend...

ZOMG Jasper!

2010-08-03T23:16:00.000-04:00

zSHARE video - Criminal.Minds.S04E20.HDTV.XviD-2HD._VTV_.avi.flv

Just goes to show that Jackson Rathbone is another brilliant actor who's done marvelous things beside the Twilight saga!

My Style

2010-07-27T09:38:00.002-04:00

Your result for The Steampunk Style Test...

The Explorer

21% Elegant, 31% Technological, 37% Historical, 56% Adventurous and 46% Playful!

You are the Explorer, the embodiment of steampunk’s adventuring spirit. For you, clothing should be rugged and reliable, and just as functional as it is attractive. You probably prefer khaki or leather, and your accessories are as likely to include weapons as technological gizmos. You probably wear boots and gloves, and maybe a pith helmet. Most of what you wear is functional, and if you happen to wear goggles people had better believe that you use them. In addition to Victorian exploration gear, your outfit probably includes little knickknacks from your various travels. Above all, you are a charming blend of rugged Victorian daring and exotic curiosity.

Try our other Steampunk test here.

Take The Steampunk Style Test at HelloQuizzy

I'm Afraid..

2010-07-27T04:02:00.001-04:00

of going to sleep...because apparently I might miss something. Ugh. I could have fallen asleep 4 hours ago because I was tired, but I didn't. Why? Hellfire if I know! Maybe I should start reading again before bed. Oh I miss the days when I was tired of my computer. You remember don't you? The days when I spent so much time here for school I shunned it all when the semester ended. Oh those days will be here soon. In the meantime, I have to get myself unbored. You see, when I'm bored then I get in a rut and I don't want to do anything or go anywhere or see anyone or any variation of anything.

I need to start reading to the leech at bedtime again. We're halfway through Alice's Adventures. I love Lewis Carroll (aka Charles Dodson). He made math whimsical and fun for everyone. I also love this book. It gives a brief history of his mathematical life and a chronology of his work.

Well, I guess there's not much more to say is there. Maybe I should go write that essay tonight and get it out of the way. You know...since I'm up and everything. Then if I get that done I can either go to bed or rewatch the pilot episode of Doctor Who. Hmm, it's tempting to skip the essay lol...ugh, I'm terrible!!!

The End of Time

2010-07-26T20:57:00.000-04:00

Ok, that's a little dramatic...but you know me! As you can see it's been about 2 months since I've posted anything. I suppose I should fill you in on everything huh? Let's see...

May:
Not really much happened here except for the end of the semester...which I didn't do as well as I wanted. Don't get me wrong, I passed everything...but I didn't do well enough to pull my GPA up back where it's supposed to be. Continued with the softball and kicked a lot of butt. The team really improved so much. The leech broke his glasses and I found out I wouldn't have enough money to bring my monkey home for the summer.

June:
I started the McNair internship. It was pretty rough....not in any way that would imply that it was difficult, because it wasn't...but it was Monday thru Friday from 8am - 4:30pm for 8 weeks. There were projects and papers due almost every day. When I got home, I was up till 11pm almost every night working on homework. I didn't even have time to enjoy the heat outside. My tan this year is pretty much a failure. The softball team went into the tournament and came in 4th. Not bad for a group of people who'd never played together before...and a couple of us who'd never played before at all (ie, me!).

July:
First half of the month went well. I got into a rhythm with the internship. I became fast friends with the other 18 people in my cohort. I definitely couldn't have made it through without the lot of them. Then, on the 10th I started having some pain in my abdomen. I dealt with it like I normally do...till after dinner, when the pain got so bad I starting throwing up...and didn't stop. Victoria took me to the emergency room. 16 hours later, they admitted me. I got a regular CT scan which showed a small bowel obstruction...so they stuck an NG tube up my nose to pour contrast dye in my stomach to get a better picture. 4 cups later and I started throwing up. Then I got another CT.

After the 2nd CT they decided that it wasn't a small bowel obstruction and was probably 4 cysts on my ovary. They did a vaginal ultrasound to confirm..but they couldn't really tell. On the 13th the doctor and I decided that she was going to go in laprascopically to find out what was wrong. They preped me for surgery and told me that they either wouldn't find anything, they'd find cysts (which they couldn't do anything about), or they'd have to remove either one or both of my ovaries.

When I woke up the doctor told me that she had to remove my left ovary and fallopian tube. Apparently my fallopian tube had filled with so much fluid that it was the size of a small intestine...and had wrapped around my ovary a couple of times (thus what they thought were the cysts). She was pretty amazed that I hadn't been in pain before because this, apparently, was something that happens over the course of a year. The only continual pain I'd been having was the pulled muscle on the lower right side of my back (which, coincidentally, is gone now btw).

So they released me the next day and I went hope with wonderful narcotics....and then I started throwing up and didn't stop. I went back to the ER on the 18th and after a couple of hours, some more medicine, and a group of male doctors poking on my already very sore stomach, they decided that it was the narcotics that were making me sick because I don't normally take medicines. They told me to stop taking them and I went home. Wouldn't you know, but it worked. Thankfully, and now I've got 1 day left of my 2 weeks of bed rest. I go in for my post-surgical follow up on Weds and hopefully she'll say I'm fine.

I feel fine now. Oh, alright, I'm still tired and sore and I wear out easily...but every day I get a little bit closer back to my old self. Frankly, I've been bored ... the only thing that's saved me has been reawakening my love of The Doctor. I'd forgotten all about the show....and I just spent the last week watching every single episode and movies of the newer series. I'm in lust with David Tennant, the 10th Doctor...but who isn't? He's a beautiful man.

I was a little worried about the change to Matt Smith as the 11th Doctor. Here's my take on it...he's a good actor, but David Tennant is flat out brilliant. The best thing to come out of Series 5 is Arthur Darvill. He's another beautiful man...and he's a damned good actor. Funny but he's my favorite out of Series 5. Karen Gillan was okay...I'm going to interject here and say that I'm glad they didn't try and have her fall in love with The Doctor. It was very awkward when Martha Jones did it. Donna Nobel was definitely my favorite companion of The Doctor's of all time. She was brilliant..both the character and the actress. I really hope to see more of her in the future. Anywho, back to Arthur...rawr....I mean really, what else is there to say?

I s'pose I've been writing a lot today. I wonder when I'll come back to write more? Oh, I've been crocheting a lot...but I ran out of yarn. That's not really a good thing to do. And now, there are more words in my head but I can't really put them in the correct order...or even enough to make sense out of them so I'll sod off for now.

G'bye you lot!

Is a bear catholic?!

2010-05-05T02:18:00.000-04:00

Apparently they are lol.

I've finished 12 pages of my research paper tonight. In case you didn't know, I'm writing about the time series analysis of monthly mortality data from pneumonia and influenza. No that's not the working title of it lol. I've still got about a section and a half to do and I need to compile a list of resources. And if you didn't know, I'm writing this article in LaTex. I have never used this program before so I'm learning as I go....and I'm totally having fun with it. I'm such a nerd.

On a different note, I'm really really enjoying his company. It's slightly frustrating that because of the slight distance I can't see him when I want to but on the other hand, I kinda like that too.

I can't wait for Friday so I can let my left brain rest for a little while.

I'm also putting in a lot of prayers to the boss upstairs about helping me with my financial issues at the moment. I'd really like to make enough to pay my rent for May and pay the rest of my tuition.

Time for sleep. I'm almost giddy with the idea that the semester is almost over....

Faith

2010-04-28T22:29:00.000-04:00

I have faith in my Brothers to do what is right, and I trust in our governing documents to take care of things when they don't.

That's all I can say about that...but it's been a very long, emotionally draining night.

Today

2010-04-27T23:47:00.003-04:00

Today was pretty good I think. Even though I almost had a meltdown.

I almost cried in my Physics lab. It was stupid and I think my hormones must be raging. Kinda hard to tell when you don't bleed anymore.

So I'm sitting there, in the dark cause we're doing an optics lab, and I'm writing really slow. It was a quick lab, I should have been out of there in 30 minutes but for some reason my brain just didn't want to keep up with the guys. We have a new lab partner and when I asked a question she explained it to me. 5 minutes later, I'm asking the same question. I felt stupid but, bless her heart, she didn't seem frustrated with me at all and continued to try and explain it to me.

I was getting so flipping frustrated with myself because it should have been really easy. I mean, I've done this stuff before but it just wasn't registering with me. I felt my eyes start to water and just pretended I understood so we could move on. Thankfully, Michael is extremely patient with me and understands what I need so he just wrote the equations down for me and I copied them. Then he stayed another 10 or 15 minutes after to help me finish getting my data and catching up ... after our other 2 lab partners had left. I love him. I'm so sad that we won't have any more classes together anymore.

Then I go to financial aide to make sure I'm going to get money to go to school this summer. Well I am...but it's not even enough to pay for my 2 classes that I'm signed up for. So I have to come up with about $500 to pay for classes plus my summer rent...because I found out that I can't get out of my housing contract until August. So not only do I have to find a job that will pay me enough to pay for all of this while working part time and also working with my schedule when I start my research internship in June but I have to figure out how we're going to get Victoria into the apartment in June without me being able to help out.

I'm sure we could wait till August, but the manager said she wasn't sure any apartments would be open in August for us. They have one opening in June and we were going to take that one....until all these things got thrown up in my face.

On the plus side! I got to help the leech with his science fair project. He's measuring the distance a Hot Wheels car slides on different surfaces (wood floor, carpet, cement, grass) when released from a ramp. We did the wood floor and carpet tonight. I think we'll have to redo the carpet at Victoria's though, just so I can get a better picture. The outside distances we'll do hopefully tomorrow or Friday when it dries up outside. Can you believe we had HAIL today?! It's crazy.

I managed to type up a list of definitions for my Numerical Linear Algebra final in LaTex. Which was kinda fun to figure out. I also met with my research professor today and we discussed our summer schedule and my next step to writing my article.

We won our first softball game yesterday (that's me, #13!). It was pretty exciting! It was officially 13-9, but we actually had 16. Someone in the score-box screwed up. I'm not complaining at all...I just like to be correct. We went out to Dairy Queen afterwords. It was a lot of fun and I can't wait for next week's game! Maybe I'll actually catch the balls that come my way lol. I dropped the 2 that did yesterday. It was a bit frustrating.

