An act of faith in the infinity of Godhead.

There are many paths, and mine is but one.
I will follow it as best I can.
I will not say that I am right and others wrong,
Only that I will try to do what is right for me.
The light of the sun falls on the whole Earth;
It does not shine exclusively for my benefit.
If I can see it from where I stand,
So others can see it from where they are.
But, if there are others who wish to walk beside me,
I will help them if they ask.
If there are others who do not see a way,
I will offer mine.
If my path is theirs, I will rejoice...
But if it is not, I will not sorrow.
For the Universe is infinite.

-I've had this reading for a very long time. I didn't write this, but sadly I can't find out who did.-

I don't need another hero

So I've been thinking (stop laughing) ... and I think maybe I'm going about this the wrong way. Maybe instead of looking for a hero, I should be looking for a compliment. When I find the hero-type, he gets put above me. His needs supersede mine, his wants and desires become my own. I effectively get lost in him and lose sight of 'me'. I think that's what happened to me over the years. I never took the time to redefine who I was. I never reached down deep and reconnected with my center.

I've always been comfortable for the most part about where I was going, and while I might have had doubts about my path and looked on the past fondly (I'm good at blacking out the bad parts), I've never wanted to turn around and go home. No matter how scared I was. I've always been a 'look forward with your chin high' kinda person. However, I've become stuck inside myself. Feeling kinda trapped and while I find comfort in the routines that have come to shape my daily life, I'm screaming inside...trying to break free of these useless and asinine habits that aren't getting me anywhere!

I have a need to make a mark on this world, but I'm scared I think. There's so much that I can and want to do but where do I start? I'm afraid of getting overwhelmed. Actually, what it boils down to at the core of it all is love. I want to love and be loved. That might be selfish of me but I feel like, while I may not have a specific skill set to offer society, I've got plenty of love to go around. I have a story to tell. I have wisdom learned and experience gained. I hope to one day have the appropriate words to be able to express myself properly.

I wonder if my life story will be that light in the darkness for someone...or will it just contribute to their darkness...and does it really matter in the grand scheme of things? I mean, I'm only one person with only one minuscule moment of life compared to the great and powerful universe. If I give my all, will it fade away into the infinitness of existence and make as much of a ripple as if I had given nothing at all?

I honestly don't know. But, I can trust in my actions and that my motivations are for the greater good...and hope. I can cling to hope for you and me and she and we and everything and nothing all at once. I breathe hope infused air...even through my tears, there's hope. When I'm broken and beaten and bruised and tired of fighting...hope is the pillow that comforts me and the walls around me that shelter me from the storm. Hope is the very essence of love and the two are so intertwined that I can't see that you can have one without the other. How can you honestly love your neighbor if you can't honestly hope for the best for them?

Hope is what gives me strength to have faith in something bigger than me. Faith is what keeps me getting up every morning to face the day. Faith in the human race gives me the strength to love...no matter what.

I hope you don't mind.


[All the children say, "We don't need another hero.
We don't need to know the way home.
All we want is life beyond the thunder-dome."

So what do we do with our lives?
We leave only a mark.
Will our story shine like a light
Or end in the dark? Is it all or nothing?]

-excerpt from We Don't Need Another Hero by Tina Turner-

*smiles*

Today has been a good day. I got some studying done. I worked on something I'm not supposed to talk about so pretend I just didn't say that. I spent some wonderful and surprising time with Bob the Bird. My son ate all his dinner. I finished the tray of baklava that I bought the other day so it can't tempt me anymore!

It's late and I should get some sleep...heck, I can't even type correctly right now lol :/

I just wanted to say that...well I know I'm terribly oblivious to everything and I'm sorry. I try not to be but it's so easy to get lost in my own little world. I have a few friends that I come out for but ... if I ask you if you're ok and you tell me yes ... please don't be mad when I believe you. I trust that you'll always be honest with me and that you'll tell me if you need me. Granted, I kinda fail sometimes at the whole noticing the obvious thing (see beginning of paragraph) but please be patient. I'm still trying to figure out who I am....and that requires stepping outside of my bubble. Which is not something that's easy for me to do.

I'm struggling to find my place in this world. I mean, I know I'm walking the correct path and I'm definitely enjoying the journey to whatever destination I may be headed towards but...well I'm trying to figure out what the scenery looks like and if I like it or not. It's kinda like someone who is one way their whole life only to find out they had a brain tumor. When it gets removed they don't think anything will change until they start back into their old habits like, eating fries with ketchup. That's when they realize, they don't really like ketchup on their fries, they like mustard.

I feel like I've gone through a significant portion of my life blind to who I am. Living and acting according to the way other people believed me to be and not even really realizing it. So this is me trying to figure 'me' out.

I've come to realize that I enjoy having a higher power that I recognize. I feel so much better now, being able to give him/her/it a name...the 'Cosmic Christ' if you will. I enjoy going to church and look forward to being able to be more active in it. I feel like I've missed out on so much by not having gone to church before. I also know that my friends who knew me before I started going to church are standing there scratching their heads and going "what in the world is she on?" But it's ok.

I'm a fish in the water, flowing with tides of life, struggling against the cross currents that try to get me off track. I know that the more currents that cross me, the stronger my muscles become from overcoming them, so that each subsequent current is just that much easier to swim through. One day I'll be doing flips over those currents before they even get close. Look ma'...no hands!