I'm saying goodbye...

..to myself. my insecurities. my life. my pain. my heartaches. the gallons of saran wrap i've covered up in all these years. the walls and barbed wire around my heart. the chains holding my soul down. the disease i've become that flows through my veins. drips poison from my lips. causes my eyes to see the evil i've created around me. causes my ears to hear the hate that isn't there.

my demon is inside of me. rolling around in my intestines. smoking crack in my head. playing strip poker with my heart (stripping it bare time and time again - the deck is stacked against it). lighting a carbon filled fire in my lungs. growing stronger over the years. festering like an infected boil, oozing puke green puss down my body, emitting a stench so foul flowers die around me for miles.

living in the past. living for the future. never worrying about right now. this moment. focusing on the negative. letting go of the positive. clinging onto people and things i know are bad for me. not feeling like i deserve any better. feeling small. insignificant. a helpless viewer to my own life. uncomfortable in my own skin. wanting to scream.

"THIS ISN'T ME! Somebody please understand...."

banging my head hopelessly against a brick wall. not seeing when someone looks at me. remembering things the way i want to. not the way they really are. lying to myself. childlike hope that no one will see past the lie. knowing they do. making my world smaller and smaller. pushing people out before they even try to get in.

it's time to exorcise that demon. to say goodbye. to refuse to be that girl anymore. time to love myself again. not like i used to. i don't want to be her. to steal her life. i want to be me. boils and all. to let go of the "what if's" and the "if onlys". worry more about this second in my life. not care if i get hurt again. knowing it's worth it to experience love (if even for the briefest of moments). to return that stranger's smile with my own.

time to let go of the control i had. i lived it. breathed it. needed it to survive. to know there are some things i can't control. to be ok with it finally. to breathe easier. reinvent who i am.

gently take her in my arms and welcome her home. it's ok to cry. to be hurt. to be lonely. to laugh. to love. to be me. take her hand and guide her into the light. i don't need to hide anymore. to forgive - without question. to be scared. to live my own life. for me. to stumble. to fall. to make mistakes. to say i'm sorry. to let go of the anger. to ask for help.

to make the journey. to get past the pain. one foot in front of the other. surrounded by friends. family. strangers. light. love. happiness. reality (but who's? - and do i wear my glasses for it?).

i will be me. with all that entails. i will speak my mind. i will not let my heart be a doormat. i will love without restriction. i will cry without worry. i will laugh at myself (will you laugh with me?). i will love myself as much as my children love me. as much as i deserve. and know i deserve it.

i will make more time for my kids. friends. myself. i will be the goddess i was ment to be. we were all ment to be. will you join me?