Snow day!!

I got to sleep in till 11!!!! :D

After that, Victoria called me and said she wanted to go to Fun Expedition so I got up and showered and we went. It was fun. She and I ganged up on the leech in laser tag. LOL, she was sweating when we were done. Then we grabbed some food and she took me to my physical therapy appointment.

I just got sidetracked...lol. I'm supposed to be working on a project for numerical linear algebra, but decided I wanted to blog instead...and then got caught up on YouTube. I pretty much fail lol.

I forgot whatever I wanted to say. Except that now I'm feeling kinda bleh from the sappy love songs. This one cheered me up tho.

A note from our sponser

So, as I was writing the last post, the university decided to cancel classes for tomorrow.

I'm pretty excited. I think I'll invite people over for dinner...oh, and I'm definitely going to sleep in!

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programing!

PS. New books of the bible: Genesis, Exorcist, Leviathan, and Doooo the Right Thing!

Delicioso!

Today felt like a weekend!

Snow snow everywhere. Blah! The leech's school was canceled, mine wasn't. So I set him up on WoW and braved the weather. Mind you, I was dressed up because our fraternity was pinning our initiates this evening. I got to my first class and while I was there I got an alert on my phone that the university canceled the classes for the rest of the day.

I came home and drove out to the store to pick up some supplies. Remember, I'm trying this whole new vegetarian thing. After grocery shopping I worked on some homework and realized that I could actually take a nap...so I did. It was a beautiful thing. Except that when I woke up, my hip started hurting and it was below zero in my room because I'd forgot to turn up my heater before I laid down lol.

Got up around 6 and went to fix dinner. It was an experience to say the least. Let me warn you, I'm not domestic at all. I'm only in the kitchen long enough to warm something up in the microwave usually. Tonight I actually had to mash avocados and peel the skin off of tomatoes and use 3 herbs! It was a lot of fun actually. And oh my goodness, it turned out delicious! Oh, right...I made bean nachos. I also forgot to take a picture of it for you. I'm sorry. I need to find some .. brioche (I think that's the name of the bread) so I can make this mushroom thing I want to try.

Now here's the pisser of the night. I fixed this gorgeous dinner and the leech freaked out and gagged when he saw it. He said it was from the smell. It smelled like limes to me. I'm not physical with my children at all but I really had to restrain myself from smacking him. I hate it immensely when children are disrespectful...especially mine.

I told him to try it. After all, I'd even bought our favorite (and expensive) organic root beer to drink with it! He took a nibble of a corn chip that didn't have anything on it, and proclaimed that it was nasty. Again, I had to restrain myself. I gave him ample opportunity to eat but he sat there crying crocodile tears until I took the food and his root beer away and told him to just go to bed then.

I have tons leftover for tomorrow. This makes me happy :) Oh, and I also had a root beer float for dessert!

So now, I'm going to tuck him in and then work on some homework before bed. Oh, and I know you were wondering about the history I had to write for Dr. B. I finished it last night and sent it off to him. Now I just need to work with Dr. A on my letter of intent. Hopefully I can get that done this weekend and have everything ready to send off on Monday!

I hope you're enjoying this lazy day as much as I am! :)

Urrrgh!!!

So I've done what I can with my homework for now and decided to work on the paperwork for the summer internship applications. Dr. B wants a brief history of my life so he can write me a letter of recommendation. He gave me a list of things he wants me to send to him so he can get to know me better to write me a glowing recommendation.

No big deal right? Pfft. Says you maybe. I can't remember what I've done!!! I'm having a minor meltdown here. I guess I'll just do what I can and get it to him tonight. Then maybe tomorrow he can tell me if I left anything out.

The deadline is getting closer and I still have to write my letter of intent. *sigh* I've never done this before. I'm worried that as hard as I'm working just to get this application done, something will happen and I won't be able to go...or worse yet, I won't even get accepted.

Back to work!!!!

Just another Tuesday

Today wasn't too bad I think. Had my first Physics exam and I think I did pretty good on it actually. Which basically means I'm sure I didn't fail it lol. Although, the last problem I'm sure I totally screwed up. I just kinda blanked out and forgot how to do it.

I ate lunch with friends, even though I supposed to be using that time to work on homework due this week. Then I went to my physical therapy. The therapist seems to support the doctor's conclusion that it's a severe muscle spasm so that's a good thing. I got a 15 minute electrical massage with heat and then he showed me 3 stretches he wants me to do twice a day. I go back on Thursday. Oh, and the spasm is so low that he got to feel up my butt while putting the electrodes on and taking them off lol.

Then I went and did some homework while waiting on 4pm for the math club meeting. At 5 til I went to find out what room it was in, only to find out that it's next week not today. So I went home.

Now I'm just relaxing and getting ready to fix dinner before I finish up on my homework. I really need to work on the applications for the internship....and get that information to Dr. B so he can write my recommendation.

I wonder if I'll get a chance to read for a bit before bed tonight?

I wonder

I should be studying for my Differential Equations quiz in 2 hours. I will...I just need to get this out.

This morning as I was leaving for class I looked down at my task bar and saw that Eric had logged out of Yahoo. My heart momentarily stopped and I was filled with conflicting emotions. First of all, that I had logged onto Yahoo and not noticed he was on is a huge deal. I can remember the days when that was the first thing I looked for and how disappointed I would be if he wasn't there. Secondly, I was a little upset and hurt that he saw me log on but didn't say anything.

So I spent the whole day with him on my mind. Not something I wanted to do, I promise. A part of me wanted to rush home and wait and see if he'd log back on like I used to do. The new me recognized these feelings and let them go. I'm not waiting around for anyone anymore. Especially someone who has made it very clear that they don't want to be with me.

This is me living my life and not desperately chasing after someone who may or may not want to talk to me. If you want me, you've got to come get me damnit.

Now I'm off to study.

Again!?

Yes, there's a change. I like it better. Too bad if you don't >.>

Dinner time...yes I'm making broth. I really want more pasta. Ooooh, I can finish my salad from lunch!!!

*bites nails* Almost Superbowl time!!!

no, I didn't get any studying done... shut up ^.^

The Beginning

So how am I doing on day one? Miserable lol. I had a couple pieces of fruit for breakfast and realized I wouldn't make it through church with that little bit on my stomach so I ate some egg substitute. After church Victoria said she wanted to go out to eat and I agreed (I succumb easily to peer pressure...). We ate at Fatz. I had some pasta with chicken. I didn't eat it all but the leftovers are in the fridge for later.

The only good thing about today is that I did manage to write down everything I've eaten in my new little journal. I'll spare you the details. The rest of the day will be broth. I promise! I also updated the sidebar so that's good too right?

I got my hair permed yesterday...I love it. I can't wait till I can wash it on Tuesday because then I'll be able to start doing pretty things with it. I've missed my hair accessories so much!

Anywho, I need to get some studying done before the superbowl tonight. Go Saints!

Who Dat?!

The Journey

So here's something new. I'm going to purge my body of all the junk. The idea is sound, but I doubt I have the willpower.

Here's the plan. Sunday through Tuesday I'll eat broth and extremely light soups (if I get too weak) and then Wednesday through Saturday I'll reintroduce food into my system by way of vegetarianism. I've bought cookbooks. I've bought a small journal to keep with me so that I can record my thoughts/feelings and weight through all of this. I'm making plans to blog about it (notice the new section on the right here titled "The Journey").

The problem? I'm famous for great ideas that I never follow through on. Plus, I love love love eating food that's bad for me. I live outside my body. When I pass a mirror and see myself, it shocks me because that's not who I picture myself to be. It's not just the weight, it's other things like my facial structure and how I smile. I don't think I'm ugly or look bad...it's just a shock to see myself through someone else's eyes.

Maybe I can start being healthy now? I'm starting this Sunday. During our meditation time at church, I'm going to pray about it. Try and get a clearer picture of how this will work. I feel like there's a big change for me just over the horizon, I just need a push.

Anyway, I know there's only 2 people who read this, but it's always good to get a plan of action down and have someone holding you accountable ... right?

Guess What?!

Chicken butt haha!!