I know my blog isn't read by many...but if you would do me a favor and say a little prayer for me that everything works out without much trouble. I'd really appreciate it.

Post Script

2010-04-26T17:46:00.000-04:00

I'm officially declared with a Psychology minor.

My back hurts today and I really need to stretch before the game.

I had a whole list of things I was going to put but as soon as the blank page opened up begging me for words....they all ran away *sigh*.

Oh! But I found this gem of a site. I had a mini nerd-gasm.

Geek 2 Geek - "The best place on the net to meet geeks".

To play or not to play

2010-04-26T17:09:00.000-04:00

It's not really a question. I promise!

Today is my first softball game ever...and it's raining...lol.

Just for fun

2010-04-25T19:53:00.003-04:00

So I'm thinking about making a new D&D character and I'm not exactly sure what to pick. Thankfully I found this site that asked me 129 questions and now knows exactly what I should be!!! (did you hear the sarcasm? lol, I really did enjoy this and it honestly tells a lot about my personality I think).

Enjoy!

I Am A: Lawful Neutral Human Monk (4th Level)

Ability Scores:

Strength-11

Dexterity-11

Constitution-11

Intelligence-13

Wisdom-14

Charisma-13

Alignment:
Lawful Neutral A lawful neutral character acts as law, tradition, or a personal code directs him. Order and organization are paramount to him. He may believe in personal order and live by a code or standard, or he may believe in order for all and favor a strong, organized government. Lawful neutral is the best alignment you can be because it means you are reliable and honorable without being a zealot. However, lawful neutral can be a dangerous alignment because it seeks to eliminate all freedom, choice, and diversity in society.

Race:
Humans are the most adaptable of the common races. Short generations and a penchant for migration and conquest have made them physically diverse as well. Humans are often unorthodox in their dress, sporting unusual hairstyles, fanciful clothes, tattoos, and the like.

Class:
Monks are versatile warriors skilled at fighting without weapons or armor. Good-aligned monks serve as protectors of the people, while evil monks make ideal spies and assassins. Though they don't cast spells, monks channel a subtle energy, called ki. This energy allows them to perform amazing feats, such as healing themselves, catching arrows in flight, and dodging blows with lightning speed. Their mundane and ki-based abilities grow with experience, granting them more power over themselves and their environment. Monks suffer unique penalties to their abilities if they wear armor, as doing so violates their rigid oath. A monk wearing armor loses their Wisdom and level based armor class bonuses, their movement speed, and their additional unarmed attacks per round.

Detailed Results:

Alignment:
Lawful Good ----- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (21) Neutral Good ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (17) Chaotic Good ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (15) Lawful Neutral -- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (29) True Neutral ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (25) Chaotic Neutral - XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (23) Lawful Evil ----- XXXXXXXXXXX (11) Neutral Evil ---- XXXXXXX (7) Chaotic Evil ---- XXXXX (5)

Law & Chaos:
Law ----- XXXXXXXXXXX (11) Neutral - XXXXXXX (7) Chaos --- XXXXX (5)

Good & Evil:
Good ---- XXXXXXXXXX (10) Neutral - XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (18) Evil ---- (0)

Race:
Human ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXX (13) Dwarf ---- XXXXXXXX (8) Elf ------ XXXXXXXXXXXX (12) Gnome ---- XXXXXXXX (8) Halfling - XXXXXXXXXX (10) Half-Elf - XXXXXXXXX (9) Half-Orc - XXXX (4)

Class:
Barbarian - (-29)
Bard ------ (-17)
Cleric ---- XXXX (4)
Druid ----- (0)
Fighter --- (-4)
Monk ------ XXXXXX (6)
Paladin --- (-21)
Ranger ---- XXXX (4)
Rogue ----- (-4)
Sorcerer -- (-2)
Wizard ---- (0)

Find out What Kind of Dungeons and Dragons Character Would You Be?, courtesy of Easydamus (e-mail)

Late night ramblings

2010-04-23T23:42:00.001-04:00

It's been awhile. I'm sorry you missed me. Everyone has, you're not special. Well, you are of course...very special...just not that you're the only one who missed me cause you're not. Even Victoria misses me and we live nearby.

So...what to say?

I've been so busy. I'm barely hanging on. I started out the semester so strongly and even by the middle I was still on top of everything. One week left and I'm praying that I can keep it together long enough for finals. Ugh.

The research is going well...slowly but well. If I weren't bogged down by classes I'd have time to be able to really understand what I was doing. I got denied to all of my summer internships that I applied for out of state. I even got semi-denied for the one here on campus (I got slotted as one of four alternates). Needless to say, things weren't looking very good for me. However, someone had my back because everything started to fall into place. I got moved into the program and off of the wait list. Victoria and I are also moving in June instead of August. I even found 2 classes in pre-summer session that I can take (now I just have to pray that I actually get financial aide this summer or I'll have a whole new slew of problems).

Through all of this I even decided on a minor...Psychology. Heck, when I'm finished with my degree I can get a Masters in counseling. It's something I keep coming back to. I'm scared about detouring my life so completely right now though so I'll be finishing my degree in Math. Besides, I really do like statistics. So I'll get my Ph.D in that and then work on that Masters in Psychology. Then I can do my own statistical research on my clients LOL.

I really should go to bed though. It's getting late and I've got a lot going on this weekend. I've jumped head-long into helping my chapter struggle onto their own two feet again. I really believe we can do this and move through our issues. Unfortunately, that doesn't leave much time to breathe. I'll just leave you with a list of things that demand my time lately...then I'm going to bed.

kids
school
fraternity
research
internships
softball
baseball (son's)
church
friends - a particular friend who had to have emergency surgery to remove a mass from her spine
math club (the technical term for this is the Mathematical Association of America, Student Chapter but that's just really a mouthful isn't it?)
stupid people disrespecting my son and myself
my right brain demanding to be used
getting ready to move
and at this point I'm really trying to find more stuff to add to the list - because obviously the list isn't long enough is it?

Knows or nose?

2010-03-30T01:04:00.001-04:00

It's only a canvas sky, hanging over a muslin tree.

But it wouldn't be make believe if you believed in me.

The day is over...it's time to dance.

Convenience

2010-03-29T20:42:00.001-04:00

I have this nifty new gadget in my iGoogle homepage that lets me blog on any of my blogs with indescribable easiness.

I may just blog more...maybe? lol.

Later....later...I'm busy now.

Chaos

2010-03-23T23:13:00.001-04:00

I'm telling everyone.

I made chaos today. When I was done I just wanted to curl up in a hole and die because I was so drained, physically and mentally...but damn it's a beautiful thing. Don't you think so too??

Vulnerable

2010-03-21T20:33:00.000-04:00

I don't know how. Wouldn't it be perfect that that's what I've been missing all this time? It seems like desperation to me. "Look at me. Love me. I can't live without your approval." I'm sorry but I know the world doesn't revolve around me.

Am I scared? Petrified even. I won't show you though. I don't know how to let anyone in that much. Vulnerability is a feminine trait. Does it make me less desirable because I don't need your validation?

And even now, I can't find the words to express what I feel. I hate this because I'm probably just being selfish anyway.

Please??

2010-03-21T14:03:00.000-04:00

I'm begging...just give me some time to breathe before you pile yet another urgent request on me. I have things I need to do too ya'know?

Welcome to Denmark, we have hot men!

2010-03-15T00:02:00.000-04:00

Just a couple of pics from my trip.

Me 'n Viktoria at the castle in Hillerod:

Me, Robert, Viktoria, 'n Vincent drunk in the Copenhagen train station:

Robert, Me, 'n Vincent at The Happy Pig:

Pocket full of happiness

2010-03-10T20:49:00.000-05:00

Yup, I have it. I'm currently in Denmark if you didn't know. I love it. The architecture is so simple and amazing in its simplicity. The people are so easy going and nice...and my friends...are the best. I'm so glad I was able to do this trip - even though the sex museum was closed lol.

Viktoria, is so full of vitality and fun. Vincent is so proper at first glance but is such a wonderful guy. Robert is..everything I've come to know the last 5 years of knowing him. I feel so comfortable here with them. There hasn't been the slightest bit of awkwardness or uncomfortableness that I've known before from meeting people that I've met online. I think it's because I've known them for so long online. Regardless, these are three friends that will always have a special place in my heart...no matter where life takes us.

There is a bit of ... confusion ... I think, going on inside of me though. I didn't come here with any expectations of my relationship with Robert other than being wonderful friends...but there have been a couple of moments when he and I have been alone, just talking, and I'll catch myself wanting to kiss him. It's a bit of a shock...not much, considering our history...but..I really thought I was over that part of it. I've been able to catch that feeling and let it go though so there's no uncomfortableness or anything. Plus, I'm not going to do anything about it. I'm done being the one who makes the first move.

Everyone is asleep and I'm not tired. Of course, it's only 8:40pm in the states and in Denmark it's 2:40. I should go to sleep soon. Viktoria passed her sickness to Robert and I ... and I'm going to need all the rest I can get to fight it off. Tomorrow will be nice, we're just going to hang around the house until we take Viktoria to the train station and then go visit 3 more friends that I've met online. I'm a little nervous about this meeting because while I met them years ago, around the same time I met Robert, I don't really know them. We'll see. If it gets weird I've got Vincent to talk to lol.

Think I'm gonna go surf the interwebs for awhile before I fall asleep. Hope everyone is having a great week. I'll be home the evening of the 13th. Try not to miss me.

2/22

2010-02-22T23:36:00.000-05:00

Yes, that's the date. It made me smile all day when I wrote it. I don't know why, it just did.

Long day...it's after 11pm and I should go to bed. I will...after this. I finally did everything I needed to do for the internships. Now I'm just waiting on Dr. A to give me his notes on my first draft of the statement of intent so I can polish it up and actually send in the applications for them.

I feel like having another cup of tea...I think I will. Some chamomile to be exact. Don't go anywhere, I'll be right back!

