Pocket full of happiness

 Yup, I have it.  I'm currently in Denmark if you didn't know.  I love it.  The architecture is so simple and amazing in its simplicity.  The people are so easy going and nice...and my friends...are the best.  I'm so glad I was able to do this trip - even though the sex museum was closed lol.

Viktoria, is so full of vitality and fun.  Vincent is so proper at first glance but is such a wonderful guy.  Robert is..everything I've come to know the last 5 years of knowing him.  I feel so comfortable here with them.  There hasn't been the slightest bit of awkwardness or uncomfortableness that I've known before from meeting people that I've met online.  I think it's because I've known them for so long online.  Regardless, these are three friends that will always have a special place in my heart...no matter where life takes us.

There is a bit of ... confusion ... I think, going on inside of me though.  I didn't come here with any expectations of my relationship with Robert other than being wonderful friends...but there have been a couple of moments when he and I have been alone, just talking, and I'll catch myself wanting to kiss him.  It's a bit of a shock...not much, considering our history...but..I really thought I was over that part of it.  I've been able to catch that feeling and let it go though so there's no uncomfortableness or anything.  Plus, I'm not going to do anything about it.  I'm done being the one who makes the first move. 

Everyone is asleep and I'm not tired.  Of course, it's only 8:40pm in the states and in Denmark it's 2:40.  I should go to sleep soon.  Viktoria passed her sickness to Robert and I ... and I'm going to need all the rest I can get to fight it off.  Tomorrow will be nice, we're just going to hang around the house until we take Viktoria to the train station and then go visit 3 more friends that I've met online.  I'm a little nervous about this meeting because while I met them years ago, around the same time I met Robert, I don't really know them.  We'll see.  If it gets weird I've got Vincent to talk to lol.

Think I'm gonna go surf the interwebs for awhile before I fall asleep.  Hope everyone is having a great week.  I'll be home the evening of the 13th.  Try not to miss me.

Writings

I've been enjoying my vacation. Haven't really done much of anything except spend time online playing SWG and making new friends. Bob's been absent longer than normal this year but he finally came back online today and I got to talk to him. I worry about him. Sometimes he doesn't seem happy and it makes my heart hurt. I just want to make everything alright for him.

Victoria's been having issues with her dad. I swear I wish I could punch him for her. I want to hold her tightly and make her forget all about him and his empty promises. Also, she's been my hero for the last week or so now. My tire exploded last week when we were on the way to the library and I can't fix it till next week when I get back from vacation. She's been driving me around when I venture outside to go to the store. She had to go home yesterday though, her grandma's been really sick. I hope she's ok, her grandma is pretty neat.

Let's see...what else? I've been writing a lot on my other projects. I've been trying to do a lot there because I know once school starts up again I won't really have any time or energy to devote to them. Even though I'm not that great of a writer, I really do enjoy it.

I have a guilty pleasure...Simply Red and Rick Astley...and other musicness of that sort. I found Simply Red's YouTube channel and was listening to some of his stuff. Here's one of my favorites:



Anyway, it's late and my bum hurts...I'm gonna go to bed now I think. Gotta do laundry and finish cleaning the apartment tomorrow to get ready for my trip to see my little sister. I can't wait to see her :)

Apathetic much?

Just so you know, the last post wasn't anything other than me needing to let go of some stuff. This time of year is always bad for me, and it has been for a long time. I lost my best friend almost 11 years ago and the sadness always starts the last couple of days of December. I try not to dwell. I try to distract myself with other things. I try to ignore how I feel...just for a few days. It never works. I always end up crying into my pillow for hours for no apparent reason. I know why...I just don't like to talk about it. But that's why we have the internet right?

Having this screen in front of me allows me to spill my deepest darkest secrets without fear or worry, because frankly...no one reads this but me anyway. I can be anyone I want to and you'll never know. Just don't get me alone in a room, I might disappoint you. Blah blah blah, boo hoo. Yes I know I'm getting all weepy. So what. Trouble is, it gets worse as I get older. My hot flashes are getting harder to deal with. I'm having some really difficult times sleeping (thankfully the only thing I have to get up for is church on sundays - not looking forward to classes starting again...I wonder if that will help me get back on my proper schedule?).

Maybe I shouldn't worry. Maybe I should just let everything be. There's some lyrics of a song that Bob sent me a long time ago. "Worrying is about as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum."



Here's the Yoda version of it...just cause I'm a nerd like that



I did go to bed by 9ish last night...and then woke up at 1:30am *sigh*. I ate a little, played some Star Wars, watched a comedy special with Robin Williams...he's not as funny as he used to be. It just seems like his humor has gone down the toilet...or maybe I'm not used to seeing him do stand up and he's always been like that? Not that I have any problem with toilet humor, he just doesn't do it well.

I'm supposed to go grocery shopping with Victoria tomorrow....I don't really see myself getting up at any kind of decent hour to do that actually. Thankfully I bought some micro meals for the leech to warm up so I don't have to cook. Which really is kinda sad because I pulled out some ground turkey the other day to make some tacos and I've really been looking forward to it.

I really need to work on the whole 'letting go' thing.

I hate

I hate being right all the time.
I hate being ignored.
I hate always being just friends.
I hate always being the strong one.
I hate being so god damned emotional.
I hate being so f'ing weak.
I hate being all alone in a crowded room.
I hate crying...really really really hate it.
I hate needing people.
I hate knowing I'm going to be alone the rest of my life.
I hate faking it.
I hate being vulnerable.
I hate not being able to give up.
I hate believing in love that's not meant for me.
I hate being patient.
I hate not being in control.
I hate not being needed.
I hate being selfish.
I hate not fitting in.
I hate being held at arms length.
I hate living in the past.
I hate that I don't know how not to.
I hate not knowing.
I hate not sleeping.
I hate that I can't give up.
I hate that I still see the good in people that hurt me the worst.
I hate not being more vindictive.
I hate that I can't see myself the way my son does.
I hate being so optimistic.
I hate being so kind.
I hate it when I'm mean and hateful.
I hate that I can't be kinder to myself.
I hate that I've cried the entire time I wrote this.
I really hate the holidays.
and sometimes .. I hate that I love you.