Ok, seriously though. I was pretty productive today. Rescheduled an appointment with my new landlord, added the new class, went to the doctor, ran to the store, had lunch with Victoria, went to the leech's basketball game, oh...and got a job interview with the government. Granted it's only a temporary job with the Census but I'll take it. I think it'll fit in nicely with my statistics hopes. Go me! :D

The doctor appointment went ... horrible I think. He gave me another round of anti-inflammatories and told me to do physical therapy 4 days a week for 4 weeks. He still insists it's just a pulled muscle. If this doesn't work, I'm going to eat him.

I've got a head cold that just won't go away either and I feel like I could sleep for a week. Ugh!!

Nerves

I'm sitting here and it's almost 8pm on a Monday. A lot's happened to me I guess.

My back has been killing me. I think I mentioned about 3 months ago that I finally went in to get it checked out? 3 months that included muscle relaxers, a hormone, and anti-inflammatories later...and my back still feels the same way. I'm worried about Scolosis. I'm worried about a lot of other things too. I'm going in tomorrow morning to see the doctor again and this time I'm not going to let them put me on any medication without running tests so I know what's wrong. I'm a little nervous because as outspoken as I am...I usually just smile and nod while at the doctor. I don't know why...I just do.

I'm thinking about my undergraduate research that I have to do next semester. Finally realized that I want to get my master's in statistics so I need some undergrad stuff that flows into a master's thesis. Had a nice talk with Dr. A today and he wants me to add one of his classes - yes I know it's a month into the semester already. Yes I know I already have 14 credit hours not counting the Graph Theory class that I'm sitting in on without getting a grade.

I've been assured that this class will prepare me to do research with him next semester. Also, we only meet for 4 weeks and it should be a fairly easy A. Lord knows I can use as many of those as I can get. So I go tomorrow to submit a late add form for this class.

Dr. A's also informed me that I need to do an internship this summer in biostatistics. I have to say it sounds positively amazing and I would love to be able to do something like this. There's just a few things I'm worried about. They want a copy of my transcript...I've got a few grades that aren't so hot. Granted I've retaken all of my math classes that I needed to and significantly raised those grades (from an F to a B+) but it still makes me nervous. I also need 2 letters of recommendation. I know Dr. B will give me one, but I don't know any other teacher well enough to ask. Maybe I'll ask Dr. F if he'd mind. I know he likes me.

Also, I have to make sure I don't lose my campus housing while I'm gone and I need to find somewhere to stick my son for 6-7 weeks.

If all of the above work out, I could either be in Boston, Atlanta, S. Florida, Pittsburgh, Washington, or North Carolina. I'm really cautiously excited about this.

I need to finish my statistics homework now and put the leech to bed. G'night all.

Only 5?

Been slacking for January. This is only my 5th post. Granted, I wasn't busy with school last month. I don't know what it is but I swear I feel so friggin' far behind already. Maybe it's because I don't have my books yet? I dunno.

I actually have a fair amount to say right now, but I'm so tired and I have to study for a physics exam tomorrow. I'll just try and put words here tomorrow...which means it'll be another week or so *sigh*. Sorry. I know you're disappointed.

Writings

I've been enjoying my vacation. Haven't really done much of anything except spend time online playing SWG and making new friends. Bob's been absent longer than normal this year but he finally came back online today and I got to talk to him. I worry about him. Sometimes he doesn't seem happy and it makes my heart hurt. I just want to make everything alright for him.

Victoria's been having issues with her dad. I swear I wish I could punch him for her. I want to hold her tightly and make her forget all about him and his empty promises. Also, she's been my hero for the last week or so now. My tire exploded last week when we were on the way to the library and I can't fix it till next week when I get back from vacation. She's been driving me around when I venture outside to go to the store. She had to go home yesterday though, her grandma's been really sick. I hope she's ok, her grandma is pretty neat.

Let's see...what else? I've been writing a lot on my other projects. I've been trying to do a lot there because I know once school starts up again I won't really have any time or energy to devote to them. Even though I'm not that great of a writer, I really do enjoy it.

I have a guilty pleasure...Simply Red and Rick Astley...and other musicness of that sort. I found Simply Red's YouTube channel and was listening to some of his stuff. Here's one of my favorites:



Anyway, it's late and my bum hurts...I'm gonna go to bed now I think. Gotta do laundry and finish cleaning the apartment tomorrow to get ready for my trip to see my little sister. I can't wait to see her :)

My feet are cold!

I don't know why but my feet stay frozen...from the ankle down. It's a terrible thing. Yes I have socks on and the rest of me is warm. Maybe I need a fuzzy dog to sit on my feet and keep them warm?

Posted a couple more entries on my other projects. I need to work on fixing the way those blogs look and add a bit more detail to them.

I have to say that I really hate it when people get pissy over nothing. Just two people having a fun and playful banter over a forum and someone has to butt in and toss their nasty at them. Well to you people I say, STFU and utilize your ignore button! You hurt a friend of mine and if I knew where you lived I'd send 9 plagues to your doorstep!

/endrant

I missed church today because of my insomnia. I hate that. I also have barely any energy to do anything throughout the day either. Today though, I did manage to read a book. Vampire Hunter D - book 1. I finished it and need to get book 2 from Victoria. I'm also going to start on the Wheel of Time series tonight.

I'm a little tired so I think I'm going to take my book and frozen feet to bed. Hopefully I'll get some decent sleep tonight.

Just because I can

This song randomly played today. I love Patti LaBelle. While looking for it on YouTube, I found the next song.




Can you believe I've never seen Les Miserables? First time I'd heard this song too. It's pretty.

It's 2010

Last year went really good. It started out good and it built up steamy goodness until the middle of November when my world just came crashing down around me when he said goodbye. From then on it's been a daily struggle to just make it through to the next day. I think I've managed it pretty well actually.

I'm sitting here, on the first day of the new year, with an odd calm around me. I just got done telling someone that he shouldn't settle for me just because he's lonely. How I feel about him is neither here nor there. I refuse to put my heart in the care of someone unless I'm certain that he's willing to take care of it .. and is ok with the baggage I'm bringing. Thanks to my ex, I now worry about my significant other being faithful and if I'll ever be enough for someone and lots of other random things that no man should have to deal with unless they are the cause of it. It's not fair to anyone.

So while I'm healing my heart and my soul I hope that eventually there is someone out there who wants me for who I am and will let me love them in the special way that I do. Wholly and without reservations. Someone who will help heal my trust issues with patience and understanding. Someone who actually deserves me.

One day...I'm hopeful. But for now, I'll just count my blessings, be thankful for my friends, and work on fixing myself.

<3

4am...yet again

So I'm going to try and sleep now. Tomorrow (today) is going to be nice. I get my godson for the night and Vic and I are going to just rent some movies and cook dinner and hang out at her house with the kids for NYE. Did I use too many 'ands'? Too bad. I should dig around in my cookbook and see if I can find something new to fix.

Going to see my sister for the first time in a couple of years in 14 days. I can't wait. Of course, classes start up again at the same time and I'm taking a 5 day weekend to go see her but oh well. I need to see my baby sister and my girls.

I really have nothing else to say right now. I'm thinking of creating another blog for my Star Wars characters. I post journal entries for them on a forum but I think it'd be fun to stick them in a real blog. Plus that way you can read all the exciting stuff that's going on in the game... lol.

Ok, I've deflected enough. I'm going to bed.

PS. today was pretty good...aside from my bowels deciding that I was going to be sick for a few hours.

Apathetic much?

Just so you know, the last post wasn't anything other than me needing to let go of some stuff. This time of year is always bad for me, and it has been for a long time. I lost my best friend almost 11 years ago and the sadness always starts the last couple of days of December. I try not to dwell. I try to distract myself with other things. I try to ignore how I feel...just for a few days. It never works. I always end up crying into my pillow for hours for no apparent reason. I know why...I just don't like to talk about it. But that's why we have the internet right?

Having this screen in front of me allows me to spill my deepest darkest secrets without fear or worry, because frankly...no one reads this but me anyway. I can be anyone I want to and you'll never know. Just don't get me alone in a room, I might disappoint you. Blah blah blah, boo hoo. Yes I know I'm getting all weepy. So what. Trouble is, it gets worse as I get older. My hot flashes are getting harder to deal with. I'm having some really difficult times sleeping (thankfully the only thing I have to get up for is church on sundays - not looking forward to classes starting again...I wonder if that will help me get back on my proper schedule?).

Maybe I shouldn't worry. Maybe I should just let everything be. There's some lyrics of a song that Bob sent me a long time ago. "Worrying is about as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum."



