I am not:
- responsible for your failure to communicate
- your doormat
- perfect
- able to let you go yet
- allowing you to walk all over my heart anymore
- letting myself make excuses for the way you treat me
- going to let my skin crawl when I think of you with her
- going to hate myself for being something I'm not
- going to believe that while you weren't good enough for me, I'm not good enough for anyone else
- going to lie to myself anymore
- going to make excuses for your inability to help me let go
- going to depend on you for support anymore, I can do it without you
- going to believe your promises...they've lost value with me now
- going to hate you...I'm a bigger person than that
- going to adjust my life or my schedule around you anymore
- going to stop being me
I am:
- beautiful
- a good person
- wonderful
- deserving of love
- willing to let other people in even after you trampled over my heart
- strong enough to live without you
- surrounded by magnificent friends who took the time to really get to know me and still love me anyway.
- ok with still hurting from you leaving me
- going to heal and be stronger because of it
- thankful for the time we had together
- sorry you never knew me
- forgiving you
- still crying myself to sleep sometimes
- learning to let go
- going to stop dwelling on the 'what ifs'
- going to give you your time to heal
- going to always be there for you...but on my own terms this time
- making new friends
- perfectly ok with where I'm at now
Boredom
......
It's thanksgiving. Victoria is at her apartment with her mom. We spent the day with Rachel. I took Christopher, Jasmyn and Jaxxon home with me. I think I'm crazy. I hope the baby sleeps through the night. I'm supposed to go see G tomorrow. Hope he makes it home in time lol.
I don't really have anything else to say right now. I should put the kids to bed and read for awhile before bed.
.......
It's thanksgiving. Victoria is at her apartment with her mom. We spent the day with Rachel. I took Christopher, Jasmyn and Jaxxon home with me. I think I'm crazy. I hope the baby sleeps through the night. I'm supposed to go see G tomorrow. Hope he makes it home in time lol.
I don't really have anything else to say right now. I should put the kids to bed and read for awhile before bed.
.......
Eat my hands.
I've been having the urge to write lately but I'm not exactly sure what to write about. When I've tried to put pencil to paper and make words, it doesn't end well *sigh*.
It's barely after 6pm and I'm exhausted. I have the need to reach out to old friends for laughter and witty banter, but there's no one around. I have homework I should be working on but I feel the need to curl up on the couch and read. Ugh....I don't really feel restless, I just feel like I should be doing something else...but I don't have the energy to even try.
I have the need to have someone to curl up with....but that's one need that will go unsatiated.
It's barely after 6pm and I'm exhausted. I have the need to reach out to old friends for laughter and witty banter, but there's no one around. I have homework I should be working on but I feel the need to curl up on the couch and read. Ugh....I don't really feel restless, I just feel like I should be doing something else...but I don't have the energy to even try.
I have the need to have someone to curl up with....but that's one need that will go unsatiated.
Mothers
My mom asked how I was today. She said she was sorry. I almost cried. So much for thinking I was doing ok.
New Moon
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bad acting,
moving on
I went to see the movie tonight with Victoria. We got there about an hour early and they had us line up for the theater 30 minutes before the showtime...and then they were 30 minutes late showing it!
All in all, it was a fairly good movie. There were funny parts and the amount of man-hips were just overwhelming. I think I was drooling most of the time. Not at Edward or Jacob....but their hips. Gah, I have a severe obsession with hips....and I miss you.
It was kinda hard to watch the movie tonight. Little things made me think of you. That Jacob is a furnace for Bella...I miss how you made me sweat. When Edward broke it off with her and she refuses to believe that he doesn't want to be with her. After he left, how she says that she felt like their was a hole in her chest. How she tried to do things she knew he wouldn't approve of, just to hear his voice in her head telling her to stop. Then in the end, when he tells her that he can't exist in a world without her. My eyes got a little wet and my throat closed up a bit.
But we're not Edward and Bella are we? We're not some fairy tale dream. You don't want me anymore and I'm learning to live with that. I feel like her in a way....spending all my time with other people trying to fill the hole in my heart...and it works, for the most part. I'm able to convince myself that I'm better than I really am. But then there are moments like this. When I see what we had reflected in other people. And then realize that the difference between us and them is that they'll have their fairy tale ending.
I'm overly emotional right now because I'm exhausted...please forgive me. I really am doing okay...but I still have my moments, and they kinda sneak up on me. I really wanted to get up and leave in the middle of the movie but I couldn't. I love the story so much. The struggle and the love. The hope and the despair. This was one of those moments. I'll go to sleep soon and will want to cry but the tears won't come. Eventually I'll fall asleep and tomorrow will be a new day, full of hope and beginnings.
