Look...a post...

and it's not on a fence...

I'm not big on the whole blogging thing...I can go weeks and months without putting anything down. I'm not a fan of words. Which actually kinda sucks since we need them to talk...who knew?? I feel....lost...like I'm walking around in a cloud that's keeping me from my daily life. I should have been studying all day but I only found enough motivation to get my book and notes together and stack them neatly in a pile. Yesterday I had someone to talk to, and a book to read, and a plan to spend today studying...today, I have nothing but a deep sadness and a unsettling feeling of being so very alone. I hate it.

Ok, I need to stop being so damned pitiful...I'm going to try to study now. Not that you care or anything, right?

If it kills me.

Time is an elusive, tangible evil....it teases you with its closeness then jumps back and laughs at how far away it really is...because no matter how close it is, it's never close enough...until it is...but when it is, oh how my heart will sing...to be with you, wrapped up in your arms, home...finally.

My heart wants to skip a beat when you come near...my nose wants to become intoxicated with your smell...my tongue wants to be intimate with your taste...my skin tingles to become one with yours.

I never realized how empty my bed was until I met you....I wonder if time is enjoying this 10 day tease???

My dear sweet Coraline...

....you really know how to blow, tho it's too bad you don't swallow...I might actually have gotten my money's worth.

I can't really complain since the wives and kid enjoyed it. Oh the things one does to keep your significant others happy....

What have you done lately??

Masturbation

so why is it that it feels better when you're sick/intoxicated or otherwise not feeling normal?

I think I masturbate more when I'm sick than I do the rest of the year....

I'll be in my bunk.

Things to do at work..

I'm a very private person when it comes to sex...do it in the privacy of your own home and all that jazz, well at least not on video or anything.

There's this thing that's been on my mind for awhile now...and I'm really wanting to try it, but I'm too much of a chicken lol.

I wanna have sex at work. Not just boring ol' on the desk sex. I'm talking, up against the glass windows so that the blinds get squished and everyone outside can see your hand ride up my thigh and under my skirt, take a few steps to the next wall and pin me too it so close that I have to breathe through your mouth, rip my top open so buttons go flying as you push me down on top of the desk and frantically pushing things away so I don't get stabbed with scissors, fuck me so hard I can't be quiet and your boss walks in on us but can't do anything but stand there and stare while the rest of the office is looking over his shoulder.

That's the kinda sex I want....just thought I'd throw that out there

Something....maybe?

i'm tired...and sore...and hungry...and worn to the bone with weariness...wishing i was a little more selfish...oh wait...i am he said...irrationally...what does that mean...show me the numbers...here let me throw them up in your face for you....you see the curve of this two...the hard lines of this seven...that's my heart...on my sleeve...the fullness of this eight...my love...the sharp corners of that four...you...and all with downward motion...wont let my love settle and i'm not skilled enough to sink it in your trenches....to over flow you into a nine...so give me that pencil...i need the eraser to fix me...to change my lines into something you'll like better...excuse me while i bleed tears...

Cardboard Smiles

stay awake for me...leave your eyes open...let's find this moment together....leave her at the door...i'll put my doubts and fears in her pocket for safe keeping...this is what matters...you...me...maybe one day i'll start to believe i matter to someone....would you mind helping me tonight....maybe it's just me...maybe i'm the flawed one...maybe I shouldn't have used the mask on the back of the cereal box..they never last long in the rain...

The stark white walls of my mind

so i'm staring around the room and it's full of people. you're here somewhere. i'm sure of it. you have to be. my heart wouldn't lie to me...would it? trying to walk through life but no one moves out of the way. guess this is what invisible feels like. the air so thick. laughter travels slowly across the street. thought i heard your voice. thought i smelled you. thought your heart was calling to me. i see your hand. reaching for me from around a corner. or is that the doctor.

the red of the vending machine is too bright. need to turn off the light. someone make the squeaking stop. rubber on linoleum. metal on metal. doors clicking open. slamming closed. monitors beeping. steady beep beep. turning our hearts into nothing but lines on a screen. someone talking. to me. to her. to someone. life is meaningless. it comes down to one moment. the green lines on the machine. you can take my heart. i don't need it anymore. not without you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

so here i am again. staring around this room. everything's changed. it's not so full anymore. like my heart. i'm redecorating. you might like this color. it's called hope. forgiveness. moving on. living. sometimes even learning to love again. i still get lonely without you. your laughter still haunts me. your eyes still follow me in my dreams. i try not to hold on too tightly. sometimes it works. sometimes it doesn't. sometimes i find myself crying over your grave. everything's changed. but i still miss you.