Here's the Yoda version of it...just cause I'm a nerd like that



I did go to bed by 9ish last night...and then woke up at 1:30am *sigh*. I ate a little, played some Star Wars, watched a comedy special with Robin Williams...he's not as funny as he used to be. It just seems like his humor has gone down the toilet...or maybe I'm not used to seeing him do stand up and he's always been like that? Not that I have any problem with toilet humor, he just doesn't do it well.

I'm supposed to go grocery shopping with Victoria tomorrow....I don't really see myself getting up at any kind of decent hour to do that actually. Thankfully I bought some micro meals for the leech to warm up so I don't have to cook. Which really is kinda sad because I pulled out some ground turkey the other day to make some tacos and I've really been looking forward to it.

I really need to work on the whole 'letting go' thing.

I hate

I hate being right all the time.
I hate being ignored.
I hate always being just friends.
I hate always being the strong one.
I hate being so god damned emotional.
I hate being so f'ing weak.
I hate being all alone in a crowded room.
I hate crying...really really really hate it.
I hate needing people.
I hate knowing I'm going to be alone the rest of my life.
I hate faking it.
I hate being vulnerable.
I hate not being able to give up.
I hate believing in love that's not meant for me.
I hate being patient.
I hate not being in control.
I hate not being needed.
I hate being selfish.
I hate not fitting in.
I hate being held at arms length.
I hate living in the past.
I hate that I don't know how not to.
I hate not knowing.
I hate not sleeping.
I hate that I can't give up.
I hate that I still see the good in people that hurt me the worst.
I hate not being more vindictive.
I hate that I can't see myself the way my son does.
I hate being so optimistic.
I hate being so kind.
I hate it when I'm mean and hateful.
I hate that I can't be kinder to myself.
I hate that I've cried the entire time I wrote this.
I really hate the holidays.
and sometimes .. I hate that I love you.

I'm sorry.

Merry Hogswatch

It's after 4:30am and I'm still not asleep. I told the leech he could wake me up at 10...ugh...on top of, I found one present that didn't get wrapped. I should do that quickly.

I heart this band...you should heart it too.

Done...but not quite!

Presents are wrapped woooo! I did it while the leech was outside playing cause I'm sneaky like that. He's still contagious so he'll be staying home tonight and not joining me for service. Which makes me a little sad because Victoria won't be here either :( .

Sent Bob the email...everything's good. Tho I think I'm over thinking things again as usual lol. Thankfully he'll tell me so and everything will go back to normal. I blame the hormones....which btw, I'm on day 4 and no major side effects still! Very glad my face hasn't decided to break out again.

I did my core workout last night but skipped the Tai Chi...it was like after 4am when I finally got to the first part of my workout and I was exhausted. Sadly I couldn't fall asleep till almost 6:30 :/ . Gonna try and get to bed a little early tonight. Maybe make the leech some pancakes for breakfast tomorrow. Careful, the world might stop spinning if I do it lol!

Procrastination!!!!

I do this every year. I wait until Christmas Eve to wrap the presents...and then I end up staying up way too late which means I sleep longer and make the kids wait to wake me up lol. I'm so evil. Thankfully they understand and are happy with their stockings. Plus we compromise. They're not allowed to wake me up before 9am.

I'm exhausted. I haven't done my workout. I ate 5 chocolate covered cherries today. I'm sitting here listening to music and trolling some forums. I'm also hoping that the leech will feel better by xmas. Oh, right...he's got bronchitis. We were at the doctor's office today. 4 days of antibiotics and steroids. He's actually been quiet tonight. No coughing. I hope that means he's getting better. Poor thing has been coughing painfully for the last month. Maybe I'll make my stuffed mushrooms and oreo pie tomorrow to keep me busy. I won't be able to go to Rachel's house for xmas dinner but hopefully the leech'll be feeling better the day after and we can go then. I miss my extra kids!

So here's a thought. I was playing SWG today and made a new RP friend. The role play wandered the way it wanted and my character ended up on his character's ship for a little virtual sin-making. Not that I have a problem with that...but, well it's gotten me thinking. I've never been in any intimate RP situation with anyone but Bob the Bird, and well...I know Bob and I aren't together but..it seems weird to be doing something like that with someone else. Granted I don't go all out and into deep details with it. I'm pretty quick to fade to black when it seems like that's the path the RP will take. Still tho, it almost feels like I'm cheating on Bob, which is right silly I know.

At the same time...I don't want to limit my RP just because I feel like that. I have other characters that aren't tied intimately to any of Bob's and if I limit them in any way, then I feel like I might be missing out on something. There's just got to be a way to go about this without hurting any feelings or making anyone jealous/upset. Not that he would be...hell, I don't even know how he feels anymore. Maybe I should ask him...except that I don't want him to think we're having one of those conversations after all these years. I happen to enjoy our friendship and things get complicated and uncomfortable when you start dragging up old feelings and stuff.

On the other hand...I am on hormones right now so it's quite possible that I'm just over thinking all this and he'd tell me I was being silly. Maybe I'll send him an email since he's away on xmas vacation.

Then after that I'm gonna do my work out and go to bed. I promise!!! :D

I've been in a writing mood lately. I wrote a couple of journal entries for a character I role play in Star Wars Galaxies. I think they came out pretty good. Now I'm here...not sure for what, nothing really exciting has happened.

I went to church tonight for solstice service. It was really nice and intimate as there was roughly only 20ish people there for the service. Poor Aidan slept through the entire thing - I gave him a dose of Nyquil earlier. I got a little teary during one of the songs...I blame the hormones tho.

Speaking of hormones. I started taking that hormone pack the doc put me on for my back. Today was the first day and I took 6 pills. It was kinda weird, I have to say. I didn't really notice any change in my personality. No mood swings or general crabbiness. I did send a friend request to a guy who I used to be friends with. We haven't been friends in almost a year but were actually talking nicely on a mutual friend's Facebook status. I'm not sure if we're done not being friends but I kinda hope so. He was a pretty decent guy and lord knows I can use all the friends I can get right now. Besides, life's too short to hold a grudge right? Or maybe I'm just being too kind hearted again. Who knows.

It's after 3am. I need to go do my core exercises and the Tai Chi. If I allow myself to not do it because of the late hour, I'll stop doing it and darnit I'm tired of not taking my health seriously.

I miss Victoria already :(

Lateness

I'm still alive. I know you were worried. It's ok, you can breathe now. I just needed to lock myself up and hide for a couple of days after finals. Grades weren't terrible but of course I could have done better.

Got a new exercise mat so I can start doing my core training again. It's nice and thick. My abs hate me but they'll get over it. Did my Tai Chi tonight. My arms and legs are shaky and sore and I'm exhausted so I'm going to bed cause it's after 1:30am. Let's see how long I can keep this up eh?

Got the Christmas shopping for the leech done last week while he was in school. I hate that I couldn't afford more :/ Oh well, he's getting a computer in January probably. Hummingbird is going to get a *********....if he can manage to stop getting suspended from school!

Side note: I had actually put what he was going to get instead of the ***** but then I realized, he might actually read this so I replaced it with the asterisks just in case.

I'm going to bed now. Love to all!

Shhhhhhh...

Finals are over. I've had 3 hours of sleep in the last 48 hours. I miss Victoria. I miss my son. I've bribed him with lots of food that is bad for you tonight because I have to sleep. Tomorrow, if I get up early enough I'm going to go Christmas shopping for him. I can't wait, but I hate being on a limited budget.

I may have to retake Calculus. That stupid final lowered my grade too much.

I'm going to bed now. G'night!

The day in-between

The physics final wasn't too bad...tho many penguins had to die....and there was a lot of penguin violence...and a blender. Don't ask.

Thankfully I won't have to retake the class. Yay for amply endowed and strategically shown cleavage in class. Oh no, I'm not above using my weapons of mass distraction to help my grade.

The calculus final was brutal. I had to leave at least 4 questions unanswered. The smart guys I studied with before the exam both looked at each other and mouthed "Oh f*k this test is hard!" *sigh*. I'm afraid that the final will lower my grade. I really don't want to have to retake any more classes.