I've decided that I'm going to put my passport to use. I'm spending a week in March with my very dear friend Robert in Denmark. I'm going to sleep in his spare bed and spend hours talking and flirting and laughing and eating and dancing and snuggling on the couch watching terrible movies together. He's going into the Army soon and I'm afraid that if something ever happened to him I'll feel terrible that I never got to hug him. 5 years we've been friends. He's helped me through so much and we've been through so much together....and yet no matter what, I always go back to him. I treasure him so much.
I've also made a new friend who lives about an hour away. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about him yet. We talk every day, emails and texts. He makes me laugh with his words and his mannerisms. He knows about you and how I'm healing and he's ok with that. He respects my space and my need to step back and move slowly. Regardless of any attraction he and I may or may not have towards each other, he's already proven to me that he will be a wonderful friend and I'm going to talk to him about spending the day together soon. Maybe next weekend. I'll let him take me to a bookstore and we'll sit in the coffee shop and discuss our favorite authors and art and the meaning of life and then I'll let him take me to dinner for more wonderful conversation and afterwords I may let him take me to his studio and let me see his artwork. Or I may just meet him for coffee, have a couple of laughs but be extremely uncomfortable, call it an early night and go home. Either way is fine by me.
I think Victoria and I are going to get an apartment together. We're going to go looking over the next couple of weeks/months and try to get into something next summer. It would be nice to have a roommate I think. Especially her. She and I work really well together...altho, I feel extremely guilty for leaving her on spring break to go visit Robert...but she pretty much told me I had to lol.
Anyway, I think it's just about bedtime. You haven't written me in a couple of days and I'm not really sure what to think about that. You have no obligation to contact me every day and I'm sure you probably don't want to. I'm sure that you stay away from the computer as much as possible trying to do everything you can to forget I exist....to make it easier for you to move on with your life. I can't blame you. I try not to think about you. It still kinda hurts. When I'm not looking and my guard is down, I can feel that missing piece of my heart that you still have.
I hope she makes you happy. Truly and honestly happy. You do deserve it. I hope that one day you love her more than you loved me.
Meh, I'm getting all sappy and shit...yeah, it's time for bed.
I love you.
I love us.
I love me.
All in all, it was a fairly good movie. There were funny parts and the amount of man-hips were just overwhelming. I think I was drooling most of the time. Not at Edward or Jacob....but their hips. Gah, I have a severe obsession with hips....and I miss you.
It was kinda hard to watch the movie tonight. Little things made me think of you. That Jacob is a furnace for Bella...I miss how you made me sweat. When Edward broke it off with her and she refuses to believe that he doesn't want to be with her. After he left, how she says that she felt like their was a hole in her chest. How she tried to do things she knew he wouldn't approve of, just to hear his voice in her head telling her to stop. Then in the end, when he tells her that he can't exist in a world without her. My eyes got a little wet and my throat closed up a bit.
But we're not Edward and Bella are we? We're not some fairy tale dream. You don't want me anymore and I'm learning to live with that. I feel like her in a way....spending all my time with other people trying to fill the hole in my heart...and it works, for the most part. I'm able to convince myself that I'm better than I really am. But then there are moments like this. When I see what we had reflected in other people. And then realize that the difference between us and them is that they'll have their fairy tale ending.
I'm overly emotional right now because I'm exhausted...please forgive me. I really am doing okay...but I still have my moments, and they kinda sneak up on me. I really wanted to get up and leave in the middle of the movie but I couldn't. I love the story so much. The struggle and the love. The hope and the despair. This was one of those moments. I'll go to sleep soon and will want to cry but the tears won't come. Eventually I'll fall asleep and tomorrow will be a new day, full of hope and beginnings.
I've decided that I'm going to put my passport to use. I'm spending a week in March with my very dear friend Robert in Denmark. I'm going to sleep in his spare bed and spend hours talking and flirting and laughing and eating and dancing and snuggling on the couch watching terrible movies together. He's going into the Army soon and I'm afraid that if something ever happened to him I'll feel terrible that I never got to hug him. 5 years we've been friends. He's helped me through so much and we've been through so much together....and yet no matter what, I always go back to him. I treasure him so much.
I've also made a new friend who lives about an hour away. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about him yet. We talk every day, emails and texts. He makes me laugh with his words and his mannerisms. He knows about you and how I'm healing and he's ok with that. He respects my space and my need to step back and move slowly. Regardless of any attraction he and I may or may not have towards each other, he's already proven to me that he will be a wonderful friend and I'm going to talk to him about spending the day together soon. Maybe next weekend. I'll let him take me to a bookstore and we'll sit in the coffee shop and discuss our favorite authors and art and the meaning of life and then I'll let him take me to dinner for more wonderful conversation and afterwords I may let him take me to his studio and let me see his artwork. Or I may just meet him for coffee, have a couple of laughs but be extremely uncomfortable, call it an early night and go home. Either way is fine by me.
