To Teach or Not to Teach?

Sadly, that is a question I'm going to have to ask myself very soon.  I don't want to.  Really really really don't want to.  But I may have to...at least to supplement my income this semester.  I also don't want to stay up very much longer.

I was pretty productive today, though I hate hate hate spending all that money at once.  Maybe I'll get another cup of tea and then go to bed....or maybe I'll just go to bed.  Yeah, I like that idea.  Not sure what my plans are for tomorrow except at some point I need to hit the gym.  Operation Drastic Measures is finishing up day 1 and it wasn't so bad.  I made a decision to finish of the half of a bottle of coke I had left over from yesterday (like 10 oz or something) but other than that I had water all day.  I also had 2 pieces of pizza for dinner but I didn't feel disgustingly fat afterwards so that's good.  I hope tomorrow turns out to be as good as far as my decisions go...I also hope I can get myself to the gym.  I think that's the biggest issue for me right now.

As usual, I had several things to say when I started writing this but now it all seems so meaningless, so I'm just gonna sod off.

Vacation day #3

Had a great day with my sister and her family.  The girls are getting so big and my brother-in-law is as much of a dork as ever lol.  We went to Chuck E Cheese's for lunch and the kids had a blast.  Towards the end though, I got really weak and dizzy so when we came home I took a quick cat nap on their very lovely new couch.   When I got up, my sister and I went out to eat dinner while her husband stayed with the kids.  It was really nice to have a good ol' cajun meal again.  I had some stuffed mushrooms, boudin balls, and a ribeye with shrimp etouffe over it.  The waitress was pretty slow though and I kept having to wait for drink refills.  All in all it was a great dinner.  I miss having conversations with my sister.

Also, it looks like everyone will be out for my graduation.  They're even talking about flying my brother's daughter and her mom out.  We might actually have everyone together for a family reunion-type thing!

Well, it's late and I need to get in bed.  My sister's promised me biscuits and gravy in the morning!  Oh, and it turns out that tomorrow is the last day for the Star Wars exhibit at the science museum here...oh yes, I'm going!!

/nerdgasm.

Nah...

It's been almost two months since I posted anything and I feel like I should say something.  Unfortunately I'm so darned busy I don't have time to do so.  Maybe this weekend...

Vulnerable

I don't know how.  Wouldn't it be perfect that that's what I've been missing all this time?  It seems like desperation to me.  "Look at me.  Love me.  I can't live without your approval."  I'm sorry but I know the world doesn't revolve around me.

Am I scared?  Petrified even.  I won't show you though.  I don't know how to let anyone in that much.  Vulnerability is a feminine trait.  Does it make me less desirable because I don't need your validation?

And even now, I can't find the words to express what I feel.  I hate this because I'm probably just being selfish anyway.

The Journey

So here's something new. I'm going to purge my body of all the junk. The idea is sound, but I doubt I have the willpower.

Here's the plan. Sunday through Tuesday I'll eat broth and extremely light soups (if I get too weak) and then Wednesday through Saturday I'll reintroduce food into my system by way of vegetarianism. I've bought cookbooks. I've bought a small journal to keep with me so that I can record my thoughts/feelings and weight through all of this. I'm making plans to blog about it (notice the new section on the right here titled "The Journey").

The problem? I'm famous for great ideas that I never follow through on. Plus, I love love love eating food that's bad for me. I live outside my body. When I pass a mirror and see myself, it shocks me because that's not who I picture myself to be. It's not just the weight, it's other things like my facial structure and how I smile. I don't think I'm ugly or look bad...it's just a shock to see myself through someone else's eyes.

Maybe I can start being healthy now? I'm starting this Sunday. During our meditation time at church, I'm going to pray about it. Try and get a clearer picture of how this will work. I feel like there's a big change for me just over the horizon, I just need a push.

Anyway, I know there's only 2 people who read this, but it's always good to get a plan of action down and have someone holding you accountable ... right?

Guess What?!

Chicken butt haha!!

Ok, seriously though. I was pretty productive today. Rescheduled an appointment with my new landlord, added the new class, went to the doctor, ran to the store, had lunch with Victoria, went to the leech's basketball game, oh...and got a job interview with the government. Granted it's only a temporary job with the Census but I'll take it. I think it'll fit in nicely with my statistics hopes. Go me! :D

The doctor appointment went ... horrible I think. He gave me another round of anti-inflammatories and told me to do physical therapy 4 days a week for 4 weeks. He still insists it's just a pulled muscle. If this doesn't work, I'm going to eat him.