Back while it's in the microwave...now, where was I? Oh ... I haven't done my lab report that's due Thursday...and I have a project due on Friday for numerical linear algebra. I've started my research for Dr. A. I'm tabulating the number of pneumonia and influenza deaths in 122 US cities from 1994-the present. The hardest part is sifting through the thousands of pages to find the singular table for each week of the specific year I need. I'm supposed to just turn in the data for one year every week...I've done two years this week so far. Is it bad that I'd rather do this than study?

Speaking of studying...I got a 15% on my differential equations exam last week. I'm so upset with myself right now. I guess I can't be too surprised since I pretty much waited until the last minute to study. I wish I could get out of that habit *sigh*.

I had a blast for my birthday though. Twenty friends showed up for dinner at Stir Fry Cafe and then about 10 made it to New Beginnings later that night. I had the best outfit on and got to wear my green plaid mini-skirt finally! All the drag queens wished me a happy birthday - and by that I mean only one of them did...but she was gorgeous so I'm only counting her as one lol.

Oh wait...gotta go sweeten up my tea...

Ok back..ugh, I have to remember to mail off those bills - can you tell I just saw them?

I guess I really don't have anything else to say now. I need to take a pill and do my stretches so when my physical therapist asks if I've been doing them I don't have to lie. It's not my fault! By the time I finally make it to bed I'm so exhausted I don't want to do anything but curl up under the covers and pass out.

Okay, okay...I'm going! G'night my dears.

<3

It's my birthday!

2010-02-20T13:39:00.000-05:00

and I'll sleep in, eat sushi, and go to a gay bar just for a drag show if I want to!!!

ps...thank you birthday gods for the sunshine :)

I forgot...sigh

2010-02-17T23:13:00.000-05:00

So I gave up meat for Lent. Today's the first day of Lent. I bought a chicken carbonara sandwich from Quiznos...we're gonna pretend that today is Sunday lol.

Today's Rants:

1. A week full of fail that's only half over *sigh*
2. Classes that are colder than the outside with the falling snow.
3. Having to wear heels for 12 hours today...my poor feet.
4. Getting flirted with by sexy men ... in a friendly way.
5. Not having enough time to spend with my son.
6. Being too tired to study for exams in the morning.
7. Giving up meat for Lent and then forgetting on the first day and eating chicken....

Can I have a redo on this week please?

Today's Happys:

1. Getting to see Victoria randomly two times today!
2. Getting gluten free communion.
3. Evolution Sunday and learning how to embrace my inner fish.
4. Mardi Gras celebration at church.
5. Dancing with my son.
6. Being told that I'm loved in spite of my loud, in-your-face personality because I'm a wonderfully caring and loving person.
7. Realizing that people actually take the time to see the other side of me.
8. Having 2 Drag Queen performances at the gay bar we're going to for my birthday on Saturday!
9. Finding new music.

Fat Tuesday!

2010-02-16T21:49:00.000-05:00

Happy fat tuesday everyone. Tomorrow's Lent...don't forget!

I should be working on homework, but I just need a moment to unwind after a long day. I went to my new class today. It was really interested. Basic statistics with a biological twist to it. Which is kinda funny, cause Biology and I don't get along lol. Right after that class I met with Dr. A about starting my research for the Quantitative Biology class. I've got to give him the yearly totals for pneumonia and influenza deaths in 122 U.S. cities since 1982. I'll probably start on that tomorrow or Thursday.

After that I went to physical therapy and while it was painful to start with, I could feel the loosening up of the muscle like I do every time I've been there so far. Plus, the therapist assistant I got was omg sexy /drool lol. I may have to bring them food one day as a thank you...but after I'm done, so I have an excuse to see them again ;)

Then I grabbed some sushi and ran to my MAA meeting (that's the mathematical association of america for those of you who don't know). We discussed having a faculty lecture series this semester. We're also going to watch the Pi vs E debate. I'm pretty excited about that.

Then I ran home, dropped my bag, grabbed the leech and we drove up to the church for Mardi Gras! It was a blast. They made masks and then we had gumbo. There was dancing and beads and so much smoke the fire department should have come lol. The leech had a blast. We still weren't done by 8:30 so we had to leave early.

Now he's in bed asleep and I need to start working on my homework and studying for everything tomorrow. We're pinning our initiates tomorrow so I've got to dress up and wear heels...woo...

I'll be so glad when this week is over. Pssst...don't forget that Saturday is my birthday!

Tears of Laughter

2010-02-13T23:38:00.000-05:00

Today was great. First of all, I got to sleep in till 12:30pm and then I invited Shante over for pizza and movies. We watched Son of Rambow. The movie is utterly amazing. You need to go see it. I'm going to own it. Then we went to Michael's to play D&D for 5 hours.

I have to say, we have a really great group. This was our first time playing together and the first time I'd played since high school. We took about 3 hours to finish up our characters and get started but we managed to play for a solid 2 hours. My character is a neutral evil rogue....in a party of lawful good paladin, lawful good ranger, and chaotic good rogue >.>

It was a blast. There was one point when they were all being attacked by the huge acid shooting ant and I was cutting up a rare flower for its petals to sell in town for money...all the while, laughing at them. Oh and the lines that were said...Female ranger to male paladin, "Do you have a mount or are we doing this on foot?"; paladin to ranger, "You'll have to ride bareback."; ranger to paladin, "I'm an elf, I won't feel anything." Said ranger had an asthma attack later from laughing when we explained to her what 'bareback' meant lol. I can't remember the other good lines...next time I'll have to tweet them so I can remember.

So tomorrow is Evolution Sunday at church and I'm excited. I'm not exactly sure what it is he'll be preaching on but I know it won't be traditional!

Oh, and I got a random text that was a wrong number...it ended up...weird. Take a look.

Him: Ok...
Me: ok?
Him: My bad
Me: who is this?
Him: Grant
Me: wrong number?
Him: I think, who are u?
Me: .......seriously?
Him: lol guess not. ill delete u and 4get bout this, g'night pimpin!
Me: dude...my name is in my sig...you really in ridgway? ((I reverse looked up his # - with the wrong area code lol))
Him: My name is in my sig also dude! and i dunno wat u talking bout...
Me: my bad...atlanta
Him: I live bout 45 mims north of atl...
Me: mhm...so why'd Jeremy give you my number? ((I have a friend who lives in that area, which is why I assumed this))
Him: Who the fuck is jeremy? Im trying to find allen. Not alison or jeremy, thats y i said i 4get this whole thing n erase this wrong#
Me: lol then why are you still talking to me?
Him: Im not,u keep asking ?s... Dnt flatter urself pimpin
Me: and yet you keep answering them
Him: Just stfu.. Wow!
Me: lol... no one's making you talk to me.

Don't you agree with me?

2010-02-11T23:45:00.000-05:00

New Law Requires Women To Name Baby, Paint Nursery Before Getting Abortion

Big fat quitter!

2010-02-11T22:46:00.000-05:00

Wow, look at me, 3 posts today and also above my average monthly posting (aside from last December). Go me!!

So, why am I a big fat quitter? Because I fail...epically today. I have this huge project due tomorrow and I've had 2 weeks to do it. When I started on it, it seemed fairly easy so I kept putting it off till the next day. Well now it's due the next day and I still have 11 super hard programing problems to do!!

It's almost 11pm and what am I doing? Quitting and going to bed. Because of course I'll be able to finish it all tomorrow right? ... right?

Snow day!!

2010-02-11T20:38:00.000-05:00

I got to sleep in till 11!!!! :D

After that, Victoria called me and said she wanted to go to Fun Expedition so I got up and showered and we went. It was fun. She and I ganged up on the leech in laser tag. LOL, she was sweating when we were done. Then we grabbed some food and she took me to my physical therapy appointment.

I just got sidetracked...lol. I'm supposed to be working on a project for numerical linear algebra, but decided I wanted to blog instead...and then got caught up on YouTube. I pretty much fail lol.

I forgot whatever I wanted to say. Except that now I'm feeling kinda bleh from the sappy love songs. This one cheered me up tho.

A note from our sponser

2010-02-10T21:03:00.000-05:00

So, as I was writing the last post, the university decided to cancel classes for tomorrow.

I'm pretty excited. I think I'll invite people over for dinner...oh, and I'm definitely going to sleep in!

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programing!

PS. New books of the bible: Genesis, Exorcist, Leviathan, and Doooo the Right Thing!

Delicioso!

2010-02-10T20:43:00.001-05:00

Today felt like a weekend!

Snow snow everywhere. Blah! The leech's school was canceled, mine wasn't. So I set him up on WoW and braved the weather. Mind you, I was dressed up because our fraternity was pinning our initiates this evening. I got to my first class and while I was there I got an alert on my phone that the university canceled the classes for the rest of the day.

I came home and drove out to the store to pick up some supplies. Remember, I'm trying this whole new vegetarian thing. After grocery shopping I worked on some homework and realized that I could actually take a nap...so I did. It was a beautiful thing. Except that when I woke up, my hip started hurting and it was below zero in my room because I'd forgot to turn up my heater before I laid down lol.

Got up around 6 and went to fix dinner. It was an experience to say the least. Let me warn you, I'm not domestic at all. I'm only in the kitchen long enough to warm something up in the microwave usually. Tonight I actually had to mash avocados and peel the skin off of tomatoes and use 3 herbs! It was a lot of fun actually. And oh my goodness, it turned out delicious! Oh, right...I made bean nachos. I also forgot to take a picture of it for you. I'm sorry. I need to find some .. brioche (I think that's the name of the bread) so I can make this mushroom thing I want to try.

Now here's the pisser of the night. I fixed this gorgeous dinner and the leech freaked out and gagged when he saw it. He said it was from the smell. It smelled like limes to me. I'm not physical with my children at all but I really had to restrain myself from smacking him. I hate it immensely when children are disrespectful...especially mine.

I told him to try it. After all, I'd even bought our favorite (and expensive) organic root beer to drink with it! He took a nibble of a corn chip that didn't have anything on it, and proclaimed that it was nasty. Again, I had to restrain myself. I gave him ample opportunity to eat but he sat there crying crocodile tears until I took the food and his root beer away and told him to just go to bed then.

I have tons leftover for tomorrow. This makes me happy :) Oh, and I also had a root beer float for dessert!

