New Moon

I went to see the movie tonight with Victoria. We got there about an hour early and they had us line up for the theater 30 minutes before the showtime...and then they were 30 minutes late showing it!

All in all, it was a fairly good movie. There were funny parts and the amount of man-hips were just overwhelming. I think I was drooling most of the time. Not at Edward or Jacob....but their hips. Gah, I have a severe obsession with hips....and I miss you.

It was kinda hard to watch the movie tonight. Little things made me think of you. That Jacob is a furnace for Bella...I miss how you made me sweat. When Edward broke it off with her and she refuses to believe that he doesn't want to be with her. After he left, how she says that she felt like their was a hole in her chest. How she tried to do things she knew he wouldn't approve of, just to hear his voice in her head telling her to stop. Then in the end, when he tells her that he can't exist in a world without her. My eyes got a little wet and my throat closed up a bit.

But we're not Edward and Bella are we? We're not some fairy tale dream. You don't want me anymore and I'm learning to live with that. I feel like her in a way....spending all my time with other people trying to fill the hole in my heart...and it works, for the most part. I'm able to convince myself that I'm better than I really am. But then there are moments like this. When I see what we had reflected in other people. And then realize that the difference between us and them is that they'll have their fairy tale ending.

I'm overly emotional right now because I'm exhausted...please forgive me. I really am doing okay...but I still have my moments, and they kinda sneak up on me. I really wanted to get up and leave in the middle of the movie but I couldn't. I love the story so much. The struggle and the love. The hope and the despair. This was one of those moments. I'll go to sleep soon and will want to cry but the tears won't come. Eventually I'll fall asleep and tomorrow will be a new day, full of hope and beginnings.

I've decided that I'm going to put my passport to use. I'm spending a week in March with my very dear friend Robert in Denmark. I'm going to sleep in his spare bed and spend hours talking and flirting and laughing and eating and dancing and snuggling on the couch watching terrible movies together. He's going into the Army soon and I'm afraid that if something ever happened to him I'll feel terrible that I never got to hug him. 5 years we've been friends. He's helped me through so much and we've been through so much together....and yet no matter what, I always go back to him. I treasure him so much.

I've also made a new friend who lives about an hour away. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about him yet. We talk every day, emails and texts. He makes me laugh with his words and his mannerisms. He knows about you and how I'm healing and he's ok with that. He respects my space and my need to step back and move slowly. Regardless of any attraction he and I may or may not have towards each other, he's already proven to me that he will be a wonderful friend and I'm going to talk to him about spending the day together soon. Maybe next weekend. I'll let him take me to a bookstore and we'll sit in the coffee shop and discuss our favorite authors and art and the meaning of life and then I'll let him take me to dinner for more wonderful conversation and afterwords I may let him take me to his studio and let me see his artwork. Or I may just meet him for coffee, have a couple of laughs but be extremely uncomfortable, call it an early night and go home. Either way is fine by me.

I think Victoria and I are going to get an apartment together. We're going to go looking over the next couple of weeks/months and try to get into something next summer. It would be nice to have a roommate I think. Especially her. She and I work really well together...altho, I feel extremely guilty for leaving her on spring break to go visit Robert...but she pretty much told me I had to lol.

Anyway, I think it's just about bedtime. You haven't written me in a couple of days and I'm not really sure what to think about that. You have no obligation to contact me every day and I'm sure you probably don't want to. I'm sure that you stay away from the computer as much as possible trying to do everything you can to forget I exist....to make it easier for you to move on with your life. I can't blame you. I try not to think about you. It still kinda hurts. When I'm not looking and my guard is down, I can feel that missing piece of my heart that you still have.

I hope she makes you happy. Truly and honestly happy. You do deserve it. I hope that one day you love her more than you loved me.

Meh, I'm getting all sappy and shit...yeah, it's time for bed.

I love you.
I love us.
I love me.