It's 2010

Last year went really good. It started out good and it built up steamy goodness until the middle of November when my world just came crashing down around me when he said goodbye. From then on it's been a daily struggle to just make it through to the next day. I think I've managed it pretty well actually.

I'm sitting here, on the first day of the new year, with an odd calm around me. I just got done telling someone that he shouldn't settle for me just because he's lonely. How I feel about him is neither here nor there. I refuse to put my heart in the care of someone unless I'm certain that he's willing to take care of it .. and is ok with the baggage I'm bringing. Thanks to my ex, I now worry about my significant other being faithful and if I'll ever be enough for someone and lots of other random things that no man should have to deal with unless they are the cause of it. It's not fair to anyone.

So while I'm healing my heart and my soul I hope that eventually there is someone out there who wants me for who I am and will let me love them in the special way that I do. Wholly and without reservations. Someone who will help heal my trust issues with patience and understanding. Someone who actually deserves me.

One day...I'm hopeful. But for now, I'll just count my blessings, be thankful for my friends, and work on fixing myself.

<3

4am...yet again

So I'm going to try and sleep now. Tomorrow (today) is going to be nice. I get my godson for the night and Vic and I are going to just rent some movies and cook dinner and hang out at her house with the kids for NYE. Did I use too many 'ands'? Too bad. I should dig around in my cookbook and see if I can find something new to fix.

Going to see my sister for the first time in a couple of years in 14 days. I can't wait. Of course, classes start up again at the same time and I'm taking a 5 day weekend to go see her but oh well. I need to see my baby sister and my girls.

I really have nothing else to say right now. I'm thinking of creating another blog for my Star Wars characters. I post journal entries for them on a forum but I think it'd be fun to stick them in a real blog. Plus that way you can read all the exciting stuff that's going on in the game... lol.

Ok, I've deflected enough. I'm going to bed.

PS. today was pretty good...aside from my bowels deciding that I was going to be sick for a few hours.

Merry Hogswatch

It's after 4:30am and I'm still not asleep. I told the leech he could wake me up at 10...ugh...on top of, I found one present that didn't get wrapped. I should do that quickly.

I heart this band...you should heart it too.

Done...but not quite!

Presents are wrapped woooo! I did it while the leech was outside playing cause I'm sneaky like that. He's still contagious so he'll be staying home tonight and not joining me for service. Which makes me a little sad because Victoria won't be here either :( .

Sent Bob the email...everything's good. Tho I think I'm over thinking things again as usual lol. Thankfully he'll tell me so and everything will go back to normal. I blame the hormones....which btw, I'm on day 4 and no major side effects still! Very glad my face hasn't decided to break out again.

I did my core workout last night but skipped the Tai Chi...it was like after 4am when I finally got to the first part of my workout and I was exhausted. Sadly I couldn't fall asleep till almost 6:30 :/ . Gonna try and get to bed a little early tonight. Maybe make the leech some pancakes for breakfast tomorrow. Careful, the world might stop spinning if I do it lol!

Procrastination!!!!

I do this every year. I wait until Christmas Eve to wrap the presents...and then I end up staying up way too late which means I sleep longer and make the kids wait to wake me up lol. I'm so evil. Thankfully they understand and are happy with their stockings. Plus we compromise. They're not allowed to wake me up before 9am.

I'm exhausted. I haven't done my workout. I ate 5 chocolate covered cherries today. I'm sitting here listening to music and trolling some forums. I'm also hoping that the leech will feel better by xmas. Oh, right...he's got bronchitis. We were at the doctor's office today. 4 days of antibiotics and steroids. He's actually been quiet tonight. No coughing. I hope that means he's getting better. Poor thing has been coughing painfully for the last month. Maybe I'll make my stuffed mushrooms and oreo pie tomorrow to keep me busy. I won't be able to go to Rachel's house for xmas dinner but hopefully the leech'll be feeling better the day after and we can go then. I miss my extra kids!

So here's a thought. I was playing SWG today and made a new RP friend. The role play wandered the way it wanted and my character ended up on his character's ship for a little virtual sin-making. Not that I have a problem with that...but, well it's gotten me thinking. I've never been in any intimate RP situation with anyone but Bob the Bird, and well...I know Bob and I aren't together but..it seems weird to be doing something like that with someone else. Granted I don't go all out and into deep details with it. I'm pretty quick to fade to black when it seems like that's the path the RP will take. Still tho, it almost feels like I'm cheating on Bob, which is right silly I know.

At the same time...I don't want to limit my RP just because I feel like that. I have other characters that aren't tied intimately to any of Bob's and if I limit them in any way, then I feel like I might be missing out on something. There's just got to be a way to go about this without hurting any feelings or making anyone jealous/upset. Not that he would be...hell, I don't even know how he feels anymore. Maybe I should ask him...except that I don't want him to think we're having one of those conversations after all these years. I happen to enjoy our friendship and things get complicated and uncomfortable when you start dragging up old feelings and stuff.

On the other hand...I am on hormones right now so it's quite possible that I'm just over thinking all this and he'd tell me I was being silly. Maybe I'll send him an email since he's away on xmas vacation.

Then after that I'm gonna do my work out and go to bed. I promise!!! :D

Lateness

I'm still alive. I know you were worried. It's ok, you can breathe now. I just needed to lock myself up and hide for a couple of days after finals. Grades weren't terrible but of course I could have done better.

Got a new exercise mat so I can start doing my core training again. It's nice and thick. My abs hate me but they'll get over it. Did my Tai Chi tonight. My arms and legs are shaky and sore and I'm exhausted so I'm going to bed cause it's after 1:30am. Let's see how long I can keep this up eh?

Got the Christmas shopping for the leech done last week while he was in school. I hate that I couldn't afford more :/ Oh well, he's getting a computer in January probably. Hummingbird is going to get a *********....if he can manage to stop getting suspended from school!

Side note: I had actually put what he was going to get instead of the ***** but then I realized, he might actually read this so I replaced it with the asterisks just in case.

I'm going to bed now. Love to all!