So now, I'm going to tuck him in and then work on some homework before bed. Oh, and I know you were wondering about the history I had to write for Dr. B. I finished it last night and sent it off to him. Now I just need to work with Dr. A on my letter of intent. Hopefully I can get that done this weekend and have everything ready to send off on Monday!

I hope you're enjoying this lazy day as much as I am! :)

Urrrgh!!!

2010-02-09T19:31:00.000-05:00

So I've done what I can with my homework for now and decided to work on the paperwork for the summer internship applications. Dr. B wants a brief history of my life so he can write me a letter of recommendation. He gave me a list of things he wants me to send to him so he can get to know me better to write me a glowing recommendation.

No big deal right? Pfft. Says you maybe. I can't remember what I've done!!! I'm having a minor meltdown here. I guess I'll just do what I can and get it to him tonight. Then maybe tomorrow he can tell me if I left anything out.

The deadline is getting closer and I still have to write my letter of intent. *sigh* I've never done this before. I'm worried that as hard as I'm working just to get this application done, something will happen and I won't be able to go...or worse yet, I won't even get accepted.

Back to work!!!!

Just another Tuesday

2010-02-09T16:53:00.000-05:00

Today wasn't too bad I think. Had my first Physics exam and I think I did pretty good on it actually. Which basically means I'm sure I didn't fail it lol. Although, the last problem I'm sure I totally screwed up. I just kinda blanked out and forgot how to do it.

I ate lunch with friends, even though I supposed to be using that time to work on homework due this week. Then I went to my physical therapy. The therapist seems to support the doctor's conclusion that it's a severe muscle spasm so that's a good thing. I got a 15 minute electrical massage with heat and then he showed me 3 stretches he wants me to do twice a day. I go back on Thursday. Oh, and the spasm is so low that he got to feel up my butt while putting the electrodes on and taking them off lol.

Then I went and did some homework while waiting on 4pm for the math club meeting. At 5 til I went to find out what room it was in, only to find out that it's next week not today. So I went home.

Now I'm just relaxing and getting ready to fix dinner before I finish up on my homework. I really need to work on the applications for the internship....and get that information to Dr. B so he can write my recommendation.

I wonder if I'll get a chance to read for a bit before bed tonight?

I wonder

2010-02-08T13:56:00.000-05:00

I should be studying for my Differential Equations quiz in 2 hours. I will...I just need to get this out.

This morning as I was leaving for class I looked down at my task bar and saw that Eric had logged out of Yahoo. My heart momentarily stopped and I was filled with conflicting emotions. First of all, that I had logged onto Yahoo and not noticed he was on is a huge deal. I can remember the days when that was the first thing I looked for and how disappointed I would be if he wasn't there. Secondly, I was a little upset and hurt that he saw me log on but didn't say anything.

So I spent the whole day with him on my mind. Not something I wanted to do, I promise. A part of me wanted to rush home and wait and see if he'd log back on like I used to do. The new me recognized these feelings and let them go. I'm not waiting around for anyone anymore. Especially someone who has made it very clear that they don't want to be with me.

This is me living my life and not desperately chasing after someone who may or may not want to talk to me. If you want me, you've got to come get me damnit.

Now I'm off to study.

Again!?

2010-02-07T17:48:00.001-05:00

Yes, there's a change. I like it better. Too bad if you don't >.>

Dinner time...yes I'm making broth. I really want more pasta. Ooooh, I can finish my salad from lunch!!!

*bites nails* Almost Superbowl time!!!

no, I didn't get any studying done... shut up ^.^

The Beginning

2010-02-07T14:10:00.003-05:00

So how am I doing on day one? Miserable lol. I had a couple pieces of fruit for breakfast and realized I wouldn't make it through church with that little bit on my stomach so I ate some egg substitute. After church Victoria said she wanted to go out to eat and I agreed (I succumb easily to peer pressure...). We ate at Fatz. I had some pasta with chicken. I didn't eat it all but the leftovers are in the fridge for later.

The only good thing about today is that I did manage to write down everything I've eaten in my new little journal. I'll spare you the details. The rest of the day will be broth. I promise! I also updated the sidebar so that's good too right?

I got my hair permed yesterday...I love it. I can't wait till I can wash it on Tuesday because then I'll be able to start doing pretty things with it. I've missed my hair accessories so much!

Anywho, I need to get some studying done before the superbowl tonight. Go Saints!

Who Dat?!

The Journey

2010-02-05T22:32:00.004-05:00

So here's something new. I'm going to purge my body of all the junk. The idea is sound, but I doubt I have the willpower.

Here's the plan. Sunday through Tuesday I'll eat broth and extremely light soups (if I get too weak) and then Wednesday through Saturday I'll reintroduce food into my system by way of vegetarianism. I've bought cookbooks. I've bought a small journal to keep with me so that I can record my thoughts/feelings and weight through all of this. I'm making plans to blog about it (notice the new section on the right here titled "The Journey").

The problem? I'm famous for great ideas that I never follow through on. Plus, I love love love eating food that's bad for me. I live outside my body. When I pass a mirror and see myself, it shocks me because that's not who I picture myself to be. It's not just the weight, it's other things like my facial structure and how I smile. I don't think I'm ugly or look bad...it's just a shock to see myself through someone else's eyes.

Maybe I can start being healthy now? I'm starting this Sunday. During our meditation time at church, I'm going to pray about it. Try and get a clearer picture of how this will work. I feel like there's a big change for me just over the horizon, I just need a push.

Anyway, I know there's only 2 people who read this, but it's always good to get a plan of action down and have someone holding you accountable ... right?

Guess What?!

2010-02-02T20:09:00.002-05:00

Chicken butt haha!!

Ok, seriously though. I was pretty productive today. Rescheduled an appointment with my new landlord, added the new class, went to the doctor, ran to the store, had lunch with Victoria, went to the leech's basketball game, oh...and got a job interview with the government. Granted it's only a temporary job with the Census but I'll take it. I think it'll fit in nicely with my statistics hopes. Go me! :D

The doctor appointment went ... horrible I think. He gave me another round of anti-inflammatories and told me to do physical therapy 4 days a week for 4 weeks. He still insists it's just a pulled muscle. If this doesn't work, I'm going to eat him.

I've got a head cold that just won't go away either and I feel like I could sleep for a week. Ugh!!

Nerves

2010-02-01T19:53:00.003-05:00

I'm sitting here and it's almost 8pm on a Monday. A lot's happened to me I guess.

My back has been killing me. I think I mentioned about 3 months ago that I finally went in to get it checked out? 3 months that included muscle relaxers, a hormone, and anti-inflammatories later...and my back still feels the same way. I'm worried about Scolosis. I'm worried about a lot of other things too. I'm going in tomorrow morning to see the doctor again and this time I'm not going to let them put me on any medication without running tests so I know what's wrong. I'm a little nervous because as outspoken as I am...I usually just smile and nod while at the doctor. I don't know why...I just do.

I'm thinking about my undergraduate research that I have to do next semester. Finally realized that I want to get my master's in statistics so I need some undergrad stuff that flows into a master's thesis. Had a nice talk with Dr. A today and he wants me to add one of his classes - yes I know it's a month into the semester already. Yes I know I already have 14 credit hours not counting the Graph Theory class that I'm sitting in on without getting a grade.

I've been assured that this class will prepare me to do research with him next semester. Also, we only meet for 4 weeks and it should be a fairly easy A. Lord knows I can use as many of those as I can get. So I go tomorrow to submit a late add form for this class.

Dr. A's also informed me that I need to do an internship this summer in biostatistics. I have to say it sounds positively amazing and I would love to be able to do something like this. There's just a few things I'm worried about. They want a copy of my transcript...I've got a few grades that aren't so hot. Granted I've retaken all of my math classes that I needed to and significantly raised those grades (from an F to a B+) but it still makes me nervous. I also need 2 letters of recommendation. I know Dr. B will give me one, but I don't know any other teacher well enough to ask. Maybe I'll ask Dr. F if he'd mind. I know he likes me.

Also, I have to make sure I don't lose my campus housing while I'm gone and I need to find somewhere to stick my son for 6-7 weeks.

If all of the above work out, I could either be in Boston, Atlanta, S. Florida, Pittsburgh, Washington, or North Carolina. I'm really cautiously excited about this.

I need to finish my statistics homework now and put the leech to bed. G'night all.

Only 5?

2010-01-28T20:24:00.003-05:00

Been slacking for January. This is only my 5th post. Granted, I wasn't busy with school last month. I don't know what it is but I swear I feel so friggin' far behind already. Maybe it's because I don't have my books yet? I dunno.

I actually have a fair amount to say right now, but I'm so tired and I have to study for a physics exam tomorrow. I'll just try and put words here tomorrow...which means it'll be another week or so *sigh*. Sorry. I know you're disappointed.

Writings

2010-01-12T02:31:00.002-05:00

I've been enjoying my vacation. Haven't really done much of anything except spend time online playing SWG and making new friends. Bob's been absent longer than normal this year but he finally came back online today and I got to talk to him. I worry about him. Sometimes he doesn't seem happy and it makes my heart hurt. I just want to make everything alright for him.

Victoria's been having issues with her dad. I swear I wish I could punch him for her. I want to hold her tightly and make her forget all about him and his empty promises. Also, she's been my hero for the last week or so now. My tire exploded last week when we were on the way to the library and I can't fix it till next week when I get back from vacation. She's been driving me around when I venture outside to go to the store. She had to go home yesterday though, her grandma's been really sick. I hope she's ok, her grandma is pretty neat.

Let's see...what else? I've been writing a lot on my other projects. I've been trying to do a lot there because I know once school starts up again I won't really have any time or energy to devote to them. Even though I'm not that great of a writer, I really do enjoy it.

I have a guilty pleasure...Simply Red and Rick Astley...and other musicness of that sort. I found Simply Red's YouTube channel and was listening to some of his stuff. Here's one of my favorites:

Anyway, it's late and my bum hurts...I'm gonna go to bed now I think. Gotta do laundry and finish cleaning the apartment tomorrow to get ready for my trip to see my little sister. I can't wait to see her :)

My feet are cold!