Deep in my heart

I hate words, they always fail me...and yet I struggle to make myself understood, to find the correct words to express how I feel. To make you understand. It's funny how when words are all you have, they become your best friend.

The shortest distance between two points is a straight line...but the shortest distance between two hearts is an undefined function...do the two endpoints realize that they are connected? Most likely not. Until you pencil in the line...trace it with a ruler...highlight it with red ink. Your ink has infected my heart...made it swell...made it brighter...filled in the cracks. You traced numbers in my skin and left me with nothing but your smell.

Always just out of reach...you infect my very soul.

Darkness Waking - 1

I've got a headache. Pushing open the door to a room filled with laughter and smoke mingled with music doesn't help much. It's too busy here..I should go home. Leaning against the door frame I sigh...nothing to go home to but an empty fridge and an emptier bed. I'm going to stay...even just to pretend that I'm not alone for a brief moment or two. Eyes dart around the room and find an empty stool in the middle of the bar along with the quickest route to it...or so I thought.

Dodging bodies..watching thick hands on soft skin...half these women in here wouldn't be getting all their attention if it were a little brighter and the alcohol not offered so readily. I can't fault them though...we're social creatures...even if we don't want to, we crave the connection another human being gives us...the touch..a look..a slight wave of breath on our skin. It carries us to the next moment. I twist like a dancer, weaving through the masses...can't avoid the drunks even when you want to....and he slammed right into me. The only thing that kept him from falling was his iron grip on my breasts. Reeling from the sudden contact and unable to process the fact that this .... person ... was groping me and drooling, I almost threw up on him. Thankfully, his drunken female companion came over and loudly whispered something about sucking him like a leech in the bathroom and took him away...I almost vomited again.

I shouted my drink order to the bartender before I even sat down and as my ass hit the stool I had the shot glass in hand, the liquid in my throat, and motioned for another. The second and third followed the first without much of a fight and while I let them get to know each other, I scanned the room.

The music is offensive, it smells like funky monkey ass in here, the men are either too short, too tall, too fat, too skinny, too creepy, too pretty, too...something, the women are desperate...as always, there's sex in the air and all you need is a Vegas chip, some silicon, or a hellalot of money to get so drunk you don't care.

The bartender is busy...and not what I'm looking for. He probably only does this to make money to pay his way through college...just like all the strippers...yeah, and I'm sure the sex he gets from random women every night dosen't hurt either. Nah, he's too smart...

Every other man in here is too drunk. That's what I get for taking so long to get here...I don't want anymore alcohol in my system than what I've already had. Drink too much and you'll be waking up beside them in the morning and they'll be spouting love poems while you're throwing on clothes and trying to find the words to say you only used them to fulfill a basic need and it wasn't anything spectacular anyway. No sir...I like my men out cold when I'm done. Easier to get away. No messy complications.

I need to move...I'm getting restless...I need a fix soon.

Touch Me Madly - 2

I'm done here...maybe I'll scan the grocery store for some late night meat. Unfortunately, I'd have to be charming and witty and the only thing I'm exuding is sex...hot...sweaty...pulsing through my veins...I need it...badly. Hard to calm down lately. Every year it gets harder. I let my head hang and grit my teeth until my jaw pops ... my heart slows enough and I feel safe enough to move. My hand drops to my bare thigh and the touch of skin on skin...even my own...starts my heart racing again. I probably should have put on some panties before I left but I love how the wind caresses up my legs in my favorite mini-skirt.

The room goes black and all noise gets filtered out except for the constant bass of the music and it pulses through my body, helping move my need from my fingers through my thighs. Suddenly I'm all alone in my head. Nothing else matters but the wetness between my legs. My left hand lightly runs its fingers across my exposed chest...slowly dipping into my cleavage and running back up to my neck and jaw. My right hand finds its way under my skirt. Its fingers tracing the crevice where my leg meets my hip. The thumb lightly flicking itself over my mound...searching for the warmth.

Somewhere in the back of my mind I see myself sitting on this dirty bar stool..head tilted to the right, eyes closed, biting my bottom lip...legs spread enough that the red skirt is pushed up almost to my waist...hand lost in the folds of skin and fabric...chest heaving..what am I thinking...

