Vulnerable

I don't know how.  Wouldn't it be perfect that that's what I've been missing all this time?  It seems like desperation to me.  "Look at me.  Love me.  I can't live without your approval."  I'm sorry but I know the world doesn't revolve around me.

Am I scared?  Petrified even.  I won't show you though.  I don't know how to let anyone in that much.  Vulnerability is a feminine trait.  Does it make me less desirable because I don't need your validation?

And even now, I can't find the words to express what I feel.  I hate this because I'm probably just being selfish anyway.

I hate

I hate being right all the time.
I hate being ignored.
I hate always being just friends.
I hate always being the strong one.
I hate being so god damned emotional.
I hate being so f'ing weak.
I hate being all alone in a crowded room.
I hate crying...really really really hate it.
I hate needing people.
I hate knowing I'm going to be alone the rest of my life.
I hate faking it.
I hate being vulnerable.
I hate not being able to give up.
I hate believing in love that's not meant for me.
I hate being patient.
I hate not being in control.
I hate not being needed.
I hate being selfish.
I hate not fitting in.
I hate being held at arms length.
I hate living in the past.
I hate that I don't know how not to.
I hate not knowing.
I hate not sleeping.
I hate that I can't give up.
I hate that I still see the good in people that hurt me the worst.
I hate not being more vindictive.
I hate that I can't see myself the way my son does.
I hate being so optimistic.
I hate being so kind.
I hate it when I'm mean and hateful.
I hate that I can't be kinder to myself.
I hate that I've cried the entire time I wrote this.
I really hate the holidays.
and sometimes .. I hate that I love you.

I'm sorry.