Heaven = Zombies + Pi: I hate

I hate being right all the time.
I hate being ignored.
I hate always being just friends.
I hate always being the strong one.
I hate being so god damned emotional.
I hate being so f'ing weak.
I hate being all alone in a crowded room.
I hate crying...really really really hate it.
I hate needing people.
I hate knowing I'm going to be alone the rest of my life.
I hate faking it.
I hate being vulnerable.
I hate not being able to give up.
I hate believing in love that's not meant for me.
I hate being patient.
I hate not being in control.
I hate not being needed.
I hate being selfish.
I hate not fitting in.
I hate being held at arms length.
I hate living in the past.
I hate that I don't know how not to.
I hate not knowing.
I hate not sleeping.
I hate that I can't give up.
I hate that I still see the good in people that hurt me the worst.
I hate not being more vindictive.
I hate that I can't see myself the way my son does.
I hate being so optimistic.
I hate being so kind.
I hate it when I'm mean and hateful.
I hate that I can't be kinder to myself.
I hate that I've cried the entire time I wrote this.
I really hate the holidays.
and sometimes .. I hate that I love you.

I'm sorry.

i am a little church

i am a little church(no great cathedral)
far from the splendor and squalor of hurrying cities
-i do not worry if briefer days grow briefest,
i am not sorry when sun and rain make april

my life is the life of the reaper and the sower;
my prayers are prayers of earth's own clumsily striving
(finding and losing and laughing and crying)children
whose any sadness or joy is my grief or my gladness

around me surges a miracle of unceasing
birth and glory and death and resurrection:
over my sleeping self float flaming symbols
of hope,and i wake to a perfect patience of mountains

i am a little church(far from the frantic
world with its rapture and anguish)at peace with nature
-i do not worry if longer nights grow longest;
i am not sorry when silence becomes singing

winter by spring,i lift my diminutive spire to
merciful Him Whose only now is forever:
standing erect in the deathless truth of His presence
(welcoming humbly His light and proudly His darkness)

-e.e. cummings

2 comments:

Anonymous Says: December 29, 2009 at 4:03 PM: Alison, please forgive the intrusion.

I don't know where your spirituality runs specifically but Pema Chodron's 'Practicing Peace in Times of War' has helped me deal with wounds that keep reopening.

Her approach is basic and direct, which eschews my introspective tendencies in favor of a more honest cognition.

Here's to hoping you find the love you deserve.
Alison Says: December 29, 2009 at 8:16 PM: I appreciate your words. This post was just a way for me to let go without exploding. This time of year is especially hard for me because of a lost friend. It'll be 11 years soon and sometimes it still hurts as much as it used to.

I'll look into that book. It sounds like something I would enjoy.

Heaven = Zombies + Pi

I hate

2 comments:

About Me

Visitors

Your Daily Dose of Awesome!

My Past Writing Projects

Witticisms

i am a little church

Blog Archive