I've got to pull myself together and get a fix. I slowly remove my hands and straighten my outfit without opening my eyes. I know there's another drink in front of me... a 'thanks for the show' gift. I reach out and swallow its contents slowly, letting it bring me back to myself. My eyelashes flutter and open and as they do I see every male at the bar staring at me with longing. I flash a smirk at all of them, slide off the stool and walk seductively out of the now quiet bar.

I love how my body moves when I walk. Cloth on skin...thighs touching...wetness slowly dripping, waiting to be caught with a tongue...hips rocking side to side...back arched slightly to push out my breasts.

I know they're watching...and I eat it up..

How to Start Your Own Country

How to Start Your Own Country - wikiHow ((I mean seriously, who doesn't want their own nation?!))

Anyone can start their own country. That doesn't mean that people will recognize it, but hey, they generally won't stop you from trying--as long as they don't see it as a threat. So if you'd like to do your own thing in your own country, here's how to establish a micronation.

Save on Flag Frames Here Prices Start at $22.00. Save up to 70% off Retail Prices. www.framesbymail.com

Country Flag Search multiple engines at once for country flag webcrawler.com/country_flag

Sealand Everything to do with Sealand items. Yahoo.com

Hide these ads - Why?

Steps

1. Find territory for your micronation. Most micronationalists use their houses, land no one wants, or land on other planets. Some micronations exist on land unclaimed by other countries because of a loophole in a treaty. The Republic of Indian Stream, for example, is on land between the U.S. and Canada but is not under the jurisdiction of either because of ambiguous terms in the Treaty of Paris.^[1] If you can't find land, though, make some! One millionaire activist piled sand onto a reef located in the Pacific Ocean south of Fiji and created an artificial island to start the Republic of Minerva.^[2] But if you're not rich enough to make land, then just make it up--some of the more lighthearted micronations claim land on imaginary continents or planets.
2. Declare your independence. If you have land, a declaration of independence will serve to claim that territory. Keep in mind, however, that actually sending your declaration of independence to gain recognition can lead to legal or military action if anyone disputes that claim. For example, when The Republic of Minerva issued a declaration of independence in letters to neighboring countries, the neighbors were very perturbed, and one of the countries decided to send their people to the island to take down the Minervan flag.^[2] Besides, you can still function like an independent nation without actually declaring independence, like Taiwan does!^[3]
3. Set up a government and constitution. This is a good time to consider why you're starting a country, and how you would like it to turn out. Here are some examples:
   
   
   • recreating the past - e.g. Nova Roma, dedicated "to the restoration of classical Roman religion, culture and virtues"^[4]
   • just for fun - e.g. the Aerican Empire, based on strong senses of humour and a love of science fiction, fantasy, and games^[5]
   • to promote an agenda - e.g. Gay and Lesbian Kingdom of the Coral Sea Islands, on the uninhabited Coral Sea Islands off the coast of Queensland, in response to the Australian government's refusal to recognize same-sex marriage^[6]
4. Acquire citizens. You can have only yourself, if you want, or anyone who wants to join. Having a website, however, will help publicize your micronation to potential citizens around the world. You must also decide what you require of your citizens. Do they have to pass a test? Abide by certain laws? And what will they have to identify themselves as citizens of your country - A passport? Driver's license? Badge?
5. 
   

   
   

   Coat of arms for the Kingdom of Araucania and Patagonia
   Decide on symbols for your country. You should have a flag, a coat of arms, and any other way to represent yourself. If you want, you can turn an existing nation's flag upside-down so you don't have to sew one. Once you have symbols chosen, you can issue stamps, medals, and currency, if you'd like. Some micronations go as far as inventing their own culture and language. Of course, you might be content to create your own letterhead. After all, it's your country!

Tips

• If you want to stand a chance of being recognized, your country should have territory, a government, a permanent population, and be able to host diplomatic relations (the Montevideo Convention's requirements for statehood).
• Study existing and well-established micronations. What has led to their success? What can you learn from them?

Just me.

