Only 5?

Been slacking for January. This is only my 5th post. Granted, I wasn't busy with school last month. I don't know what it is but I swear I feel so friggin' far behind already. Maybe it's because I don't have my books yet? I dunno.

I actually have a fair amount to say right now, but I'm so tired and I have to study for a physics exam tomorrow. I'll just try and put words here tomorrow...which means it'll be another week or so *sigh*. Sorry. I know you're disappointed.

Writings

I've been enjoying my vacation. Haven't really done much of anything except spend time online playing SWG and making new friends. Bob's been absent longer than normal this year but he finally came back online today and I got to talk to him. I worry about him. Sometimes he doesn't seem happy and it makes my heart hurt. I just want to make everything alright for him.

Victoria's been having issues with her dad. I swear I wish I could punch him for her. I want to hold her tightly and make her forget all about him and his empty promises. Also, she's been my hero for the last week or so now. My tire exploded last week when we were on the way to the library and I can't fix it till next week when I get back from vacation. She's been driving me around when I venture outside to go to the store. She had to go home yesterday though, her grandma's been really sick. I hope she's ok, her grandma is pretty neat.

Let's see...what else? I've been writing a lot on my other projects. I've been trying to do a lot there because I know once school starts up again I won't really have any time or energy to devote to them. Even though I'm not that great of a writer, I really do enjoy it.

I have a guilty pleasure...Simply Red and Rick Astley...and other musicness of that sort. I found Simply Red's YouTube channel and was listening to some of his stuff. Here's one of my favorites:



Anyway, it's late and my bum hurts...I'm gonna go to bed now I think. Gotta do laundry and finish cleaning the apartment tomorrow to get ready for my trip to see my little sister. I can't wait to see her :)

My feet are cold!

I don't know why but my feet stay frozen...from the ankle down. It's a terrible thing. Yes I have socks on and the rest of me is warm. Maybe I need a fuzzy dog to sit on my feet and keep them warm?

Posted a couple more entries on my other projects. I need to work on fixing the way those blogs look and add a bit more detail to them.

I have to say that I really hate it when people get pissy over nothing. Just two people having a fun and playful banter over a forum and someone has to butt in and toss their nasty at them. Well to you people I say, STFU and utilize your ignore button! You hurt a friend of mine and if I knew where you lived I'd send 9 plagues to your doorstep!

/endrant

I missed church today because of my insomnia. I hate that. I also have barely any energy to do anything throughout the day either. Today though, I did manage to read a book. Vampire Hunter D - book 1. I finished it and need to get book 2 from Victoria. I'm also going to start on the Wheel of Time series tonight.

I'm a little tired so I think I'm going to take my book and frozen feet to bed. Hopefully I'll get some decent sleep tonight.

Just because I can

This song randomly played today. I love Patti LaBelle. While looking for it on YouTube, I found the next song.




Can you believe I've never seen Les Miserables? First time I'd heard this song too. It's pretty.

It's 2010

Last year went really good. It started out good and it built up steamy goodness until the middle of November when my world just came crashing down around me when he said goodbye. From then on it's been a daily struggle to just make it through to the next day. I think I've managed it pretty well actually.

I'm sitting here, on the first day of the new year, with an odd calm around me. I just got done telling someone that he shouldn't settle for me just because he's lonely. How I feel about him is neither here nor there. I refuse to put my heart in the care of someone unless I'm certain that he's willing to take care of it .. and is ok with the baggage I'm bringing. Thanks to my ex, I now worry about my significant other being faithful and if I'll ever be enough for someone and lots of other random things that no man should have to deal with unless they are the cause of it. It's not fair to anyone.

So while I'm healing my heart and my soul I hope that eventually there is someone out there who wants me for who I am and will let me love them in the special way that I do. Wholly and without reservations. Someone who will help heal my trust issues with patience and understanding. Someone who actually deserves me.

One day...I'm hopeful. But for now, I'll just count my blessings, be thankful for my friends, and work on fixing myself.

<3

4am...yet again

So I'm going to try and sleep now. Tomorrow (today) is going to be nice. I get my godson for the night and Vic and I are going to just rent some movies and cook dinner and hang out at her house with the kids for NYE. Did I use too many 'ands'? Too bad. I should dig around in my cookbook and see if I can find something new to fix.

Going to see my sister for the first time in a couple of years in 14 days. I can't wait. Of course, classes start up again at the same time and I'm taking a 5 day weekend to go see her but oh well. I need to see my baby sister and my girls.