2010-01-04T02:48:00.003-05:00

I don't know why but my feet stay frozen...from the ankle down. It's a terrible thing. Yes I have socks on and the rest of me is warm. Maybe I need a fuzzy dog to sit on my feet and keep them warm?

Posted a couple more entries on my other projects. I need to work on fixing the way those blogs look and add a bit more detail to them.

I have to say that I really hate it when people get pissy over nothing. Just two people having a fun and playful banter over a forum and someone has to butt in and toss their nasty at them. Well to you people I say, STFU and utilize your ignore button! You hurt a friend of mine and if I knew where you lived I'd send 9 plagues to your doorstep!

/endrant

I missed church today because of my insomnia. I hate that. I also have barely any energy to do anything throughout the day either. Today though, I did manage to read a book. Vampire Hunter D - book 1. I finished it and need to get book 2 from Victoria. I'm also going to start on the Wheel of Time series tonight.

I'm a little tired so I think I'm going to take my book and frozen feet to bed. Hopefully I'll get some decent sleep tonight.

Just because I can

2010-01-02T01:10:00.003-05:00

This song randomly played today. I love Patti LaBelle. While looking for it on YouTube, I found the next song.

Can you believe I've never seen Les Miserables? First time I'd heard this song too. It's pretty.

It's 2010

2010-01-01T04:42:00.002-05:00

Last year went really good. It started out good and it built up steamy goodness until the middle of November when my world just came crashing down around me when he said goodbye. From then on it's been a daily struggle to just make it through to the next day. I think I've managed it pretty well actually.

I'm sitting here, on the first day of the new year, with an odd calm around me. I just got done telling someone that he shouldn't settle for me just because he's lonely. How I feel about him is neither here nor there. I refuse to put my heart in the care of someone unless I'm certain that he's willing to take care of it .. and is ok with the baggage I'm bringing. Thanks to my ex, I now worry about my significant other being faithful and if I'll ever be enough for someone and lots of other random things that no man should have to deal with unless they are the cause of it. It's not fair to anyone.

So while I'm healing my heart and my soul I hope that eventually there is someone out there who wants me for who I am and will let me love them in the special way that I do. Wholly and without reservations. Someone who will help heal my trust issues with patience and understanding. Someone who actually deserves me.

One day...I'm hopeful. But for now, I'll just count my blessings, be thankful for my friends, and work on fixing myself.

<3

4am...yet again

2009-12-31T04:02:00.002-05:00

So I'm going to try and sleep now. Tomorrow (today) is going to be nice. I get my godson for the night and Vic and I are going to just rent some movies and cook dinner and hang out at her house with the kids for NYE. Did I use too many 'ands'? Too bad. I should dig around in my cookbook and see if I can find something new to fix.

Going to see my sister for the first time in a couple of years in 14 days. I can't wait. Of course, classes start up again at the same time and I'm taking a 5 day weekend to go see her but oh well. I need to see my baby sister and my girls.

I really have nothing else to say right now. I'm thinking of creating another blog for my Star Wars characters. I post journal entries for them on a forum but I think it'd be fun to stick them in a real blog. Plus that way you can read all the exciting stuff that's going on in the game... lol.

Ok, I've deflected enough. I'm going to bed.

PS. today was pretty good...aside from my bowels deciding that I was going to be sick for a few hours.

Apathetic much?

2009-12-30T04:44:00.002-05:00

Just so you know, the last post wasn't anything other than me needing to let go of some stuff. This time of year is always bad for me, and it has been for a long time. I lost my best friend almost 11 years ago and the sadness always starts the last couple of days of December. I try not to dwell. I try to distract myself with other things. I try to ignore how I feel...just for a few days. It never works. I always end up crying into my pillow for hours for no apparent reason. I know why...I just don't like to talk about it. But that's why we have the internet right?

Having this screen in front of me allows me to spill my deepest darkest secrets without fear or worry, because frankly...no one reads this but me anyway. I can be anyone I want to and you'll never know. Just don't get me alone in a room, I might disappoint you. Blah blah blah, boo hoo. Yes I know I'm getting all weepy. So what. Trouble is, it gets worse as I get older. My hot flashes are getting harder to deal with. I'm having some really difficult times sleeping (thankfully the only thing I have to get up for is church on sundays - not looking forward to classes starting again...I wonder if that will help me get back on my proper schedule?).

Maybe I shouldn't worry. Maybe I should just let everything be. There's some lyrics of a song that Bob sent me a long time ago. "Worrying is about as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum."

Here's the Yoda version of it...just cause I'm a nerd like that

I did go to bed by 9ish last night...and then woke up at 1:30am *sigh*. I ate a little, played some Star Wars, watched a comedy special with Robin Williams...he's not as funny as he used to be. It just seems like his humor has gone down the toilet...or maybe I'm not used to seeing him do stand up and he's always been like that? Not that I have any problem with toilet humor, he just doesn't do it well.

I'm supposed to go grocery shopping with Victoria tomorrow....I don't really see myself getting up at any kind of decent hour to do that actually. Thankfully I bought some micro meals for the leech to warm up so I don't have to cook. Which really is kinda sad because I pulled out some ground turkey the other day to make some tacos and I've really been looking forward to it.

I really need to work on the whole 'letting go' thing.

I hate

2009-12-29T05:22:00.001-05:00

I hate being right all the time.
I hate being ignored.
I hate always being just friends.
I hate always being the strong one.
I hate being so god damned emotional.
I hate being so f'ing weak.
I hate being all alone in a crowded room.
I hate crying...really really really hate it.
I hate needing people.
I hate knowing I'm going to be alone the rest of my life.
I hate faking it.
I hate being vulnerable.
I hate not being able to give up.
I hate believing in love that's not meant for me.
I hate being patient.
I hate not being in control.
I hate not being needed.
I hate being selfish.
I hate not fitting in.
I hate being held at arms length.
I hate living in the past.
I hate that I don't know how not to.
I hate not knowing.
I hate not sleeping.
I hate that I can't give up.
I hate that I still see the good in people that hurt me the worst.
I hate not being more vindictive.
I hate that I can't see myself the way my son does.
I hate being so optimistic.
I hate being so kind.
I hate it when I'm mean and hateful.
I hate that I can't be kinder to myself.
I hate that I've cried the entire time I wrote this.
I really hate the holidays.
and sometimes .. I hate that I love you.

I'm sorry.

Merry Hogswatch

2009-12-25T04:35:00.003-05:00

It's after 4:30am and I'm still not asleep. I told the leech he could wake me up at 10...ugh...on top of, I found one present that didn't get wrapped. I should do that quickly.

I heart this band...you should heart it too.

Done...but not quite!

2009-12-24T17:59:00.002-05:00

Presents are wrapped woooo! I did it while the leech was outside playing cause I'm sneaky like that. He's still contagious so he'll be staying home tonight and not joining me for service. Which makes me a little sad because Victoria won't be here either :( .

Sent Bob the email...everything's good. Tho I think I'm over thinking things again as usual lol. Thankfully he'll tell me so and everything will go back to normal. I blame the hormones....which btw, I'm on day 4 and no major side effects still! Very glad my face hasn't decided to break out again.

I did my core workout last night but skipped the Tai Chi...it was like after 4am when I finally got to the first part of my workout and I was exhausted. Sadly I couldn't fall asleep till almost 6:30 :/ . Gonna try and get to bed a little early tonight. Maybe make the leech some pancakes for breakfast tomorrow. Careful, the world might stop spinning if I do it lol!

Procrastination!!!!

2009-12-24T03:35:00.004-05:00

I do this every year. I wait until Christmas Eve to wrap the presents...and then I end up staying up way too late which means I sleep longer and make the kids wait to wake me up lol. I'm so evil. Thankfully they understand and are happy with their stockings. Plus we compromise. They're not allowed to wake me up before 9am.

I'm exhausted. I haven't done my workout. I ate 5 chocolate covered cherries today. I'm sitting here listening to music and trolling some forums. I'm also hoping that the leech will feel better by xmas. Oh, right...he's got bronchitis. We were at the doctor's office today. 4 days of antibiotics and steroids. He's actually been quiet tonight. No coughing. I hope that means he's getting better. Poor thing has been coughing painfully for the last month. Maybe I'll make my stuffed mushrooms and oreo pie tomorrow to keep me busy. I won't be able to go to Rachel's house for xmas dinner but hopefully the leech'll be feeling better the day after and we can go then. I miss my extra kids!

So here's a thought. I was playing SWG today and made a new RP friend. The role play wandered the way it wanted and my character ended up on his character's ship for a little virtual sin-making. Not that I have a problem with that...but, well it's gotten me thinking. I've never been in any intimate RP situation with anyone but Bob the Bird, and well...I know Bob and I aren't together but..it seems weird to be doing something like that with someone else. Granted I don't go all out and into deep details with it. I'm pretty quick to fade to black when it seems like that's the path the RP will take. Still tho, it almost feels like I'm cheating on Bob, which is right silly I know.

At the same time...I don't want to limit my RP just because I feel like that. I have other characters that aren't tied intimately to any of Bob's and if I limit them in any way, then I feel like I might be missing out on something. There's just got to be a way to go about this without hurting any feelings or making anyone jealous/upset. Not that he would be...hell, I don't even know how he feels anymore. Maybe I should ask him...except that I don't want him to think we're having one of those conversations after all these years. I happen to enjoy our friendship and things get complicated and uncomfortable when you start dragging up old feelings and stuff.

On the other hand...I am on hormones right now so it's quite possible that I'm just over thinking all this and he'd tell me I was being silly. Maybe I'll send him an email since he's away on xmas vacation.

Then after that I'm gonna do my work out and go to bed. I promise!!! :D

2009-12-22T03:02:00.003-05:00

I've been in a writing mood lately. I wrote a couple of journal entries for a character I role play in Star Wars Galaxies. I think they came out pretty good. Now I'm here...not sure for what, nothing really exciting has happened.

I went to church tonight for solstice service. It was really nice and intimate as there was roughly only 20ish people there for the service. Poor Aidan slept through the entire thing - I gave him a dose of Nyquil earlier. I got a little teary during one of the songs...I blame the hormones tho.