I think Victoria and I are going to get an apartment together. We're going to go looking over the next couple of weeks/months and try to get into something next summer. It would be nice to have a roommate I think. Especially her. She and I work really well together...altho, I feel extremely guilty for leaving her on spring break to go visit Robert...but she pretty much told me I had to lol.
Anyway, I think it's just about bedtime. You haven't written me in a couple of days and I'm not really sure what to think about that. You have no obligation to contact me every day and I'm sure you probably don't want to. I'm sure that you stay away from the computer as much as possible trying to do everything you can to forget I exist....to make it easier for you to move on with your life. I can't blame you. I try not to think about you. It still kinda hurts. When I'm not looking and my guard is down, I can feel that missing piece of my heart that you still have.
I hope she makes you happy. Truly and honestly happy. You do deserve it. I hope that one day you love her more than you loved me.
Meh, I'm getting all sappy and shit...yeah, it's time for bed.
I love you.
I love us.
I love me.
Moving on.
| Thursday, November 19, 2009 |
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learning to live again,
moving on,
redefining life,
Tao
Today marks a week since he said goodbye...and yet I feel oddly at peace. I've met new friends, a couple that are just amazing and have so much love to share that they are willing to bring another person into their relationship...a minister who gives sermons at a progressive church and is open minded enough to believe that hey, I'm not necessarily going to hell just because I don't believe that the Christian God is the almighty....and a man from a social networking/dating site that gives amazing conversation and respects the fact that I am only recently single and healing and not looking for any type of relationship other than friends...not once has he been anything but fun and friendly and yet, I know he's happy to wait to see if we have chemistry until and if I'm ever ready for that.
I've picked up my copy of the Tao again. Here's a piece from chapter 29:
Sometimes you lead
Sometimes you follow
Sometimes you are stifled
Sometimes you breathe easy
Sometimes you are strong
Sometimes you are weak
Sometimes you destroy
And sometimes you are destroyed.
This really speaks to me right now. I love him deeply. I always will. I hope that he doesn't beat himself up over his decision. He did what he thought was best for him and how can I fault that? I just need to take this experience and see what kind of person I become when I emerge fully from it. I'm cautiously excited.
My counselor tells me I should look into meditation to help me get over my control issues. I always have to know what's going on. I have a hard time being ok when I can't see the big picture. I've been feeling complacent and lost a bit myself lately...like I'm wandering around in nothingness but that if I can just go a little bit further in I can get past the nothingness and see what's really there, except there's a tether that's keeping me from going any further. It feels almost like a safety net and yet I also feel a little aggravated by it. Slowly I'm going to figure this out. Right now I'm just living in the here and now. Wishing and praying that my loved ones find happiness and serenity in their lives.
I'm able to listen to music without thinking of him and crying. This is a big step for me...oh how I've missed my music.
Thoughts are jumbled but they flow as they're meant to.
I've picked up my copy of the Tao again. Here's a piece from chapter 29:
Sometimes you lead
Sometimes you follow
Sometimes you are stifled
Sometimes you breathe easy
Sometimes you are strong
Sometimes you are weak
Sometimes you destroy
And sometimes you are destroyed.
This really speaks to me right now. I love him deeply. I always will. I hope that he doesn't beat himself up over his decision. He did what he thought was best for him and how can I fault that? I just need to take this experience and see what kind of person I become when I emerge fully from it. I'm cautiously excited.
My counselor tells me I should look into meditation to help me get over my control issues. I always have to know what's going on. I have a hard time being ok when I can't see the big picture. I've been feeling complacent and lost a bit myself lately...like I'm wandering around in nothingness but that if I can just go a little bit further in I can get past the nothingness and see what's really there, except there's a tether that's keeping me from going any further. It feels almost like a safety net and yet I also feel a little aggravated by it. Slowly I'm going to figure this out. Right now I'm just living in the here and now. Wishing and praying that my loved ones find happiness and serenity in their lives.
I'm able to listen to music without thinking of him and crying. This is a big step for me...oh how I've missed my music.
Thoughts are jumbled but they flow as they're meant to.
Fresh?
I need a change, but I still need to blog.
Maybe I'll change this one around and make it useful again.
I'm healing.
Maybe I'll change this one around and make it useful again.
I'm healing.