I am:
- just me...no more and no less
- old
- single (for god's sake, don't ask this cause it just proves to me that you're a dumbfuck!)
- a mother of 2 boys
- a college student (undergrad for the moment)
- intelligent
- uber awesome
- sarcastic
- overtly sexual
- more dirty minded than my father
- a strong believer in free love and condoms
- an amazingly strong person
- incredibly fragile
- resilient
- a horrific speller (god love spell-check!)
- a minister (weird huh?)
- not even 5'2"
- curvy
- beautiful
- a math ninja
- a failure at simple algebra
- a glorious nerd
- a collector of bumper stickers (ask me about my favorite ones...I may post some pics of them)
- a homebody who likes to get her freak on at the dance club!
- forgetful
- selfish
- jealous
- persistent
- sexy as hell
- a great conversationalist
- the gayest straight person you know ((thanks Victoria ;) ))
- hot for nerds
- a contradiction

I am not:
- your mother
- your ho/whore/bitch/skank etc. etc.
- for sale (unless your name is Victoria and my face has been between your boobs!)
- a good dancer
- a magnificent singer
- a genius
- a lesbian or bi-sexual even tho I really do appreciate the female body and all its beauty. I honestly just love dick...and I love it a lot...I promise!
- a wonderful cook, but I can read directions!

I have:
- a quick temper
- unending amounts of patience
- an uncanny ability to read people
- psychic powers ((ask me about them sometime))
- absolutely no direction sense whatsoever! I get lost in a brown paper bag with a neon sign that says "EXIT"
- amazing friends
- a brilliant mind
- a crazy sexy voice
- a great smile
- soft lips
- a nice ass
- big boobs! ((see, I do know it...you really don't have to tell me!!))
- a t-shirt obsession
- a weakness for topless guys
- no tolerance for stupidity ((none. Stupid people should be shot, it the head, at close range, before they reproduce. Seriously))
- no desire to be fucked in the ass
- a few kinks ((good luck finding those out))
- a sharp tongue
- a quick wit
- the ability to turn even the most mundane things sexual
- the ability to turn you on
- no desire to actually do it
- a daddy....I don't need you

I won't:
- fuck you
- suck you
- masturbate for you
- post any NSFW pics of me...or even anything that comes close
- give you my phone number
- give you my IM info
- automatically be your friend unless you interest me
- join your chat room just because you post a link in my comments
- eat brussel sprouts
- eat zucchini
- lie

I will:
- delete comments that I don't like
- delete ads in my comments
- make you laugh
- care deeply
- actually talk to you if you try
- enjoy life
- worry
- love without restriction
- look past the superficial
- be appreciative of your efforts
- be honest

So who are you?

Heartless

Is it that hard? To not look any further? To believe that I'm the next best thing? To know that the same fucking words you told her while you were talking to me, will get back to me and cut through my heart...tear it to shreds. Here, let me pick up the pieces so you can toss them in the shredder...oh wait, let's burn it too...then let wild animals eat the ashes.

I mean really...do I mean so little? Or are you hiding...from everyone? I don't give a shit about everyone else. Only myself...and myself is fucking fragile. Damnit watch your mouth!

It's a simple question really. Am I enough for you...is anyone...will I ever be...and in the meantime, could you at least pretend to respect my heart or just give it back to me. Maybe you weren't really worth it....yes you are...but I can't be the one if I'm not...not for you...so let me be the one for someone else....just be a man about it.

Fuck the letters

Number and words all blur together...the numbers are cold...calculating...without emotion. They know who they are, what they do, they have rules and identities and even when they're not real they're still important. A number is always the same...has the same value...the same purpose...letters and variables all bleed across the lines.

xy=q=sin(z)=f''(x)=whatthefuckdidireallymeantosay!?

you can't count on letters. they join together to form words and words are meaningless....one word can mean so many different things, inflection, posture, tilt of the head, form of the sentence ... you say the same words to me...to her...to him...to them....how, why...should I believe them...you?

1=1 and can NEVER = 4...until you throw those damn letters in there. Fuck the letters and the words and the variables. I want to see your numbers.

Unnumb....maybe.

Looking for happiness in my panties is a lost cause...my eyes see more action then they do.

Words are meaningless in the grand scale of things...but when words are all we have I'll cling to each and every one. I'll wrap each letter around my heart until I fell you breathing on my cheek. You make me want so many things I'd forgotten...my pulse gets quicker with the thought of you...you make me want you...but is it really you that I want, or a piece of my lost youth...to be loved deeply in return...to feel like I matter...to belong to someone...something....to be whole again.

Maybe I'm just looking for my place in life...would it be so bad if I were alone...would I ever be happy just watching you from the edge of the crowd...would I ever have the strength to walk away...would I even want to?

The angles of flesh are hard and jut in your face....here taste me...smell me...they scream...but they all feel the same....one scent blends into the next....can't tell where they meet...every arm, face, leg....meld together as one....I want to stand out...to scream at you .....