Speaking of hormones. I started taking that hormone pack the doc put me on for my back. Today was the first day and I took 6 pills. It was kinda weird, I have to say. I didn't really notice any change in my personality. No mood swings or general crabbiness. I did send a friend request to a guy who I used to be friends with. We haven't been friends in almost a year but were actually talking nicely on a mutual friend's Facebook status. I'm not sure if we're done not being friends but I kinda hope so. He was a pretty decent guy and lord knows I can use all the friends I can get right now. Besides, life's too short to hold a grudge right? Or maybe I'm just being too kind hearted again. Who knows.

It's after 3am. I need to go do my core exercises and the Tai Chi. If I allow myself to not do it because of the late hour, I'll stop doing it and darnit I'm tired of not taking my health seriously.

I miss Victoria already :(

Lateness

2009-12-21T01:32:00.002-05:00

I'm still alive. I know you were worried. It's ok, you can breathe now. I just needed to lock myself up and hide for a couple of days after finals. Grades weren't terrible but of course I could have done better.

Got a new exercise mat so I can start doing my core training again. It's nice and thick. My abs hate me but they'll get over it. Did my Tai Chi tonight. My arms and legs are shaky and sore and I'm exhausted so I'm going to bed cause it's after 1:30am. Let's see how long I can keep this up eh?

Got the Christmas shopping for the leech done last week while he was in school. I hate that I couldn't afford more :/ Oh well, he's getting a computer in January probably. Hummingbird is going to get a *********....if he can manage to stop getting suspended from school!

Side note: I had actually put what he was going to get instead of the ***** but then I realized, he might actually read this so I replaced it with the asterisks just in case.

I'm going to bed now. Love to all!

Shhhhhhh...

2009-12-16T15:26:00.002-05:00

Finals are over. I've had 3 hours of sleep in the last 48 hours. I miss Victoria. I miss my son. I've bribed him with lots of food that is bad for you tonight because I have to sleep. Tomorrow, if I get up early enough I'm going to go Christmas shopping for him. I can't wait, but I hate being on a limited budget.

I may have to retake Calculus. That stupid final lowered my grade too much.

I'm going to bed now. G'night!

The day in-between

2009-12-15T03:25:00.003-05:00

The physics final wasn't too bad...tho many penguins had to die....and there was a lot of penguin violence...and a blender. Don't ask.

Thankfully I won't have to retake the class. Yay for amply endowed and strategically shown cleavage in class. Oh no, I'm not above using my weapons of mass distraction to help my grade.

The calculus final was brutal. I had to leave at least 4 questions unanswered. The smart guys I studied with before the exam both looked at each other and mouthed "Oh f*k this test is hard!" *sigh*. I'm afraid that the final will lower my grade. I really don't want to have to retake any more classes.

After finals I came home and fed the kid, set the alarm and went to bed...it was 5:30pm. I slept till about 11 then got up and started a marathon of Greek. I don't really have much to say except that tomorrow/today will be spent finishing up my last final and turn it in weds. I am pretty hungry...but I'm too lazy to go fix something and don't have anything quick to stick in the microwave. I wish something was open so that I could order delivery. Hmm...biscuits sound really good right now.

So, yeah..I'm gonna go get some biscuits, and watch some more tv. Yay for being (almost) done!

Please don't tell my mother!

2009-12-14T02:21:00.001-05:00

It's 2:30am, finals start in less than 6 hours, I'm not in bed yet and I haven't studied. She'd be terribly disappointed.

Thanks.

Where you are is just where you're supposed to be...I promise.

2009-12-13T19:57:00.004-05:00

Today's sermon was special to me because John talked about helping others who had less than you. It's, of course, right in the holiday spirit..but it's not just about that one moment of the year. It's about taking care of each other throughout the entire year. I also think I've decided where I want to start my activism...now if only I can get John to tell me who I need to talk to about it lol.

I also found a new favorite singer, Susan Werner thanks to John. He's got a song of her's on his blog with today's sermon. Love it.

Other than that, what's been going on? I've been avoiding the unavoidable. Finals are tomorrow and what have I been doing all weekend? Everything but study *sigh*. I'm terrible about this. I'll just wait till tomorrow and cram it all in. That always works right? No...but I still haven't learned yet. Oh well, for better or worse, the majority of it will be over tomorrow. Then I just have to spend Tuesday finishing up my take-home. Oh, and I'm wearing my pj's to my final tomorrow at 8am ... ugh!

I really felt the need to write something...well...more, I guess. More inspirational. More deep. More thought provoking. But I'm failing at that as well. So I s'pose I'll go tweeze my other eyebrow, watch a show on Hulu, and hopefully get to sleep early enough that I can wake up around 6 and eat breakfast/cram a little before the final.

I do hope everyone's had a good weekend.

All I wanted

2009-12-11T23:26:00.004-05:00

...was forever. Apparently that was too much to hope for.

I'd really appreciate it when these tears stop falling. It gets kinda difficult to carry on a conversation with a huge lump in my throat. Also, the sniffling from the teary nose isn't very attractive either.

I feel all hormonal and I haven't even started taking those pills yet *sigh*.

On the bright side, the sound is fixed and my mic works again.

Today's flubs.

2009-12-11T00:06:00.002-05:00

So while trying to fix my sound input (ie, my mic) I ended up completely removing any type of sound from my laptop. There will be no sound coming in or out of it until I find someone who can fix it. *le sigh*

Almost left my credit card at Applebee's. Yay for the the youngest Brother of Awesome (whom I will train to take my place when I graduate). Also almost left my food there that was boxed up, also yay for the yBoA! He's pretty handy to have around.

Today's topic was "Are you in touch with your inner hooker?!" and whether or not to host another adult movie night over the break. More on that tomorrow. I'm tired now.

An act of faith in the infinity of Godhead.

2009-12-10T18:16:00.004-05:00

There are many paths, and mine is but one.
I will follow it as best I can.
I will not say that I am right and others wrong,
Only that I will try to do what is right for me.
The light of the sun falls on the whole Earth;
It does not shine exclusively for my benefit.
If I can see it from where I stand,
So others can see it from where they are.
But, if there are others who wish to walk beside me,
I will help them if they ask.
If there are others who do not see a way,
I will offer mine.
If my path is theirs, I will rejoice...
But if it is not, I will not sorrow.
For the Universe is infinite.

-I've had this reading for a very long time. I didn't write this, but sadly I can't find out who did.-

I don't need another hero

2009-12-09T22:58:00.004-05:00

So I've been thinking (stop laughing) ... and I think maybe I'm going about this the wrong way. Maybe instead of looking for a hero, I should be looking for a compliment. When I find the hero-type, he gets put above me. His needs supersede mine, his wants and desires become my own. I effectively get lost in him and lose sight of 'me'. I think that's what happened to me over the years. I never took the time to redefine who I was. I never reached down deep and reconnected with my center.

I've always been comfortable for the most part about where I was going, and while I might have had doubts about my path and looked on the past fondly (I'm good at blacking out the bad parts), I've never wanted to turn around and go home. No matter how scared I was. I've always been a 'look forward with your chin high' kinda person. However, I've become stuck inside myself. Feeling kinda trapped and while I find comfort in the routines that have come to shape my daily life, I'm screaming inside...trying to break free of these useless and asinine habits that aren't getting me anywhere!

I have a need to make a mark on this world, but I'm scared I think. There's so much that I can and want to do but where do I start? I'm afraid of getting overwhelmed. Actually, what it boils down to at the core of it all is love. I want to love and be loved. That might be selfish of me but I feel like, while I may not have a specific skill set to offer society, I've got plenty of love to go around. I have a story to tell. I have wisdom learned and experience gained. I hope to one day have the appropriate words to be able to express myself properly.

I wonder if my life story will be that light in the darkness for someone...or will it just contribute to their darkness...and does it really matter in the grand scheme of things? I mean, I'm only one person with only one minuscule moment of life compared to the great and powerful universe. If I give my all, will it fade away into the infinitness of existence and make as much of a ripple as if I had given nothing at all?

I honestly don't know. But, I can trust in my actions and that my motivations are for the greater good...and hope. I can cling to hope for you and me and she and we and everything and nothing all at once. I breathe hope infused air...even through my tears, there's hope. When I'm broken and beaten and bruised and tired of fighting...hope is the pillow that comforts me and the walls around me that shelter me from the storm. Hope is the very essence of love and the two are so intertwined that I can't see that you can have one without the other. How can you honestly love your neighbor if you can't honestly hope for the best for them?

Hope is what gives me strength to have faith in something bigger than me. Faith is what keeps me getting up every morning to face the day. Faith in the human race gives me the strength to love...no matter what.

I hope you don't mind.

[All the children say, "We don't need another hero.
We don't need to know the way home.
All we want is life beyond the thunder-dome."

So what do we do with our lives?
We leave only a mark.
Will our story shine like a light
Or end in the dark? Is it all or nothing?]

-excerpt from We Don't Need Another Hero by Tina Turner-

smiles

2009-12-08T23:44:00.002-05:00

Today has been a good day. I got some studying done. I worked on something I'm not supposed to talk about so pretend I just didn't say that. I spent some wonderful and surprising time with Bob the Bird. My son ate all his dinner. I finished the tray of baklava that I bought the other day so it can't tempt me anymore!

It's late and I should get some sleep...heck, I can't even type correctly right now lol :/

I just wanted to say that...well I know I'm terribly oblivious to everything and I'm sorry. I try not to be but it's so easy to get lost in my own little world. I have a few friends that I come out for but ... if I ask you if you're ok and you tell me yes ... please don't be mad when I believe you. I trust that you'll always be honest with me and that you'll tell me if you need me. Granted, I kinda fail sometimes at the whole noticing the obvious thing (see beginning of paragraph) but please be patient. I'm still trying to figure out who I am....and that requires stepping outside of my bubble. Which is not something that's easy for me to do.

I'm struggling to find my place in this world. I mean, I know I'm walking the correct path and I'm definitely enjoying the journey to whatever destination I may be headed towards but...well I'm trying to figure out what the scenery looks like and if I like it or not. It's kinda like someone who is one way their whole life only to find out they had a brain tumor. When it gets removed they don't think anything will change until they start back into their old habits like, eating fries with ketchup. That's when they realize, they don't really like ketchup on their fries, they like mustard.

