Negligable

so they don't understand....why the crimson sky is now green. why to lights have shimmered out to a pale orange and then nothing. why her tears never stop. the pain is silly some say. silly, pointless, unnecessary, but real. it's not a new thing, crying. her eyes itch for an eternity. maybe a lump in her throat she can't swallow. the tears are a welcome release. one lone trailblazer trickles down her cheek and hangs precious seconds before release from her jaw. nothing new really. but the pain in her chest. caused by his tongue, mouth, hands, feet. she should laugh at him really. no sense does he make. but the words...cut through her armor....one at a time. make her doubt. make her wonder. she wants to close her eyes and forget. the pain from his touches and words. it just gets worse. sounds echo in her head. all she hears now...you're not worthy, you're ugly, you're fat, you're stupid, you don't deserve anything....and she cries. she wonders.

I'm here to tell you something. You are worth it, you're beautiful, you're brilliant, and you will forget about him. He's going to go through life looking back and wondering what happened to you. Cursing himself for not keeping you. He's going to be the one to cry.

I'm sorry he hurt you.

Turbulence

The planets are out of alignment or something.  Maybe someone pissed in my cheerios the last week...except that I don't eat cheerios so there goes that theory.

I'm sitting here making ghost-pops for homecoming tomorrow...I'm doing this alone while the other group members are off doing god knows what with god knows who.  There are a lot of lollipops and I'm low on Kleenex.  Which means that they'll be by late to bring me more tissues, help me make the rest of the pops and then leave.  Which means I'll be up till god know when yet again...and I don't even have an exam in the morning. 

Tomorrow I've promised 4 of us to help another group at homecoming...I don't even know if we'll have enough to sit at our own booth. 

I don't really know what's wrong with me lately...maybe my time of the month except I don't have those anymore...I'm feeling super pissy about every little thing.  I don't feel like I'm getting enough help with anything from anybody.  I almost am starting to feel overwhelm because when I do get a little bit of free time I should be making phone calls and scheduling classes to make some money but all I want to do is throw myself on the bed and hide from the world.  I was even pissy at the bug today, and he doesn't deserve it at all.

I tried to surround myself with friends and that's fine for a little while, but honestly I'm just faking it.  I don't want to be around them.  I want to be around my online friends and joke and laugh and word spar for hours.  I want to stay up until 4am and then sleep in until I feel like getting up out of bed.  But that's not gonna happen....not even close.

So I guess I'll play a little Jason Mraz, feel a little lonely, wallow in self-pity for a regulated amount of time and then go to bed.  That should do the trick....right?


"Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I haven't tried."  ~Mae West

Being Poor

Being Poor

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The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

~Oriah Mountain Dreamer~

It burns...

My eyes are burning and I have no idea what I'm doing up at this hour... I lied, I know why. It's because it's Friday and I didn't have anything scheduled to do tonight and I felt lost. So instead of cracking open a book to study for midterms next week, I've decided to seer my eyeballs to the screen of my laptop.

I actually had every intention of sloughing off completely and playing a little bit of SWG but that didn't work out the way I planned. I ended up doing work for the group.... and yet I'm sure I missed something...I need to get my notepad out and start writing things down again. Just having my calendar online isn't enough apparently. I wish it were more portable.

I love my fabulous Wolverine doll....but...he smells funny. Like a combination of funny weed, alcohol, cigarettes, half dried blood, and ass. I guess that's a work hazard. He's an amazing person. I love him to pieces. God love Otaku for dating him.

I've been thinking in numbers lately....and random vocabulary words, like ahimsa and moksa (sp?) and puja. Wondering if Dr. F. will ever get tired of all the disrespect those kids give him and tell them to shut the f up....or will I snap first? My heart goes out to him. He's an awesome teacher, but these kids have no respect anymore...

I'm definately not taking BIO with the same teacher next semester. This guy is quite off his rocker if I may be so bold. He makes my skin crawl....aside from that, he's a pretty decent teacher...God love my drag queen for giving me his notes - and desktop photos and other random things I spy on his computer lol.

Anatomy...I'd be insane to take it again next semester with the same teacher....but once you have one teacher you get used to them....but dangit he's got so much we have to know...and it's all over the place!

I miss my girls...they got to go to pidgeon forge without me. I hate being broke.

I hate that my mother is in a completely different state, living in her car, no job, no home, no money and I don't have any money to be able to help her.

Changes

Life is all about changes. Everywhere you look things change, before your very eyes. No matter what you try to do to stop it. Oh sure, it might seem like for one fleeting moment you've managed to stop it. Turn your back, and it laughs at you and does what it wants.


Mmmm, I love me some Dexter.