Tired...

yet another 24 hours with no sleep....and I'm tired....tired of the bullshit...

my insecurities are my own. don't ask me to share them with you. they are my secret and you won't get close enough to find them. i might throw you a bone or two, but the real ones...well those are tightly kept hidden away, wrapped up in long forgotten memories that still make me shed tears of happiness, covered by miles of pain that i have endured - all in the name of love (or was it lust? you tell me), and sealed with layer upon layer of the sadness that no matter how hard i try to run away from keeps scooping me up in it's arms to squeeze what little joy i may have found out of my ears.

dont tell me to be real. i am. pinch me and i'll give you a bloody nose. cut me to see me bleed and i'll run over your dog and then drip my blood over it, singing merrily off key as the two become one. hurt me and i'll stab you in the heart, laughing cruelly as i twist it and shove it deeper by telling you i hate you, everything i told you was a lie, you make me want to vomit when you touch me, that the thought of smelling your sweat covered sex makes me want to claw my skin off. can you handle the truth?

my padded room is covered in barbed wire. the restraining jacket i wear is on backwards - who taught you all this? i bleed from my eyes and ears when your voice grates painfully through the thick air to greet me. i hear colors, taste music, feel words but you are a void. you suck the life from me. give me your pain, i can take it. i can make you feel better. i dont want to but i will. that's what i do. i make you feel good about yourself. i lie to make you happy. every lie drains me more and more. but i do it for you. and now im done.

you will not touch me with your creepy fingers. skin that is dead. lips that drip falseness. heart that is stone covered with plastic love. dont play the game with me. you wont win. i'm better at this then you are. i'm the master of disguise. i change with every mood, shadow, song, touch, kiss, pain, scab, food. i show you what you want to see. you're so shallow you'll never see past it either.

and You...yes you...no, not him up there....you. you think you know me? you're right. you know my pain. my fears. my insecurities. my truth. my love. you hold me back with your logic and intellect. feed me crumbs of compassion and hope only to rip it away as soon as i press them to my mouth. you laugh at the pain you cause me. you make me need you. you tear me down to my shell, pull my insides out, put them on display. you stare blankly at me when i come crawling to you with my heart on a platter for you to devour. you destroy my illussions of myself, life, love, hope, dreams. you bare my soul. i feel raw. naked. you enjoy it. so do i.

you make me show you things about me no one knows. you see what i refuse to show you. i dont scare you. i try to leave you. to run away screaming. you're no good for me. you're a drug. the pain you cause me. the agony i go through every night. you're my disease. you're not impressed with my walls. you crush them with one word. you laugh at my futile attempts to hide.

i need you. need to touch you. need your approval. need your lips on my skin. i can't leave you. i've tried. i keep running back. i need you to rip apart my fantasies. to shove reality down my throat. i need you to want me. to look at me without disgust. i need to crawl over miles of broken glass on my knees to get to you. to hear you laugh at me. to hear you say you can't live without me. to miss me. to break me down violently so i can rebuild myself. i need to hate you.