I feel like I've gone through a significant portion of my life blind to who I am. Living and acting according to the way other people believed me to be and not even really realizing it. So this is me trying to figure 'me' out.

I've come to realize that I enjoy having a higher power that I recognize. I feel so much better now, being able to give him/her/it a name...the 'Cosmic Christ' if you will. I enjoy going to church and look forward to being able to be more active in it. I feel like I've missed out on so much by not having gone to church before. I also know that my friends who knew me before I started going to church are standing there scratching their heads and going "what in the world is she on?" But it's ok.

I'm a fish in the water, flowing with tides of life, struggling against the cross currents that try to get me off track. I know that the more currents that cross me, the stronger my muscles become from overcoming them, so that each subsequent current is just that much easier to swim through. One day I'll be doing flips over those currents before they even get close. Look ma'...no hands!

Stumbling along the path...but I've got bumpers in the gutter!

2009-12-08T15:36:00.000-05:00

I've moved on to the anger phase. I just want to punch something/someone. It would really really really make me feel so much better.

On the bright side...I've been able to channel all this anger energy towards being a study machine for finals next week!

/roar

How true

2009-12-08T00:04:00.002-05:00

He taught me how to love, but not how to stop.

I'm fighting with myself right now. I feel so free to be able to allow my heart to be so open again and yet, there's a part of me that is struggling to lock it up tight again.

Beware my ninja wrath!!

and please don't let my katana slice my heart to ribbons.

Wary

2009-12-07T21:33:00.001-05:00

Little Miss Mary Sunshine had a bad day
She says it's overrated living this way
She took her hair down, left her sweater on the floor
She's not a nice girl any more.

...

Everybody's favorite girl
Doesn't fake it anymore
I'm okay with who I am today
Everybody's got to change
I'm just doing what I can
Could you love me anyway?

Really?? I mean....just ... Really???

2009-12-04T15:05:00.004-05:00

FB Status: Miss Kit'n obviously wasn't loved enough if you can *choose* to set aside your feelings for her and move on. I mean...really?

[name of friend]: I've never been one who is able to "choose" my feelings either. I can go through the motions, but what's in my heart is independent of my input. It does what it damn well pleases.
[Miss Kit'n]: How can you 'play house' with someone when you know you're in love with another??
[name of friend]: I don't think love ever really goes away.

-------
Dear Miss Kit'n,

I don't see a contradiction in loving more than one person. I also know "love isn't enough"... relationships also have to work on practical levels, sexual levels, etc. So even though you love someone, doesn't mean the relationship will work. And just because you love someone, doesn't mean you can't love someone else.

[name of friend]
-------

Dear [name of friend] ,

I'm apologizing right now for any way that I may come off pissy or snippy towards you. I'm not trying to I promise. I'm just really pissed off at him right now and unfortunately that's probably going to carry over into my conversations on this topic.

I understand that you can love someone and have that relationship not work out for whatever reason and then moving on and loving someone else. This is not what I'm talking about.

He left me for some hooker he met at a bus stop simply because she was there and had a viable uterus. And yet he tells me that he's having a hard time dealing with our breakup (which he caused) because his feelings haven't gone away. He chose to set them aside and pursue something else but they're still there on some level.

Now this pisses me off because it's not like I had any decision in the matter. He perceived problems in our relationship that weren't there and instead of giving us a chance to work on it, decided to end it and hop into bed with this hooker. And yet, he's the one still having problems dealing with this. I feel like god damnit, if I can continue to move on every day then there's no damned way he should be having any problems at all and if he is then he deserves it because he fucked up a good thing.

Will I love someone else in the future. Possibly, but I'm not putting my heart out there like that again. Will I always love him. Yes. In fact, he'll probably always be my one weakness. But I'm not going to let him or anyone else make me feel so utterly unimportant and insignificant again.

sorry for the rant :/

[Miss Kit'n]
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Note to the one person who actually reads this blog (me):

No I don't actually believe his new girlfriend is a hooker that he met at the bus stop but that is how I will refer to her
I really want to just punch him in the face right now
I hope he's miserable without me
I hope he regrets his decision
I will never let him affect me like that again
any subsequent relationship he and I may or may not have will be on MY terms and not his.
I hope he knows that he's settled for less than what he could have had with me.
I still wish him the best in everything he does
I hope he comes to a point in life that he's truly happy
I feel sorry for him and his inability to fight for what he wants
I'd still take him back after all of this...but as stated in #6, only on my own terms.
Where the hell does he get off feeling bad about any of this? I'm the one who had my heart ripped out and stomped on and torn apart but he still can't get over it? He has no right to still feel bad about this.

...and yet after all of this, I still would take him into my arms and forgive him and love him...

Blahblahblah

2009-12-02T22:12:00.003-05:00

The semester is winding to a close. Finals are coming up soon. There's a mad rush to study for the last few quizzes and to get the last homeworks done. I've taken the last of my muscle relaxers so I don't have to worry about sleeping too late and missing physics (sadly lol).

Been spending more time on SWG again. I missed it and my friends there. Silly thing about having a life...keeps you from submersing yourself online - except when your life is online. The thing is, every time I try to settle it never works and I always end up going back to him. It's a terrible shame lol. I told him that coming back to him was like having make up sex after a big fight...it was fun!

I could see us living together and growing old together but not in a romantical way - I've pretty much gotten over that, tho there is still the wishful thinking of course lol. Kinda like my grandma and Joe did it. Oh, they may have been sweethearts when they were younger but in their old age they were just roommates that took care of each other and didn't need anyone else.

I've been wondering a lot lately about where my life will end up. What I'll be doing in the end. Before, tho...I would have been stressing out and gotten impatient about not being there now, right this second thank you very much...today, I'm pretty ok with not being there. I'm loving where I'm at now. Living in the moment. Living my life. Laughing and loving hard. Striving to do new things and meet new people. Going out of my way to have new experiences.

Speaking of new experiences. I'm going to Denmark for spring break. I'm going to spend a whole week with him. I can't wait. I'm so excited but nervous also at the same time. I don't do well in new places and situations. I get so nervous. Afraid I'm not going to see something important or look really out of place. I felt that way even when I went to Canada but it wasn't so bad the first time because Eric wasn't at the airport to pick me up. I took a cab to the hotel and then had time to calm down and relax a bit before he got there and our first meeting was one on one in the room. With Robert it will be different. I'll be in a completely different country with a different language and I'll meet him at the airport surrounded by hundreds of other people. I'm afraid I'll walk right passed him...like I do to Victoria all the time lol.

Vic and I are also moving in together in May. This makes me very happy and I want it to be May right now! However, again...I'm not as impatient as I would normally be. I'm thinking this is a good thing. I'm embracing this new 'roll with the punches' outlook. It's kinda fun to just see where life takes me.

I've procrastinated homework enough. Time for bed.

For me.

2009-11-30T23:10:00.002-05:00

I am not:

- responsible for your failure to communicate
- your doormat
- perfect
- able to let you go yet
- allowing you to walk all over my heart anymore
- letting myself make excuses for the way you treat me
- going to let my skin crawl when I think of you with her
- going to hate myself for being something I'm not
- going to believe that while you weren't good enough for me, I'm not good enough for anyone else
- going to lie to myself anymore
- going to make excuses for your inability to help me let go
- going to depend on you for support anymore, I can do it without you
- going to believe your promises...they've lost value with me now
- going to hate you...I'm a bigger person than that
- going to adjust my life or my schedule around you anymore
- going to stop being me

I am:

- beautiful
- a good person
- wonderful
- deserving of love
- willing to let other people in even after you trampled over my heart
- strong enough to live without you
- surrounded by magnificent friends who took the time to really get to know me and still love me anyway.
- ok with still hurting from you leaving me
- going to heal and be stronger because of it
- thankful for the time we had together
- sorry you never knew me
- forgiving you
- still crying myself to sleep sometimes
- learning to let go
- going to stop dwelling on the 'what ifs'
- going to give you your time to heal
- going to always be there for you...but on my own terms this time
- making new friends
- perfectly ok with where I'm at now

Boredom

2009-11-26T21:41:00.000-05:00

......

It's thanksgiving. Victoria is at her apartment with her mom. We spent the day with Rachel. I took Christopher, Jasmyn and Jaxxon home with me. I think I'm crazy. I hope the baby sleeps through the night. I'm supposed to go see G tomorrow. Hope he makes it home in time lol.

I don't really have anything else to say right now. I should put the kids to bed and read for awhile before bed.

.......

Eat my hands.

2009-11-23T18:11:00.001-05:00

I've been having the urge to write lately but I'm not exactly sure what to write about. When I've tried to put pencil to paper and make words, it doesn't end well *sigh*.

It's barely after 6pm and I'm exhausted. I have the need to reach out to old friends for laughter and witty banter, but there's no one around. I have homework I should be working on but I feel the need to curl up on the couch and read. Ugh....I don't really feel restless, I just feel like I should be doing something else...but I don't have the energy to even try.

I have the need to have someone to curl up with....but that's one need that will go unsatiated.

Mothers

2009-11-21T21:05:00.001-05:00

My mom asked how I was today. She said she was sorry. I almost cried. So much for thinking I was doing ok.

New Moon

2009-11-21T01:37:00.002-05:00

I went to see the movie tonight with Victoria. We got there about an hour early and they had us line up for the theater 30 minutes before the showtime...and then they were 30 minutes late showing it!

All in all, it was a fairly good movie. There were funny parts and the amount of man-hips were just overwhelming. I think I was drooling most of the time. Not at Edward or Jacob....but their hips. Gah, I have a severe obsession with hips....and I miss you.

It was kinda hard to watch the movie tonight. Little things made me think of you. That Jacob is a furnace for Bella...I miss how you made me sweat. When Edward broke it off with her and she refuses to believe that he doesn't want to be with her. After he left, how she says that she felt like their was a hole in her chest. How she tried to do things she knew he wouldn't approve of, just to hear his voice in her head telling her to stop. Then in the end, when he tells her that he can't exist in a world without her. My eyes got a little wet and my throat closed up a bit.