After finals I came home and fed the kid, set the alarm and went to bed...it was 5:30pm. I slept till about 11 then got up and started a marathon of Greek. I don't really have much to say except that tomorrow/today will be spent finishing up my last final and turn it in weds. I am pretty hungry...but I'm too lazy to go fix something and don't have anything quick to stick in the microwave. I wish something was open so that I could order delivery. Hmm...biscuits sound really good right now.

So, yeah..I'm gonna go get some biscuits, and watch some more tv. Yay for being (almost) done!

Please don't tell my mother!

It's 2:30am, finals start in less than 6 hours, I'm not in bed yet and I haven't studied. She'd be terribly disappointed.

Thanks.

Where you are is just where you're supposed to be...I promise.

Today's sermon was special to me because John talked about helping others who had less than you. It's, of course, right in the holiday spirit..but it's not just about that one moment of the year. It's about taking care of each other throughout the entire year. I also think I've decided where I want to start my activism...now if only I can get John to tell me who I need to talk to about it lol.

I also found a new favorite singer, Susan Werner thanks to John. He's got a song of her's on his blog with today's sermon. Love it.

Other than that, what's been going on? I've been avoiding the unavoidable. Finals are tomorrow and what have I been doing all weekend? Everything but study *sigh*. I'm terrible about this. I'll just wait till tomorrow and cram it all in. That always works right? No...but I still haven't learned yet. Oh well, for better or worse, the majority of it will be over tomorrow. Then I just have to spend Tuesday finishing up my take-home. Oh, and I'm wearing my pj's to my final tomorrow at 8am ... ugh!

I really felt the need to write something...well...more, I guess. More inspirational. More deep. More thought provoking. But I'm failing at that as well. So I s'pose I'll go tweeze my other eyebrow, watch a show on Hulu, and hopefully get to sleep early enough that I can wake up around 6 and eat breakfast/cram a little before the final.

I do hope everyone's had a good weekend.

All I wanted

...was forever. Apparently that was too much to hope for.

I'd really appreciate it when these tears stop falling. It gets kinda difficult to carry on a conversation with a huge lump in my throat. Also, the sniffling from the teary nose isn't very attractive either.

I feel all hormonal and I haven't even started taking those pills yet *sigh*.

On the bright side, the sound is fixed and my mic works again.

Today's flubs.

So while trying to fix my sound input (ie, my mic) I ended up completely removing any type of sound from my laptop. There will be no sound coming in or out of it until I find someone who can fix it. *le sigh*

Almost left my credit card at Applebee's. Yay for the the youngest Brother of Awesome (whom I will train to take my place when I graduate). Also almost left my food there that was boxed up, also yay for the yBoA! He's pretty handy to have around.

Today's topic was "Are you in touch with your inner hooker?!" and whether or not to host another adult movie night over the break. More on that tomorrow. I'm tired now.

An act of faith in the infinity of Godhead.

There are many paths, and mine is but one.
I will follow it as best I can.
I will not say that I am right and others wrong,
Only that I will try to do what is right for me.
The light of the sun falls on the whole Earth;
It does not shine exclusively for my benefit.
If I can see it from where I stand,
So others can see it from where they are.
But, if there are others who wish to walk beside me,
I will help them if they ask.
If there are others who do not see a way,
I will offer mine.
If my path is theirs, I will rejoice...
But if it is not, I will not sorrow.
For the Universe is infinite.

-I've had this reading for a very long time. I didn't write this, but sadly I can't find out who did.-

I don't need another hero

So I've been thinking (stop laughing) ... and I think maybe I'm going about this the wrong way. Maybe instead of looking for a hero, I should be looking for a compliment. When I find the hero-type, he gets put above me. His needs supersede mine, his wants and desires become my own. I effectively get lost in him and lose sight of 'me'. I think that's what happened to me over the years. I never took the time to redefine who I was. I never reached down deep and reconnected with my center.

I've always been comfortable for the most part about where I was going, and while I might have had doubts about my path and looked on the past fondly (I'm good at blacking out the bad parts), I've never wanted to turn around and go home. No matter how scared I was. I've always been a 'look forward with your chin high' kinda person. However, I've become stuck inside myself. Feeling kinda trapped and while I find comfort in the routines that have come to shape my daily life, I'm screaming inside...trying to break free of these useless and asinine habits that aren't getting me anywhere!

I have a need to make a mark on this world, but I'm scared I think. There's so much that I can and want to do but where do I start? I'm afraid of getting overwhelmed. Actually, what it boils down to at the core of it all is love. I want to love and be loved. That might be selfish of me but I feel like, while I may not have a specific skill set to offer society, I've got plenty of love to go around. I have a story to tell. I have wisdom learned and experience gained. I hope to one day have the appropriate words to be able to express myself properly.

I wonder if my life story will be that light in the darkness for someone...or will it just contribute to their darkness...and does it really matter in the grand scheme of things? I mean, I'm only one person with only one minuscule moment of life compared to the great and powerful universe. If I give my all, will it fade away into the infinitness of existence and make as much of a ripple as if I had given nothing at all?

I honestly don't know. But, I can trust in my actions and that my motivations are for the greater good...and hope. I can cling to hope for you and me and she and we and everything and nothing all at once. I breathe hope infused air...even through my tears, there's hope. When I'm broken and beaten and bruised and tired of fighting...hope is the pillow that comforts me and the walls around me that shelter me from the storm. Hope is the very essence of love and the two are so intertwined that I can't see that you can have one without the other. How can you honestly love your neighbor if you can't honestly hope for the best for them?

Hope is what gives me strength to have faith in something bigger than me. Faith is what keeps me getting up every morning to face the day. Faith in the human race gives me the strength to love...no matter what.

I hope you don't mind.


[All the children say, "We don't need another hero.
We don't need to know the way home.
All we want is life beyond the thunder-dome."

So what do we do with our lives?
We leave only a mark.
Will our story shine like a light
Or end in the dark? Is it all or nothing?]

-excerpt from We Don't Need Another Hero by Tina Turner-

*smiles*

Today has been a good day. I got some studying done. I worked on something I'm not supposed to talk about so pretend I just didn't say that. I spent some wonderful and surprising time with Bob the Bird. My son ate all his dinner. I finished the tray of baklava that I bought the other day so it can't tempt me anymore!

It's late and I should get some sleep...heck, I can't even type correctly right now lol :/

I just wanted to say that...well I know I'm terribly oblivious to everything and I'm sorry. I try not to be but it's so easy to get lost in my own little world. I have a few friends that I come out for but ... if I ask you if you're ok and you tell me yes ... please don't be mad when I believe you. I trust that you'll always be honest with me and that you'll tell me if you need me. Granted, I kinda fail sometimes at the whole noticing the obvious thing (see beginning of paragraph) but please be patient. I'm still trying to figure out who I am....and that requires stepping outside of my bubble. Which is not something that's easy for me to do.

I'm struggling to find my place in this world. I mean, I know I'm walking the correct path and I'm definitely enjoying the journey to whatever destination I may be headed towards but...well I'm trying to figure out what the scenery looks like and if I like it or not. It's kinda like someone who is one way their whole life only to find out they had a brain tumor. When it gets removed they don't think anything will change until they start back into their old habits like, eating fries with ketchup. That's when they realize, they don't really like ketchup on their fries, they like mustard.

I feel like I've gone through a significant portion of my life blind to who I am. Living and acting according to the way other people believed me to be and not even really realizing it. So this is me trying to figure 'me' out.

I've come to realize that I enjoy having a higher power that I recognize. I feel so much better now, being able to give him/her/it a name...the 'Cosmic Christ' if you will. I enjoy going to church and look forward to being able to be more active in it. I feel like I've missed out on so much by not having gone to church before. I also know that my friends who knew me before I started going to church are standing there scratching their heads and going "what in the world is she on?" But it's ok.

I'm a fish in the water, flowing with tides of life, struggling against the cross currents that try to get me off track. I know that the more currents that cross me, the stronger my muscles become from overcoming them, so that each subsequent current is just that much easier to swim through. One day I'll be doing flips over those currents before they even get close. Look ma'...no hands!

Stumbling along the path...but I've got bumpers in the gutter!

I've moved on to the anger phase. I just want to punch something/someone. It would really really really make me feel so much better.

On the bright side...I've been able to channel all this anger energy towards being a study machine for finals next week!

/roar

How true

He taught me how to love, but not how to stop.

I'm fighting with myself right now. I feel so free to be able to allow my heart to be so open again and yet, there's a part of me that is struggling to lock it up tight again.