I really have nothing else to say right now. I'm thinking of creating another blog for my Star Wars characters. I post journal entries for them on a forum but I think it'd be fun to stick them in a real blog. Plus that way you can read all the exciting stuff that's going on in the game... lol.

Ok, I've deflected enough. I'm going to bed.

PS. today was pretty good...aside from my bowels deciding that I was going to be sick for a few hours.

Apathetic much?

Just so you know, the last post wasn't anything other than me needing to let go of some stuff. This time of year is always bad for me, and it has been for a long time. I lost my best friend almost 11 years ago and the sadness always starts the last couple of days of December. I try not to dwell. I try to distract myself with other things. I try to ignore how I feel...just for a few days. It never works. I always end up crying into my pillow for hours for no apparent reason. I know why...I just don't like to talk about it. But that's why we have the internet right?

Having this screen in front of me allows me to spill my deepest darkest secrets without fear or worry, because frankly...no one reads this but me anyway. I can be anyone I want to and you'll never know. Just don't get me alone in a room, I might disappoint you. Blah blah blah, boo hoo. Yes I know I'm getting all weepy. So what. Trouble is, it gets worse as I get older. My hot flashes are getting harder to deal with. I'm having some really difficult times sleeping (thankfully the only thing I have to get up for is church on sundays - not looking forward to classes starting again...I wonder if that will help me get back on my proper schedule?).

Maybe I shouldn't worry. Maybe I should just let everything be. There's some lyrics of a song that Bob sent me a long time ago. "Worrying is about as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum."



Here's the Yoda version of it...just cause I'm a nerd like that



I did go to bed by 9ish last night...and then woke up at 1:30am *sigh*. I ate a little, played some Star Wars, watched a comedy special with Robin Williams...he's not as funny as he used to be. It just seems like his humor has gone down the toilet...or maybe I'm not used to seeing him do stand up and he's always been like that? Not that I have any problem with toilet humor, he just doesn't do it well.

I'm supposed to go grocery shopping with Victoria tomorrow....I don't really see myself getting up at any kind of decent hour to do that actually. Thankfully I bought some micro meals for the leech to warm up so I don't have to cook. Which really is kinda sad because I pulled out some ground turkey the other day to make some tacos and I've really been looking forward to it.

I really need to work on the whole 'letting go' thing.

I hate

I hate being right all the time.
I hate being ignored.
I hate always being just friends.
I hate always being the strong one.
I hate being so god damned emotional.
I hate being so f'ing weak.
I hate being all alone in a crowded room.
I hate crying...really really really hate it.
I hate needing people.
I hate knowing I'm going to be alone the rest of my life.
I hate faking it.
I hate being vulnerable.
I hate not being able to give up.
I hate believing in love that's not meant for me.
I hate being patient.
I hate not being in control.
I hate not being needed.
I hate being selfish.
I hate not fitting in.
I hate being held at arms length.
I hate living in the past.
I hate that I don't know how not to.
I hate not knowing.
I hate not sleeping.
I hate that I can't give up.
I hate that I still see the good in people that hurt me the worst.
I hate not being more vindictive.
I hate that I can't see myself the way my son does.
I hate being so optimistic.
I hate being so kind.
I hate it when I'm mean and hateful.
I hate that I can't be kinder to myself.
I hate that I've cried the entire time I wrote this.
I really hate the holidays.
and sometimes .. I hate that I love you.

I'm sorry.

Merry Hogswatch

It's after 4:30am and I'm still not asleep. I told the leech he could wake me up at 10...ugh...on top of, I found one present that didn't get wrapped. I should do that quickly.

I heart this band...you should heart it too.

Done...but not quite!

Presents are wrapped woooo! I did it while the leech was outside playing cause I'm sneaky like that. He's still contagious so he'll be staying home tonight and not joining me for service. Which makes me a little sad because Victoria won't be here either :( .

Sent Bob the email...everything's good. Tho I think I'm over thinking things again as usual lol. Thankfully he'll tell me so and everything will go back to normal. I blame the hormones....which btw, I'm on day 4 and no major side effects still! Very glad my face hasn't decided to break out again.

I did my core workout last night but skipped the Tai Chi...it was like after 4am when I finally got to the first part of my workout and I was exhausted. Sadly I couldn't fall asleep till almost 6:30 :/ . Gonna try and get to bed a little early tonight. Maybe make the leech some pancakes for breakfast tomorrow. Careful, the world might stop spinning if I do it lol!