But we're not Edward and Bella are we? We're not some fairy tale dream. You don't want me anymore and I'm learning to live with that. I feel like her in a way....spending all my time with other people trying to fill the hole in my heart...and it works, for the most part. I'm able to convince myself that I'm better than I really am. But then there are moments like this. When I see what we had reflected in other people. And then realize that the difference between us and them is that they'll have their fairy tale ending.

I'm overly emotional right now because I'm exhausted...please forgive me. I really am doing okay...but I still have my moments, and they kinda sneak up on me. I really wanted to get up and leave in the middle of the movie but I couldn't. I love the story so much. The struggle and the love. The hope and the despair. This was one of those moments. I'll go to sleep soon and will want to cry but the tears won't come. Eventually I'll fall asleep and tomorrow will be a new day, full of hope and beginnings.

I've decided that I'm going to put my passport to use. I'm spending a week in March with my very dear friend Robert in Denmark. I'm going to sleep in his spare bed and spend hours talking and flirting and laughing and eating and dancing and snuggling on the couch watching terrible movies together. He's going into the Army soon and I'm afraid that if something ever happened to him I'll feel terrible that I never got to hug him. 5 years we've been friends. He's helped me through so much and we've been through so much together....and yet no matter what, I always go back to him. I treasure him so much.

I've also made a new friend who lives about an hour away. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about him yet. We talk every day, emails and texts. He makes me laugh with his words and his mannerisms. He knows about you and how I'm healing and he's ok with that. He respects my space and my need to step back and move slowly. Regardless of any attraction he and I may or may not have towards each other, he's already proven to me that he will be a wonderful friend and I'm going to talk to him about spending the day together soon. Maybe next weekend. I'll let him take me to a bookstore and we'll sit in the coffee shop and discuss our favorite authors and art and the meaning of life and then I'll let him take me to dinner for more wonderful conversation and afterwords I may let him take me to his studio and let me see his artwork. Or I may just meet him for coffee, have a couple of laughs but be extremely uncomfortable, call it an early night and go home. Either way is fine by me.

I think Victoria and I are going to get an apartment together. We're going to go looking over the next couple of weeks/months and try to get into something next summer. It would be nice to have a roommate I think. Especially her. She and I work really well together...altho, I feel extremely guilty for leaving her on spring break to go visit Robert...but she pretty much told me I had to lol.

Anyway, I think it's just about bedtime. You haven't written me in a couple of days and I'm not really sure what to think about that. You have no obligation to contact me every day and I'm sure you probably don't want to. I'm sure that you stay away from the computer as much as possible trying to do everything you can to forget I exist....to make it easier for you to move on with your life. I can't blame you. I try not to think about you. It still kinda hurts. When I'm not looking and my guard is down, I can feel that missing piece of my heart that you still have.

I hope she makes you happy. Truly and honestly happy. You do deserve it. I hope that one day you love her more than you loved me.

Meh, I'm getting all sappy and shit...yeah, it's time for bed.

I love you.
I love us.
I love me.

Moving on.

2009-11-19T22:27:00.003-05:00

Today marks a week since he said goodbye...and yet I feel oddly at peace. I've met new friends, a couple that are just amazing and have so much love to share that they are willing to bring another person into their relationship...a minister who gives sermons at a progressive church and is open minded enough to believe that hey, I'm not necessarily going to hell just because I don't believe that the Christian God is the almighty....and a man from a social networking/dating site that gives amazing conversation and respects the fact that I am only recently single and healing and not looking for any type of relationship other than friends...not once has he been anything but fun and friendly and yet, I know he's happy to wait to see if we have chemistry until and if I'm ever ready for that.

I've picked up my copy of the Tao again. Here's a piece from chapter 29:

Sometimes you lead
Sometimes you follow
Sometimes you are stifled
Sometimes you breathe easy
Sometimes you are strong
Sometimes you are weak
Sometimes you destroy
And sometimes you are destroyed.

This really speaks to me right now. I love him deeply. I always will. I hope that he doesn't beat himself up over his decision. He did what he thought was best for him and how can I fault that? I just need to take this experience and see what kind of person I become when I emerge fully from it. I'm cautiously excited.

My counselor tells me I should look into meditation to help me get over my control issues. I always have to know what's going on. I have a hard time being ok when I can't see the big picture. I've been feeling complacent and lost a bit myself lately...like I'm wandering around in nothingness but that if I can just go a little bit further in I can get past the nothingness and see what's really there, except there's a tether that's keeping me from going any further. It feels almost like a safety net and yet I also feel a little aggravated by it. Slowly I'm going to figure this out. Right now I'm just living in the here and now. Wishing and praying that my loved ones find happiness and serenity in their lives.

I'm able to listen to music without thinking of him and crying. This is a big step for me...oh how I've missed my music.

Thoughts are jumbled but they flow as they're meant to.

Fresh?

2009-11-18T23:13:00.000-05:00

I need a change, but I still need to blog.

Maybe I'll change this one around and make it useful again.

I'm healing.

Fuck a duck with the wrong end of a plunger!

2009-06-22T00:02:00.002-04:00

You're walking around like nothing's wrong but your entire world is about to fall apart. If you'd be honest with yourself you'd have seen this coming long before me. I don't know that you can see without your glasses though. I just want to scream in your face and shove you down the stairs. Maybe that will knock you off your crooked path. Set you back on the walk you should have been on...alone...together...regardless...without him.

A punch in the nose...a smack in the face...some cyanide in your cereal might be your saving grace. The snow on the television is breaking up the rainbow. Bleach and Ajax with a dash of vinegar might make you dance like a star. To yourself...who are we to judge...yet you turn your head and look to the crowd with pleading eyes...willing to pay someone else to fix themselves...willing to bribe the dog with peanut butter to fuck the neighbor's cousin in her sleep to make sure no one knows that it's really you that's fucked up...not us. We shit perfection and you smear it over yourself trying to catch up but you only smell worse.

There's a staircase...2 flights should be enough...if you let me trip you I promise I'll feel better. A window perhaps...I'll move the car so you don't scratch it....give me a minute to turn up this song...or should I tape your mouth shut...no one cares about your screams.

Oh look...a squirrel.

Explosion pending.

2009-06-21T20:47:00.002-04:00

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

I hate this...omg I hate this soooo much. I'm tired of feeling like I'm your dirty secret when we both know I'm not!!!

I want the option to molest you whenever and where ever I want to damnit. I don't want to have to restrain myself at all when it concerns you.

This is the worst part of being away from you.

I hate it.

ALOT.

Look...a post...

2009-05-06T19:49:00.002-04:00

and it's not on a fence...

I'm not big on the whole blogging thing...I can go weeks and months without putting anything down. I'm not a fan of words. Which actually kinda sucks since we need them to talk...who knew?? I feel....lost...like I'm walking around in a cloud that's keeping me from my daily life. I should have been studying all day but I only found enough motivation to get my book and notes together and stack them neatly in a pile. Yesterday I had someone to talk to, and a book to read, and a plan to spend today studying...today, I have nothing but a deep sadness and a unsettling feeling of being so very alone. I hate it.

Ok, I need to stop being so damned pitiful...I'm going to try to study now. Not that you care or anything, right?

If it kills me.

2009-05-04T23:04:00.003-04:00

Time is an elusive, tangible evil....it teases you with its closeness then jumps back and laughs at how far away it really is...because no matter how close it is, it's never close enough...until it is...but when it is, oh how my heart will sing...to be with you, wrapped up in your arms, home...finally.

My heart wants to skip a beat when you come near...my nose wants to become intoxicated with your smell...my tongue wants to be intimate with your taste...my skin tingles to become one with yours.

I never realized how empty my bed was until I met you....I wonder if time is enjoying this 10 day tease???

My dear sweet Coraline...

2009-04-12T01:37:00.001-04:00

....you really know how to blow, tho it's too bad you don't swallow...I might actually have gotten my money's worth.

I can't really complain since the wives and kid enjoyed it. Oh the things one does to keep your significant others happy....

What have you done lately??

Masturbation

2009-04-12T01:36:00.003-04:00

so why is it that it feels better when you're sick/intoxicated or otherwise not feeling normal?

I think I masturbate more when I'm sick than I do the rest of the year....

I'll be in my bunk.

Things to do at work..

2009-04-12T01:36:00.001-04:00

I'm a very private person when it comes to sex...do it in the privacy of your own home and all that jazz, well at least not on video or anything.

There's this thing that's been on my mind for awhile now...and I'm really wanting to try it, but I'm too much of a chicken lol.

I wanna have sex at work. Not just boring ol' on the desk sex. I'm talking, up against the glass windows so that the blinds get squished and everyone outside can see your hand ride up my thigh and under my skirt, take a few steps to the next wall and pin me too it so close that I have to breathe through your mouth, rip my top open so buttons go flying as you push me down on top of the desk and frantically pushing things away so I don't get stabbed with scissors, fuck me so hard I can't be quiet and your boss walks in on us but can't do anything but stand there and stare while the rest of the office is looking over his shoulder.

That's the kinda sex I want....just thought I'd throw that out there

Something....maybe?

2009-04-12T01:34:00.001-04:00

i'm tired...and sore...and hungry...and worn to the bone with weariness...wishing i was a little more selfish...oh wait...i am he said...irrationally...what does that mean...show me the numbers...here let me throw them up in your face for you....you see the curve of this two...the hard lines of this seven...that's my heart...on my sleeve...the fullness of this eight...my love...the sharp corners of that four...you...and all with downward motion...wont let my love settle and i'm not skilled enough to sink it in your trenches....to over flow you into a nine...so give me that pencil...i need the eraser to fix me...to change my lines into something you'll like better...excuse me while i bleed tears...

Cardboard Smiles

2009-04-12T01:32:00.001-04:00

stay awake for me...leave your eyes open...let's find this moment together....leave her at the door...i'll put my doubts and fears in her pocket for safe keeping...this is what matters...you...me...maybe one day i'll start to believe i matter to someone....would you mind helping me tonight....maybe it's just me...maybe i'm the flawed one...maybe I shouldn't have used the mask on the back of the cereal box..they never last long in the rain...