"This is madness.....please save me!"

but will you listen.....or will you hear what they do...my whisper is softer by the second...I want to be noticed..to be heard...to be important. I don't need you to justify my existence...but I do want you to enrich it....are you up to the challenge?

The end is not near enough...

One final down...5 more to go.../sigh. I really can't wait till next semester, no more writing!! If that doesn't scream orgasm I don't know what does. Seriously, I don't...any ideas?

So I got my frat letters on monday, very excited about that...forgot about the math club meeting yesterday, very bummed about that. I also got dirty santa'd, something I recomend to everyone several times in their life.

I have to ask...what is the thrill about posting nude photos of yourself online? I mean, seriously... what happened to saving a part of ourselves for our partner? Don't get me wrong, I don't mean saving our sex...I happen to be a firm believer in free love, but there's got to be something that's sacred.

So now I have men online begging me for nude photos, and getting pissy when I tell them it's not gonna happen...then they get even more pissy when I tell them I won't suck their dick...virtually or actually...ever...that's just gross...but meh, it's my own preference. It's definitely not something I would do for/to someone I just met.

Sometimes I wonder why I bother with the online life at all...and then I remember I have you and I feel all warm and fuzzy inside. --I wonder if it's a bad thing that I talk to myself like this?--

Money and love...or am I just paying for sex?

Money is coming in...money I didn't expect...money I could definitely use. I'll spare you the details but it boils down to $2,000 of financial aid money I didn't know I was supposed to get because of a glitch in the system. So I'm sitting here wondering what I should spend it on...

Christmas won't be a big affair here. I'm so tired of the over importance of the "give me". So I'll buy Aidan a couple of things, send Devon a gift card to buy more clothes and that'll be the end of that day.

I'm thinking seriously about going to Washington to visit an online friend of mine. I've known him for about 3 or 4 years now. We flirt shamelessly...mostly because the chance of us meeting is rare and so we're safe. So there's a part of me that wants to believe (but I know better) that when I get there we will click and it will be wonderful and even romantic (or just a lot of hot, sweaty monkey sex - which is quite fine by me thankyouverymuch!)....and yet, even if it's not sexual at all I know that we will still click and it will be wonderful to be with him, because he's an amazing man. Of course it doesn't hurt that he's omg-sexy.

I'm cautiously excited...mostly because I don't have the money and I haven't made the plans yet....I don't want him to feel pressured so I tell him so and remind myself that I don't even have the ticket yet so I should really not worry about it. Besides, by the time I do get the money, the prices will probably have gone up too much and I won't be able to do it.

Figures.

______________________________
"Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I haven't tried." ~Mae West

Mathabulous

Is it totally awful that I'm excited to be done with this semester?  Not that I don't totally enjoy myself in school...I just think that Anatomy is the devil.  Well, my teacher to be exact.  As long as I don't completely fail my next exam and the two finals in there, I should manage to squeek by with a decent C and while that doesn't normally make me happy enough to celebrate, I'm willing to host a party for that.  It means that I'm done with that class and that it didn't fudge up my overall GPA horrendously.  I refuse to take another semester of it so next year I'm doing Physics...(which I actually should have done anyway but I had a previous traumatic experience with it that Anatomy has cured me of).

Next semester though!  I have 3 math classes and biology....and this makes me orgasmic.  What classes do I have you ask?  Well I'll tell you!  Calc 2, Linear Algebra, and Mathematical Computations.  I may actually pick up one more class because I'm really ready to be done with my Bachelor's as quick as possible.  I've got 8 years of school behind me now and 5-6 more ahead of me for my Doctorate....I'm anxious to move on to my next step.

Plus, next semester I get to study less words and more numbers....and that's what it's all about! :)

Is there more?

I keep coming back to my blog to try and write something more...but I keep seeing my last post and nothing seems pertinant anymore.  That's really kinda sad, and it bothers me.

I'm planning a trip to NY this summer.  I'd love to get a bunch of my online and RL friends together for a weekend or so.  I'm even hoping that some of my overseas friends will be able to make it.  Gosh that would be the best weekend ever!

I need to go work out and then get some sleep...showed the girls the joy of google tonight *giggle*

EDIT:  I have no qualms about putting that link in my blog because no one reads it besides me and I'm well over the age of 18 and don't mind adult material...however, if in the future someone actually starts to read my stuff and they're not at least 18 or are offended by adult material....DON'T CLICK THE LINK!  - You've been warned...now quit whining!