Beware my ninja wrath!!

and please don't let my katana slice my heart to ribbons.

Wary

Little Miss Mary Sunshine had a bad day
She says it's overrated living this way
She took her hair down, left her sweater on the floor
She's not a nice girl any more.

...

Everybody's favorite girl
Doesn't fake it anymore
I'm okay with who I am today
Everybody's got to change
I'm just doing what I can
Could you love me anyway?

Really?? I mean....just ... Really???

FB Status: Miss Kit'n obviously wasn't loved enough if you can *choose* to set aside your feelings for her and move on. I mean...really?

• [name of friend]: I've never been one who is able to "choose" my feelings either. I can go through the motions, but what's in my heart is independent of my input. It does what it damn well pleases.
• [Miss Kit'n]: How can you 'play house' with someone when you know you're in love with another??
• [name of friend]: I don't think love ever really goes away.

-------
Dear Miss Kit'n,

I don't see a contradiction in loving more than one person. I also know "love isn't enough"... relationships also have to work on practical levels, sexual levels, etc. So even though you love someone, doesn't mean the relationship will work. And just because you love someone, doesn't mean you can't love someone else.

[name of friend]
-------

Dear [name of friend] ,

I'm apologizing right now for any way that I may come off pissy or snippy towards you. I'm not trying to I promise. I'm just really pissed off at him right now and unfortunately that's probably going to carry over into my conversations on this topic.

I understand that you can love someone and have that relationship not work out for whatever reason and then moving on and loving someone else. This is not what I'm talking about.

He left me for some hooker he met at a bus stop simply because she was there and had a viable uterus. And yet he tells me that he's having a hard time dealing with our breakup (which he caused) because his feelings haven't gone away. He chose to set them aside and pursue something else but they're still there on some level.

Now this pisses me off because it's not like I had any decision in the matter. He perceived problems in our relationship that weren't there and instead of giving us a chance to work on it, decided to end it and hop into bed with this hooker. And yet, he's the one still having problems dealing with this. I feel like god damnit, if I can continue to move on every day then there's no damned way he should be having any problems at all and if he is then he deserves it because he fucked up a good thing.

Will I love someone else in the future. Possibly, but I'm not putting my heart out there like that again. Will I always love him. Yes. In fact, he'll probably always be my one weakness. But I'm not going to let him or anyone else make me feel so utterly unimportant and insignificant again.

sorry for the rant :/

[Miss Kit'n]
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Note to the one person who actually reads this blog (me):

1. No I don't actually believe his new girlfriend is a hooker that he met at the bus stop but that is how I will refer to her
2. I really want to just punch him in the face right now
3. I hope he's miserable without me
4. I hope he regrets his decision
5. I will never let him affect me like that again
6. any subsequent relationship he and I may or may not have will be on MY terms and not his.
7. I hope he knows that he's settled for less than what he could have had with me.
8. I still wish him the best in everything he does
9. I hope he comes to a point in life that he's truly happy
   
10. I feel sorry for him and his inability to fight for what he wants
11. I'd still take him back after all of this...but as stated in #6, only on my own terms.
12. Where the hell does he get off feeling bad about any of this? I'm the one who had my heart ripped out and stomped on and torn apart but he still can't get over it? He has no right to still feel bad about this.

...and yet after all of this, I still would take him into my arms and forgive him and love him...

Blahblahblah

The semester is winding to a close. Finals are coming up soon. There's a mad rush to study for the last few quizzes and to get the last homeworks done. I've taken the last of my muscle relaxers so I don't have to worry about sleeping too late and missing physics (sadly lol).

Been spending more time on SWG again. I missed it and my friends there. Silly thing about having a life...keeps you from submersing yourself online - except when your life is online. The thing is, every time I try to settle it never works and I always end up going back to him. It's a terrible shame lol. I told him that coming back to him was like having make up sex after a big fight...it was fun!

I could see us living together and growing old together but not in a romantical way - I've pretty much gotten over that, tho there is still the wishful thinking of course lol. Kinda like my grandma and Joe did it. Oh, they may have been sweethearts when they were younger but in their old age they were just roommates that took care of each other and didn't need anyone else.

I've been wondering a lot lately about where my life will end up. What I'll be doing in the end. Before, tho...I would have been stressing out and gotten impatient about not being there now, right this second thank you very much...today, I'm pretty ok with not being there. I'm loving where I'm at now. Living in the moment. Living my life. Laughing and loving hard. Striving to do new things and meet new people. Going out of my way to have new experiences.

Speaking of new experiences. I'm going to Denmark for spring break. I'm going to spend a whole week with him. I can't wait. I'm so excited but nervous also at the same time. I don't do well in new places and situations. I get so nervous. Afraid I'm not going to see something important or look really out of place. I felt that way even when I went to Canada but it wasn't so bad the first time because Eric wasn't at the airport to pick me up. I took a cab to the hotel and then had time to calm down and relax a bit before he got there and our first meeting was one on one in the room. With Robert it will be different. I'll be in a completely different country with a different language and I'll meet him at the airport surrounded by hundreds of other people. I'm afraid I'll walk right passed him...like I do to Victoria all the time lol.

Vic and I are also moving in together in May. This makes me very happy and I want it to be May right now! However, again...I'm not as impatient as I would normally be. I'm thinking this is a good thing. I'm embracing this new 'roll with the punches' outlook. It's kinda fun to just see where life takes me.

I've procrastinated homework enough. Time for bed.

For me.

I am not:

- responsible for your failure to communicate
- your doormat
- perfect
- able to let you go yet
- allowing you to walk all over my heart anymore
- letting myself make excuses for the way you treat me
- going to let my skin crawl when I think of you with her
- going to hate myself for being something I'm not
- going to believe that while you weren't good enough for me, I'm not good enough for anyone else
- going to lie to myself anymore
- going to make excuses for your inability to help me let go
- going to depend on you for support anymore, I can do it without you
- going to believe your promises...they've lost value with me now
- going to hate you...I'm a bigger person than that
- going to adjust my life or my schedule around you anymore
- going to stop being me


I am:

- beautiful
- a good person
- wonderful
- deserving of love
- willing to let other people in even after you trampled over my heart
- strong enough to live without you
- surrounded by magnificent friends who took the time to really get to know me and still love me anyway.
- ok with still hurting from you leaving me
- going to heal and be stronger because of it
- thankful for the time we had together
- sorry you never knew me
- forgiving you
- still crying myself to sleep sometimes
- learning to let go
- going to stop dwelling on the 'what ifs'
- going to give you your time to heal
- going to always be there for you...but on my own terms this time
- making new friends
- perfectly ok with where I'm at now

Boredom

......

It's thanksgiving. Victoria is at her apartment with her mom. We spent the day with Rachel. I took Christopher, Jasmyn and Jaxxon home with me. I think I'm crazy. I hope the baby sleeps through the night. I'm supposed to go see G tomorrow. Hope he makes it home in time lol.

I don't really have anything else to say right now. I should put the kids to bed and read for awhile before bed.

.......

Eat my hands.

I've been having the urge to write lately but I'm not exactly sure what to write about. When I've tried to put pencil to paper and make words, it doesn't end well *sigh*.

It's barely after 6pm and I'm exhausted. I have the need to reach out to old friends for laughter and witty banter, but there's no one around. I have homework I should be working on but I feel the need to curl up on the couch and read. Ugh....I don't really feel restless, I just feel like I should be doing something else...but I don't have the energy to even try.

I have the need to have someone to curl up with....but that's one need that will go unsatiated.

Mothers

My mom asked how I was today. She said she was sorry. I almost cried. So much for thinking I was doing ok.

New Moon

I went to see the movie tonight with Victoria. We got there about an hour early and they had us line up for the theater 30 minutes before the showtime...and then they were 30 minutes late showing it!

All in all, it was a fairly good movie. There were funny parts and the amount of man-hips were just overwhelming. I think I was drooling most of the time. Not at Edward or Jacob....but their hips. Gah, I have a severe obsession with hips....and I miss you.

It was kinda hard to watch the movie tonight. Little things made me think of you. That Jacob is a furnace for Bella...I miss how you made me sweat. When Edward broke it off with her and she refuses to believe that he doesn't want to be with her. After he left, how she says that she felt like their was a hole in her chest. How she tried to do things she knew he wouldn't approve of, just to hear his voice in her head telling her to stop. Then in the end, when he tells her that he can't exist in a world without her. My eyes got a little wet and my throat closed up a bit.