Procrastination!!!!

I do this every year. I wait until Christmas Eve to wrap the presents...and then I end up staying up way too late which means I sleep longer and make the kids wait to wake me up lol. I'm so evil. Thankfully they understand and are happy with their stockings. Plus we compromise. They're not allowed to wake me up before 9am.

I'm exhausted. I haven't done my workout. I ate 5 chocolate covered cherries today. I'm sitting here listening to music and trolling some forums. I'm also hoping that the leech will feel better by xmas. Oh, right...he's got bronchitis. We were at the doctor's office today. 4 days of antibiotics and steroids. He's actually been quiet tonight. No coughing. I hope that means he's getting better. Poor thing has been coughing painfully for the last month. Maybe I'll make my stuffed mushrooms and oreo pie tomorrow to keep me busy. I won't be able to go to Rachel's house for xmas dinner but hopefully the leech'll be feeling better the day after and we can go then. I miss my extra kids!

So here's a thought. I was playing SWG today and made a new RP friend. The role play wandered the way it wanted and my character ended up on his character's ship for a little virtual sin-making. Not that I have a problem with that...but, well it's gotten me thinking. I've never been in any intimate RP situation with anyone but Bob the Bird, and well...I know Bob and I aren't together but..it seems weird to be doing something like that with someone else. Granted I don't go all out and into deep details with it. I'm pretty quick to fade to black when it seems like that's the path the RP will take. Still tho, it almost feels like I'm cheating on Bob, which is right silly I know.

At the same time...I don't want to limit my RP just because I feel like that. I have other characters that aren't tied intimately to any of Bob's and if I limit them in any way, then I feel like I might be missing out on something. There's just got to be a way to go about this without hurting any feelings or making anyone jealous/upset. Not that he would be...hell, I don't even know how he feels anymore. Maybe I should ask him...except that I don't want him to think we're having one of those conversations after all these years. I happen to enjoy our friendship and things get complicated and uncomfortable when you start dragging up old feelings and stuff.

On the other hand...I am on hormones right now so it's quite possible that I'm just over thinking all this and he'd tell me I was being silly. Maybe I'll send him an email since he's away on xmas vacation.

Then after that I'm gonna do my work out and go to bed. I promise!!! :D

I've been in a writing mood lately. I wrote a couple of journal entries for a character I role play in Star Wars Galaxies. I think they came out pretty good. Now I'm here...not sure for what, nothing really exciting has happened.

I went to church tonight for solstice service. It was really nice and intimate as there was roughly only 20ish people there for the service. Poor Aidan slept through the entire thing - I gave him a dose of Nyquil earlier. I got a little teary during one of the songs...I blame the hormones tho.

Speaking of hormones. I started taking that hormone pack the doc put me on for my back. Today was the first day and I took 6 pills. It was kinda weird, I have to say. I didn't really notice any change in my personality. No mood swings or general crabbiness. I did send a friend request to a guy who I used to be friends with. We haven't been friends in almost a year but were actually talking nicely on a mutual friend's Facebook status. I'm not sure if we're done not being friends but I kinda hope so. He was a pretty decent guy and lord knows I can use all the friends I can get right now. Besides, life's too short to hold a grudge right? Or maybe I'm just being too kind hearted again. Who knows.

It's after 3am. I need to go do my core exercises and the Tai Chi. If I allow myself to not do it because of the late hour, I'll stop doing it and darnit I'm tired of not taking my health seriously.

I miss Victoria already :(

Lateness

I'm still alive. I know you were worried. It's ok, you can breathe now. I just needed to lock myself up and hide for a couple of days after finals. Grades weren't terrible but of course I could have done better.

Got a new exercise mat so I can start doing my core training again. It's nice and thick. My abs hate me but they'll get over it. Did my Tai Chi tonight. My arms and legs are shaky and sore and I'm exhausted so I'm going to bed cause it's after 1:30am. Let's see how long I can keep this up eh?

Got the Christmas shopping for the leech done last week while he was in school. I hate that I couldn't afford more :/ Oh well, he's getting a computer in January probably. Hummingbird is going to get a *********....if he can manage to stop getting suspended from school!

Side note: I had actually put what he was going to get instead of the ***** but then I realized, he might actually read this so I replaced it with the asterisks just in case.

I'm going to bed now. Love to all!

Shhhhhhh...