I'm sorry.

Done...but not quite!

Presents are wrapped woooo! I did it while the leech was outside playing cause I'm sneaky like that. He's still contagious so he'll be staying home tonight and not joining me for service. Which makes me a little sad because Victoria won't be here either :( .

Sent Bob the email...everything's good. Tho I think I'm over thinking things again as usual lol. Thankfully he'll tell me so and everything will go back to normal. I blame the hormones....which btw, I'm on day 4 and no major side effects still! Very glad my face hasn't decided to break out again.

I did my core workout last night but skipped the Tai Chi...it was like after 4am when I finally got to the first part of my workout and I was exhausted. Sadly I couldn't fall asleep till almost 6:30 :/ . Gonna try and get to bed a little early tonight. Maybe make the leech some pancakes for breakfast tomorrow. Careful, the world might stop spinning if I do it lol!

Procrastination!!!!

I do this every year. I wait until Christmas Eve to wrap the presents...and then I end up staying up way too late which means I sleep longer and make the kids wait to wake me up lol. I'm so evil. Thankfully they understand and are happy with their stockings. Plus we compromise. They're not allowed to wake me up before 9am.

I'm exhausted. I haven't done my workout. I ate 5 chocolate covered cherries today. I'm sitting here listening to music and trolling some forums. I'm also hoping that the leech will feel better by xmas. Oh, right...he's got bronchitis. We were at the doctor's office today. 4 days of antibiotics and steroids. He's actually been quiet tonight. No coughing. I hope that means he's getting better. Poor thing has been coughing painfully for the last month. Maybe I'll make my stuffed mushrooms and oreo pie tomorrow to keep me busy. I won't be able to go to Rachel's house for xmas dinner but hopefully the leech'll be feeling better the day after and we can go then. I miss my extra kids!

So here's a thought. I was playing SWG today and made a new RP friend. The role play wandered the way it wanted and my character ended up on his character's ship for a little virtual sin-making. Not that I have a problem with that...but, well it's gotten me thinking. I've never been in any intimate RP situation with anyone but Bob the Bird, and well...I know Bob and I aren't together but..it seems weird to be doing something like that with someone else. Granted I don't go all out and into deep details with it. I'm pretty quick to fade to black when it seems like that's the path the RP will take. Still tho, it almost feels like I'm cheating on Bob, which is right silly I know.

At the same time...I don't want to limit my RP just because I feel like that. I have other characters that aren't tied intimately to any of Bob's and if I limit them in any way, then I feel like I might be missing out on something. There's just got to be a way to go about this without hurting any feelings or making anyone jealous/upset. Not that he would be...hell, I don't even know how he feels anymore. Maybe I should ask him...except that I don't want him to think we're having one of those conversations after all these years. I happen to enjoy our friendship and things get complicated and uncomfortable when you start dragging up old feelings and stuff.

On the other hand...I am on hormones right now so it's quite possible that I'm just over thinking all this and he'd tell me I was being silly. Maybe I'll send him an email since he's away on xmas vacation.

Then after that I'm gonna do my work out and go to bed. I promise!!! :D

*smiles*

Today has been a good day. I got some studying done. I worked on something I'm not supposed to talk about so pretend I just didn't say that. I spent some wonderful and surprising time with Bob the Bird. My son ate all his dinner. I finished the tray of baklava that I bought the other day so it can't tempt me anymore!

It's late and I should get some sleep...heck, I can't even type correctly right now lol :/

I just wanted to say that...well I know I'm terribly oblivious to everything and I'm sorry. I try not to be but it's so easy to get lost in my own little world. I have a few friends that I come out for but ... if I ask you if you're ok and you tell me yes ... please don't be mad when I believe you. I trust that you'll always be honest with me and that you'll tell me if you need me. Granted, I kinda fail sometimes at the whole noticing the obvious thing (see beginning of paragraph) but please be patient. I'm still trying to figure out who I am....and that requires stepping outside of my bubble. Which is not something that's easy for me to do.

I'm struggling to find my place in this world. I mean, I know I'm walking the correct path and I'm definitely enjoying the journey to whatever destination I may be headed towards but...well I'm trying to figure out what the scenery looks like and if I like it or not. It's kinda like someone who is one way their whole life only to find out they had a brain tumor. When it gets removed they don't think anything will change until they start back into their old habits like, eating fries with ketchup. That's when they realize, they don't really like ketchup on their fries, they like mustard.

I feel like I've gone through a significant portion of my life blind to who I am. Living and acting according to the way other people believed me to be and not even really realizing it. So this is me trying to figure 'me' out.

I've come to realize that I enjoy having a higher power that I recognize. I feel so much better now, being able to give him/her/it a name...the 'Cosmic Christ' if you will. I enjoy going to church and look forward to being able to be more active in it. I feel like I've missed out on so much by not having gone to church before. I also know that my friends who knew me before I started going to church are standing there scratching their heads and going "what in the world is she on?" But it's ok.

I'm a fish in the water, flowing with tides of life, struggling against the cross currents that try to get me off track. I know that the more currents that cross me, the stronger my muscles become from overcoming them, so that each subsequent current is just that much easier to swim through. One day I'll be doing flips over those currents before they even get close. Look ma'...no hands!