But we're not Edward and Bella are we? We're not some fairy tale dream. You don't want me anymore and I'm learning to live with that. I feel like her in a way....spending all my time with other people trying to fill the hole in my heart...and it works, for the most part. I'm able to convince myself that I'm better than I really am. But then there are moments like this. When I see what we had reflected in other people. And then realize that the difference between us and them is that they'll have their fairy tale ending.

I'm overly emotional right now because I'm exhausted...please forgive me. I really am doing okay...but I still have my moments, and they kinda sneak up on me. I really wanted to get up and leave in the middle of the movie but I couldn't. I love the story so much. The struggle and the love. The hope and the despair. This was one of those moments. I'll go to sleep soon and will want to cry but the tears won't come. Eventually I'll fall asleep and tomorrow will be a new day, full of hope and beginnings.

I've decided that I'm going to put my passport to use. I'm spending a week in March with my very dear friend Robert in Denmark. I'm going to sleep in his spare bed and spend hours talking and flirting and laughing and eating and dancing and snuggling on the couch watching terrible movies together. He's going into the Army soon and I'm afraid that if something ever happened to him I'll feel terrible that I never got to hug him. 5 years we've been friends. He's helped me through so much and we've been through so much together....and yet no matter what, I always go back to him. I treasure him so much.

I've also made a new friend who lives about an hour away. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about him yet. We talk every day, emails and texts. He makes me laugh with his words and his mannerisms. He knows about you and how I'm healing and he's ok with that. He respects my space and my need to step back and move slowly. Regardless of any attraction he and I may or may not have towards each other, he's already proven to me that he will be a wonderful friend and I'm going to talk to him about spending the day together soon. Maybe next weekend. I'll let him take me to a bookstore and we'll sit in the coffee shop and discuss our favorite authors and art and the meaning of life and then I'll let him take me to dinner for more wonderful conversation and afterwords I may let him take me to his studio and let me see his artwork. Or I may just meet him for coffee, have a couple of laughs but be extremely uncomfortable, call it an early night and go home. Either way is fine by me.

I think Victoria and I are going to get an apartment together. We're going to go looking over the next couple of weeks/months and try to get into something next summer. It would be nice to have a roommate I think. Especially her. She and I work really well together...altho, I feel extremely guilty for leaving her on spring break to go visit Robert...but she pretty much told me I had to lol.

Anyway, I think it's just about bedtime. You haven't written me in a couple of days and I'm not really sure what to think about that. You have no obligation to contact me every day and I'm sure you probably don't want to. I'm sure that you stay away from the computer as much as possible trying to do everything you can to forget I exist....to make it easier for you to move on with your life. I can't blame you. I try not to think about you. It still kinda hurts. When I'm not looking and my guard is down, I can feel that missing piece of my heart that you still have.

I hope she makes you happy. Truly and honestly happy. You do deserve it. I hope that one day you love her more than you loved me.

Meh, I'm getting all sappy and shit...yeah, it's time for bed.

I love you.
I love us.
I love me.

Moving on.

Today marks a week since he said goodbye...and yet I feel oddly at peace. I've met new friends, a couple that are just amazing and have so much love to share that they are willing to bring another person into their relationship...a minister who gives sermons at a progressive church and is open minded enough to believe that hey, I'm not necessarily going to hell just because I don't believe that the Christian God is the almighty....and a man from a social networking/dating site that gives amazing conversation and respects the fact that I am only recently single and healing and not looking for any type of relationship other than friends...not once has he been anything but fun and friendly and yet, I know he's happy to wait to see if we have chemistry until and if I'm ever ready for that.

I've picked up my copy of the Tao again. Here's a piece from chapter 29:

Sometimes you lead
Sometimes you follow
Sometimes you are stifled
Sometimes you breathe easy
Sometimes you are strong
Sometimes you are weak
Sometimes you destroy
And sometimes you are destroyed.

This really speaks to me right now. I love him deeply. I always will. I hope that he doesn't beat himself up over his decision. He did what he thought was best for him and how can I fault that? I just need to take this experience and see what kind of person I become when I emerge fully from it. I'm cautiously excited.

My counselor tells me I should look into meditation to help me get over my control issues. I always have to know what's going on. I have a hard time being ok when I can't see the big picture. I've been feeling complacent and lost a bit myself lately...like I'm wandering around in nothingness but that if I can just go a little bit further in I can get past the nothingness and see what's really there, except there's a tether that's keeping me from going any further. It feels almost like a safety net and yet I also feel a little aggravated by it. Slowly I'm going to figure this out. Right now I'm just living in the here and now. Wishing and praying that my loved ones find happiness and serenity in their lives.

I'm able to listen to music without thinking of him and crying. This is a big step for me...oh how I've missed my music.

Thoughts are jumbled but they flow as they're meant to.

Fresh?

I need a change, but I still need to blog.

Maybe I'll change this one around and make it useful again.

I'm healing.

Fuck a duck with the wrong end of a plunger!

You're walking around like nothing's wrong but your entire world is about to fall apart. If you'd be honest with yourself you'd have seen this coming long before me. I don't know that you can see without your glasses though. I just want to scream in your face and shove you down the stairs. Maybe that will knock you off your crooked path. Set you back on the walk you should have been on...alone...together...regardless...without him.

A punch in the nose...a smack in the face...some cyanide in your cereal might be your saving grace. The snow on the television is breaking up the rainbow. Bleach and Ajax with a dash of vinegar might make you dance like a star. To yourself...who are we to judge...yet you turn your head and look to the crowd with pleading eyes...willing to pay someone else to fix themselves...willing to bribe the dog with peanut butter to fuck the neighbor's cousin in her sleep to make sure no one knows that it's really you that's fucked up...not us. We shit perfection and you smear it over yourself trying to catch up but you only smell worse.

There's a staircase...2 flights should be enough...if you let me trip you I promise I'll feel better. A window perhaps...I'll move the car so you don't scratch it....give me a minute to turn up this song...or should I tape your mouth shut...no one cares about your screams.

Oh look...a squirrel.

Explosion pending.

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

I hate this...omg I hate this soooo much. I'm tired of feeling like I'm your dirty secret when we both know I'm not!!!

I want the option to molest you whenever and where ever I want to damnit. I don't want to have to restrain myself at all when it concerns you.

This is the worst part of being away from you.

I hate it.

ALOT.

Look...a post...

and it's not on a fence...

I'm not big on the whole blogging thing...I can go weeks and months without putting anything down. I'm not a fan of words. Which actually kinda sucks since we need them to talk...who knew?? I feel....lost...like I'm walking around in a cloud that's keeping me from my daily life. I should have been studying all day but I only found enough motivation to get my book and notes together and stack them neatly in a pile. Yesterday I had someone to talk to, and a book to read, and a plan to spend today studying...today, I have nothing but a deep sadness and a unsettling feeling of being so very alone. I hate it.

Ok, I need to stop being so damned pitiful...I'm going to try to study now. Not that you care or anything, right?

If it kills me.

Time is an elusive, tangible evil....it teases you with its closeness then jumps back and laughs at how far away it really is...because no matter how close it is, it's never close enough...until it is...but when it is, oh how my heart will sing...to be with you, wrapped up in your arms, home...finally.

My heart wants to skip a beat when you come near...my nose wants to become intoxicated with your smell...my tongue wants to be intimate with your taste...my skin tingles to become one with yours.

I never realized how empty my bed was until I met you....I wonder if time is enjoying this 10 day tease???

My dear sweet Coraline...

....you really know how to blow, tho it's too bad you don't swallow...I might actually have gotten my money's worth.

I can't really complain since the wives and kid enjoyed it. Oh the things one does to keep your significant others happy....

What have you done lately??

Masturbation

so why is it that it feels better when you're sick/intoxicated or otherwise not feeling normal?

I think I masturbate more when I'm sick than I do the rest of the year....

I'll be in my bunk.

Things to do at work..

I'm a very private person when it comes to sex...do it in the privacy of your own home and all that jazz, well at least not on video or anything.

There's this thing that's been on my mind for awhile now...and I'm really wanting to try it, but I'm too much of a chicken lol.