Finals are over. I've had 3 hours of sleep in the last 48 hours. I miss Victoria. I miss my son. I've bribed him with lots of food that is bad for you tonight because I have to sleep. Tomorrow, if I get up early enough I'm going to go Christmas shopping for him. I can't wait, but I hate being on a limited budget.

I may have to retake Calculus. That stupid final lowered my grade too much.

I'm going to bed now. G'night!

The day in-between

The physics final wasn't too bad...tho many penguins had to die....and there was a lot of penguin violence...and a blender. Don't ask.

Thankfully I won't have to retake the class. Yay for amply endowed and strategically shown cleavage in class. Oh no, I'm not above using my weapons of mass distraction to help my grade.

The calculus final was brutal. I had to leave at least 4 questions unanswered. The smart guys I studied with before the exam both looked at each other and mouthed "Oh f*k this test is hard!" *sigh*. I'm afraid that the final will lower my grade. I really don't want to have to retake any more classes.

After finals I came home and fed the kid, set the alarm and went to bed...it was 5:30pm. I slept till about 11 then got up and started a marathon of Greek. I don't really have much to say except that tomorrow/today will be spent finishing up my last final and turn it in weds. I am pretty hungry...but I'm too lazy to go fix something and don't have anything quick to stick in the microwave. I wish something was open so that I could order delivery. Hmm...biscuits sound really good right now.

So, yeah..I'm gonna go get some biscuits, and watch some more tv. Yay for being (almost) done!

Please don't tell my mother!

It's 2:30am, finals start in less than 6 hours, I'm not in bed yet and I haven't studied. She'd be terribly disappointed.

Thanks.

Where you are is just where you're supposed to be...I promise.

Today's sermon was special to me because John talked about helping others who had less than you. It's, of course, right in the holiday spirit..but it's not just about that one moment of the year. It's about taking care of each other throughout the entire year. I also think I've decided where I want to start my activism...now if only I can get John to tell me who I need to talk to about it lol.

I also found a new favorite singer, Susan Werner thanks to John. He's got a song of her's on his blog with today's sermon. Love it.

Other than that, what's been going on? I've been avoiding the unavoidable. Finals are tomorrow and what have I been doing all weekend? Everything but study *sigh*. I'm terrible about this. I'll just wait till tomorrow and cram it all in. That always works right? No...but I still haven't learned yet. Oh well, for better or worse, the majority of it will be over tomorrow. Then I just have to spend Tuesday finishing up my take-home. Oh, and I'm wearing my pj's to my final tomorrow at 8am ... ugh!

I really felt the need to write something...well...more, I guess. More inspirational. More deep. More thought provoking. But I'm failing at that as well. So I s'pose I'll go tweeze my other eyebrow, watch a show on Hulu, and hopefully get to sleep early enough that I can wake up around 6 and eat breakfast/cram a little before the final.

I do hope everyone's had a good weekend.

All I wanted

...was forever. Apparently that was too much to hope for.

I'd really appreciate it when these tears stop falling. It gets kinda difficult to carry on a conversation with a huge lump in my throat. Also, the sniffling from the teary nose isn't very attractive either.

I feel all hormonal and I haven't even started taking those pills yet *sigh*.

On the bright side, the sound is fixed and my mic works again.

Today's flubs.

So while trying to fix my sound input (ie, my mic) I ended up completely removing any type of sound from my laptop. There will be no sound coming in or out of it until I find someone who can fix it. *le sigh*

Almost left my credit card at Applebee's. Yay for the the youngest Brother of Awesome (whom I will train to take my place when I graduate). Also almost left my food there that was boxed up, also yay for the yBoA! He's pretty handy to have around.

Today's topic was "Are you in touch with your inner hooker?!" and whether or not to host another adult movie night over the break. More on that tomorrow. I'm tired now.

An act of faith in the infinity of Godhead.

There are many paths, and mine is but one.
I will follow it as best I can.
I will not say that I am right and others wrong,
Only that I will try to do what is right for me.
The light of the sun falls on the whole Earth;
It does not shine exclusively for my benefit.
If I can see it from where I stand,
So others can see it from where they are.
But, if there are others who wish to walk beside me,
I will help them if they ask.
If there are others who do not see a way,
I will offer mine.
If my path is theirs, I will rejoice...
But if it is not, I will not sorrow.
For the Universe is infinite.

-I've had this reading for a very long time. I didn't write this, but sadly I can't find out who did.-