I wonder

I should be studying for my Differential Equations quiz in 2 hours. I will...I just need to get this out.

This morning as I was leaving for class I looked down at my task bar and saw that Eric had logged out of Yahoo. My heart momentarily stopped and I was filled with conflicting emotions. First of all, that I had logged onto Yahoo and not noticed he was on is a huge deal. I can remember the days when that was the first thing I looked for and how disappointed I would be if he wasn't there. Secondly, I was a little upset and hurt that he saw me log on but didn't say anything.

So I spent the whole day with him on my mind. Not something I wanted to do, I promise. A part of me wanted to rush home and wait and see if he'd log back on like I used to do. The new me recognized these feelings and let them go. I'm not waiting around for anyone anymore. Especially someone who has made it very clear that they don't want to be with me.

This is me living my life and not desperately chasing after someone who may or may not want to talk to me. If you want me, you've got to come get me damnit.

Now I'm off to study.

The Journey

So here's something new. I'm going to purge my body of all the junk. The idea is sound, but I doubt I have the willpower.

Here's the plan. Sunday through Tuesday I'll eat broth and extremely light soups (if I get too weak) and then Wednesday through Saturday I'll reintroduce food into my system by way of vegetarianism. I've bought cookbooks. I've bought a small journal to keep with me so that I can record my thoughts/feelings and weight through all of this. I'm making plans to blog about it (notice the new section on the right here titled "The Journey").

The problem? I'm famous for great ideas that I never follow through on. Plus, I love love love eating food that's bad for me. I live outside my body. When I pass a mirror and see myself, it shocks me because that's not who I picture myself to be. It's not just the weight, it's other things like my facial structure and how I smile. I don't think I'm ugly or look bad...it's just a shock to see myself through someone else's eyes.

Maybe I can start being healthy now? I'm starting this Sunday. During our meditation time at church, I'm going to pray about it. Try and get a clearer picture of how this will work. I feel like there's a big change for me just over the horizon, I just need a push.

Anyway, I know there's only 2 people who read this, but it's always good to get a plan of action down and have someone holding you accountable ... right?