I wanna have sex at work. Not just boring ol' on the desk sex. I'm talking, up against the glass windows so that the blinds get squished and everyone outside can see your hand ride up my thigh and under my skirt, take a few steps to the next wall and pin me too it so close that I have to breathe through your mouth, rip my top open so buttons go flying as you push me down on top of the desk and frantically pushing things away so I don't get stabbed with scissors, fuck me so hard I can't be quiet and your boss walks in on us but can't do anything but stand there and stare while the rest of the office is looking over his shoulder.

That's the kinda sex I want....just thought I'd throw that out there

Something....maybe?

i'm tired...and sore...and hungry...and worn to the bone with weariness...wishing i was a little more selfish...oh wait...i am he said...irrationally...what does that mean...show me the numbers...here let me throw them up in your face for you....you see the curve of this two...the hard lines of this seven...that's my heart...on my sleeve...the fullness of this eight...my love...the sharp corners of that four...you...and all with downward motion...wont let my love settle and i'm not skilled enough to sink it in your trenches....to over flow you into a nine...so give me that pencil...i need the eraser to fix me...to change my lines into something you'll like better...excuse me while i bleed tears...

Cardboard Smiles

stay awake for me...leave your eyes open...let's find this moment together....leave her at the door...i'll put my doubts and fears in her pocket for safe keeping...this is what matters...you...me...maybe one day i'll start to believe i matter to someone....would you mind helping me tonight....maybe it's just me...maybe i'm the flawed one...maybe I shouldn't have used the mask on the back of the cereal box..they never last long in the rain...

The stark white walls of my mind

so i'm staring around the room and it's full of people. you're here somewhere. i'm sure of it. you have to be. my heart wouldn't lie to me...would it? trying to walk through life but no one moves out of the way. guess this is what invisible feels like. the air so thick. laughter travels slowly across the street. thought i heard your voice. thought i smelled you. thought your heart was calling to me. i see your hand. reaching for me from around a corner. or is that the doctor.

the red of the vending machine is too bright. need to turn off the light. someone make the squeaking stop. rubber on linoleum. metal on metal. doors clicking open. slamming closed. monitors beeping. steady beep beep. turning our hearts into nothing but lines on a screen. someone talking. to me. to her. to someone. life is meaningless. it comes down to one moment. the green lines on the machine. you can take my heart. i don't need it anymore. not without you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

so here i am again. staring around this room. everything's changed. it's not so full anymore. like my heart. i'm redecorating. you might like this color. it's called hope. forgiveness. moving on. living. sometimes even learning to love again. i still get lonely without you. your laughter still haunts me. your eyes still follow me in my dreams. i try not to hold on too tightly. sometimes it works. sometimes it doesn't. sometimes i find myself crying over your grave. everything's changed. but i still miss you.

Deep in my heart

I hate words, they always fail me...and yet I struggle to make myself understood, to find the correct words to express how I feel. To make you understand. It's funny how when words are all you have, they become your best friend.

The shortest distance between two points is a straight line...but the shortest distance between two hearts is an undefined function...do the two endpoints realize that they are connected? Most likely not. Until you pencil in the line...trace it with a ruler...highlight it with red ink. Your ink has infected my heart...made it swell...made it brighter...filled in the cracks. You traced numbers in my skin and left me with nothing but your smell.

Always just out of reach...you infect my very soul.

Darkness Waking - 1

I've got a headache. Pushing open the door to a room filled with laughter and smoke mingled with music doesn't help much. It's too busy here..I should go home. Leaning against the door frame I sigh...nothing to go home to but an empty fridge and an emptier bed. I'm going to stay...even just to pretend that I'm not alone for a brief moment or two. Eyes dart around the room and find an empty stool in the middle of the bar along with the quickest route to it...or so I thought.

Dodging bodies..watching thick hands on soft skin...half these women in here wouldn't be getting all their attention if it were a little brighter and the alcohol not offered so readily. I can't fault them though...we're social creatures...even if we don't want to, we crave the connection another human being gives us...the touch..a look..a slight wave of breath on our skin. It carries us to the next moment. I twist like a dancer, weaving through the masses...can't avoid the drunks even when you want to....and he slammed right into me. The only thing that kept him from falling was his iron grip on my breasts. Reeling from the sudden contact and unable to process the fact that this .... person ... was groping me and drooling, I almost threw up on him. Thankfully, his drunken female companion came over and loudly whispered something about sucking him like a leech in the bathroom and took him away...I almost vomited again.

I shouted my drink order to the bartender before I even sat down and as my ass hit the stool I had the shot glass in hand, the liquid in my throat, and motioned for another. The second and third followed the first without much of a fight and while I let them get to know each other, I scanned the room.

The music is offensive, it smells like funky monkey ass in here, the men are either too short, too tall, too fat, too skinny, too creepy, too pretty, too...something, the women are desperate...as always, there's sex in the air and all you need is a Vegas chip, some silicon, or a hellalot of money to get so drunk you don't care.

The bartender is busy...and not what I'm looking for. He probably only does this to make money to pay his way through college...just like all the strippers...yeah, and I'm sure the sex he gets from random women every night dosen't hurt either. Nah, he's too smart...

Every other man in here is too drunk. That's what I get for taking so long to get here...I don't want anymore alcohol in my system than what I've already had. Drink too much and you'll be waking up beside them in the morning and they'll be spouting love poems while you're throwing on clothes and trying to find the words to say you only used them to fulfill a basic need and it wasn't anything spectacular anyway. No sir...I like my men out cold when I'm done. Easier to get away. No messy complications.

I need to move...I'm getting restless...I need a fix soon.

Touch Me Madly - 2

I'm done here...maybe I'll scan the grocery store for some late night meat. Unfortunately, I'd have to be charming and witty and the only thing I'm exuding is sex...hot...sweaty...pulsing through my veins...I need it...badly. Hard to calm down lately. Every year it gets harder. I let my head hang and grit my teeth until my jaw pops ... my heart slows enough and I feel safe enough to move. My hand drops to my bare thigh and the touch of skin on skin...even my own...starts my heart racing again. I probably should have put on some panties before I left but I love how the wind caresses up my legs in my favorite mini-skirt.

The room goes black and all noise gets filtered out except for the constant bass of the music and it pulses through my body, helping move my need from my fingers through my thighs. Suddenly I'm all alone in my head. Nothing else matters but the wetness between my legs. My left hand lightly runs its fingers across my exposed chest...slowly dipping into my cleavage and running back up to my neck and jaw. My right hand finds its way under my skirt. Its fingers tracing the crevice where my leg meets my hip. The thumb lightly flicking itself over my mound...searching for the warmth.

Somewhere in the back of my mind I see myself sitting on this dirty bar stool..head tilted to the right, eyes closed, biting my bottom lip...legs spread enough that the red skirt is pushed up almost to my waist...hand lost in the folds of skin and fabric...chest heaving..what am I thinking...

I've got to pull myself together and get a fix. I slowly remove my hands and straighten my outfit without opening my eyes. I know there's another drink in front of me... a 'thanks for the show' gift. I reach out and swallow its contents slowly, letting it bring me back to myself. My eyelashes flutter and open and as they do I see every male at the bar staring at me with longing. I flash a smirk at all of them, slide off the stool and walk seductively out of the now quiet bar.

I love how my body moves when I walk. Cloth on skin...thighs touching...wetness slowly dripping, waiting to be caught with a tongue...hips rocking side to side...back arched slightly to push out my breasts.

I know they're watching...and I eat it up..

How to Start Your Own Country

How to Start Your Own Country - wikiHow ((I mean seriously, who doesn't want their own nation?!))

Anyone can start their own country. That doesn't mean that people will recognize it, but hey, they generally won't stop you from trying--as long as they don't see it as a threat. So if you'd like to do your own thing in your own country, here's how to establish a micronation.