I've got a head cold that just won't go away either and I feel like I could sleep for a week. Ugh!!

Where you are is just where you're supposed to be...I promise.

Today's sermon was special to me because John talked about helping others who had less than you. It's, of course, right in the holiday spirit..but it's not just about that one moment of the year. It's about taking care of each other throughout the entire year. I also think I've decided where I want to start my activism...now if only I can get John to tell me who I need to talk to about it lol.

I also found a new favorite singer, Susan Werner thanks to John. He's got a song of her's on his blog with today's sermon. Love it.

Other than that, what's been going on? I've been avoiding the unavoidable. Finals are tomorrow and what have I been doing all weekend? Everything but study *sigh*. I'm terrible about this. I'll just wait till tomorrow and cram it all in. That always works right? No...but I still haven't learned yet. Oh well, for better or worse, the majority of it will be over tomorrow. Then I just have to spend Tuesday finishing up my take-home. Oh, and I'm wearing my pj's to my final tomorrow at 8am ... ugh!

I really felt the need to write something...well...more, I guess. More inspirational. More deep. More thought provoking. But I'm failing at that as well. So I s'pose I'll go tweeze my other eyebrow, watch a show on Hulu, and hopefully get to sleep early enough that I can wake up around 6 and eat breakfast/cram a little before the final.

I do hope everyone's had a good weekend.

I don't need another hero

So I've been thinking (stop laughing) ... and I think maybe I'm going about this the wrong way. Maybe instead of looking for a hero, I should be looking for a compliment. When I find the hero-type, he gets put above me. His needs supersede mine, his wants and desires become my own. I effectively get lost in him and lose sight of 'me'. I think that's what happened to me over the years. I never took the time to redefine who I was. I never reached down deep and reconnected with my center.

I've always been comfortable for the most part about where I was going, and while I might have had doubts about my path and looked on the past fondly (I'm good at blacking out the bad parts), I've never wanted to turn around and go home. No matter how scared I was. I've always been a 'look forward with your chin high' kinda person. However, I've become stuck inside myself. Feeling kinda trapped and while I find comfort in the routines that have come to shape my daily life, I'm screaming inside...trying to break free of these useless and asinine habits that aren't getting me anywhere!

I have a need to make a mark on this world, but I'm scared I think. There's so much that I can and want to do but where do I start? I'm afraid of getting overwhelmed. Actually, what it boils down to at the core of it all is love. I want to love and be loved. That might be selfish of me but I feel like, while I may not have a specific skill set to offer society, I've got plenty of love to go around. I have a story to tell. I have wisdom learned and experience gained. I hope to one day have the appropriate words to be able to express myself properly.

I wonder if my life story will be that light in the darkness for someone...or will it just contribute to their darkness...and does it really matter in the grand scheme of things? I mean, I'm only one person with only one minuscule moment of life compared to the great and powerful universe. If I give my all, will it fade away into the infinitness of existence and make as much of a ripple as if I had given nothing at all?

I honestly don't know. But, I can trust in my actions and that my motivations are for the greater good...and hope. I can cling to hope for you and me and she and we and everything and nothing all at once. I breathe hope infused air...even through my tears, there's hope. When I'm broken and beaten and bruised and tired of fighting...hope is the pillow that comforts me and the walls around me that shelter me from the storm. Hope is the very essence of love and the two are so intertwined that I can't see that you can have one without the other. How can you honestly love your neighbor if you can't honestly hope for the best for them?

Hope is what gives me strength to have faith in something bigger than me. Faith is what keeps me getting up every morning to face the day. Faith in the human race gives me the strength to love...no matter what.

I hope you don't mind.


[All the children say, "We don't need another hero.
We don't need to know the way home.
All we want is life beyond the thunder-dome."

So what do we do with our lives?
We leave only a mark.
Will our story shine like a light
Or end in the dark? Is it all or nothing?]

-excerpt from We Don't Need Another Hero by Tina Turner-

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

~Oriah Mountain Dreamer~

Changes

Life is all about changes. Everywhere you look things change, before your very eyes. No matter what you try to do to stop it. Oh sure, it might seem like for one fleeting moment you've managed to stop it. Turn your back, and it laughs at you and does what it wants.


Mmmm, I love me some Dexter.