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Steps

1. Find territory for your micronation. Most micronationalists use their houses, land no one wants, or land on other planets. Some micronations exist on land unclaimed by other countries because of a loophole in a treaty. The Republic of Indian Stream, for example, is on land between the U.S. and Canada but is not under the jurisdiction of either because of ambiguous terms in the Treaty of Paris.^[1] If you can't find land, though, make some! One millionaire activist piled sand onto a reef located in the Pacific Ocean south of Fiji and created an artificial island to start the Republic of Minerva.^[2] But if you're not rich enough to make land, then just make it up--some of the more lighthearted micronations claim land on imaginary continents or planets.
2. Declare your independence. If you have land, a declaration of independence will serve to claim that territory. Keep in mind, however, that actually sending your declaration of independence to gain recognition can lead to legal or military action if anyone disputes that claim. For example, when The Republic of Minerva issued a declaration of independence in letters to neighboring countries, the neighbors were very perturbed, and one of the countries decided to send their people to the island to take down the Minervan flag.^[2] Besides, you can still function like an independent nation without actually declaring independence, like Taiwan does!^[3]
3. Set up a government and constitution. This is a good time to consider why you're starting a country, and how you would like it to turn out. Here are some examples:
   
   
   • recreating the past - e.g. Nova Roma, dedicated "to the restoration of classical Roman religion, culture and virtues"^[4]
   • just for fun - e.g. the Aerican Empire, based on strong senses of humour and a love of science fiction, fantasy, and games^[5]
   • to promote an agenda - e.g. Gay and Lesbian Kingdom of the Coral Sea Islands, on the uninhabited Coral Sea Islands off the coast of Queensland, in response to the Australian government's refusal to recognize same-sex marriage^[6]
4. Acquire citizens. You can have only yourself, if you want, or anyone who wants to join. Having a website, however, will help publicize your micronation to potential citizens around the world. You must also decide what you require of your citizens. Do they have to pass a test? Abide by certain laws? And what will they have to identify themselves as citizens of your country - A passport? Driver's license? Badge?
5. 
   

   
   

   Coat of arms for the Kingdom of Araucania and Patagonia
   Decide on symbols for your country. You should have a flag, a coat of arms, and any other way to represent yourself. If you want, you can turn an existing nation's flag upside-down so you don't have to sew one. Once you have symbols chosen, you can issue stamps, medals, and currency, if you'd like. Some micronations go as far as inventing their own culture and language. Of course, you might be content to create your own letterhead. After all, it's your country!

Tips

• If you want to stand a chance of being recognized, your country should have territory, a government, a permanent population, and be able to host diplomatic relations (the Montevideo Convention's requirements for statehood).
• Study existing and well-established micronations. What has led to their success? What can you learn from them?

Just me.

I am:
- just me...no more and no less
- old
- single (for god's sake, don't ask this cause it just proves to me that you're a dumbfuck!)
- a mother of 2 boys
- a college student (undergrad for the moment)
- intelligent
- uber awesome
- sarcastic
- overtly sexual
- more dirty minded than my father
- a strong believer in free love and condoms
- an amazingly strong person
- incredibly fragile
- resilient
- a horrific speller (god love spell-check!)
- a minister (weird huh?)
- not even 5'2"
- curvy
- beautiful
- a math ninja
- a failure at simple algebra
- a glorious nerd
- a collector of bumper stickers (ask me about my favorite ones...I may post some pics of them)
- a homebody who likes to get her freak on at the dance club!
- forgetful
- selfish
- jealous
- persistent
- sexy as hell
- a great conversationalist
- the gayest straight person you know ((thanks Victoria ;) ))
- hot for nerds
- a contradiction

I am not:
- your mother
- your ho/whore/bitch/skank etc. etc.
- for sale (unless your name is Victoria and my face has been between your boobs!)
- a good dancer
- a magnificent singer
- a genius
- a lesbian or bi-sexual even tho I really do appreciate the female body and all its beauty. I honestly just love dick...and I love it a lot...I promise!
- a wonderful cook, but I can read directions!

I have:
- a quick temper
- unending amounts of patience
- an uncanny ability to read people
- psychic powers ((ask me about them sometime))
- absolutely no direction sense whatsoever! I get lost in a brown paper bag with a neon sign that says "EXIT"
- amazing friends
- a brilliant mind
- a crazy sexy voice
- a great smile
- soft lips
- a nice ass
- big boobs! ((see, I do know it...you really don't have to tell me!!))
- a t-shirt obsession
- a weakness for topless guys
- no tolerance for stupidity ((none. Stupid people should be shot, it the head, at close range, before they reproduce. Seriously))
- no desire to be fucked in the ass
- a few kinks ((good luck finding those out))
- a sharp tongue
- a quick wit
- the ability to turn even the most mundane things sexual
- the ability to turn you on
- no desire to actually do it
- a daddy....I don't need you

I won't:
- fuck you
- suck you
- masturbate for you
- post any NSFW pics of me...or even anything that comes close
- give you my phone number
- give you my IM info
- automatically be your friend unless you interest me
- join your chat room just because you post a link in my comments
- eat brussel sprouts
- eat zucchini
- lie

I will:
- delete comments that I don't like
- delete ads in my comments
- make you laugh
- care deeply
- actually talk to you if you try
- enjoy life
- worry
- love without restriction
- look past the superficial
- be appreciative of your efforts
- be honest

So who are you?

Heartless

Is it that hard? To not look any further? To believe that I'm the next best thing? To know that the same fucking words you told her while you were talking to me, will get back to me and cut through my heart...tear it to shreds. Here, let me pick up the pieces so you can toss them in the shredder...oh wait, let's burn it too...then let wild animals eat the ashes.

I mean really...do I mean so little? Or are you hiding...from everyone? I don't give a shit about everyone else. Only myself...and myself is fucking fragile. Damnit watch your mouth!

It's a simple question really. Am I enough for you...is anyone...will I ever be...and in the meantime, could you at least pretend to respect my heart or just give it back to me. Maybe you weren't really worth it....yes you are...but I can't be the one if I'm not...not for you...so let me be the one for someone else....just be a man about it.

Fuck the letters

Number and words all blur together...the numbers are cold...calculating...without emotion. They know who they are, what they do, they have rules and identities and even when they're not real they're still important. A number is always the same...has the same value...the same purpose...letters and variables all bleed across the lines.

xy=q=sin(z)=f''(x)=whatthefuckdidireallymeantosay!?

you can't count on letters. they join together to form words and words are meaningless....one word can mean so many different things, inflection, posture, tilt of the head, form of the sentence ... you say the same words to me...to her...to him...to them....how, why...should I believe them...you?

1=1 and can NEVER = 4...until you throw those damn letters in there. Fuck the letters and the words and the variables. I want to see your numbers.

Unnumb....maybe.

Looking for happiness in my panties is a lost cause...my eyes see more action then they do.

Words are meaningless in the grand scale of things...but when words are all we have I'll cling to each and every one. I'll wrap each letter around my heart until I fell you breathing on my cheek. You make me want so many things I'd forgotten...my pulse gets quicker with the thought of you...you make me want you...but is it really you that I want, or a piece of my lost youth...to be loved deeply in return...to feel like I matter...to belong to someone...something....to be whole again.

Maybe I'm just looking for my place in life...would it be so bad if I were alone...would I ever be happy just watching you from the edge of the crowd...would I ever have the strength to walk away...would I even want to?

The angles of flesh are hard and jut in your face....here taste me...smell me...they scream...but they all feel the same....one scent blends into the next....can't tell where they meet...every arm, face, leg....meld together as one....I want to stand out...to scream at you .....

"This is madness.....please save me!"

but will you listen.....or will you hear what they do...my whisper is softer by the second...I want to be noticed..to be heard...to be important. I don't need you to justify my existence...but I do want you to enrich it....are you up to the challenge?

The end is not near enough...

One final down...5 more to go.../sigh. I really can't wait till next semester, no more writing!! If that doesn't scream orgasm I don't know what does. Seriously, I don't...any ideas?

So I got my frat letters on monday, very excited about that...forgot about the math club meeting yesterday, very bummed about that. I also got dirty santa'd, something I recomend to everyone several times in their life.

I have to ask...what is the thrill about posting nude photos of yourself online? I mean, seriously... what happened to saving a part of ourselves for our partner? Don't get me wrong, I don't mean saving our sex...I happen to be a firm believer in free love, but there's got to be something that's sacred.

So now I have men online begging me for nude photos, and getting pissy when I tell them it's not gonna happen...then they get even more pissy when I tell them I won't suck their dick...virtually or actually...ever...that's just gross...but meh, it's my own preference. It's definitely not something I would do for/to someone I just met.

Sometimes I wonder why I bother with the online life at all...and then I remember I have you and I feel all warm and fuzzy inside. --I wonder if it's a bad thing that I talk to myself like this?--