For me.

I am not:

- responsible for your failure to communicate
- your doormat
- perfect
- able to let you go yet
- allowing you to walk all over my heart anymore
- letting myself make excuses for the way you treat me
- going to let my skin crawl when I think of you with her
- going to hate myself for being something I'm not
- going to believe that while you weren't good enough for me, I'm not good enough for anyone else
- going to lie to myself anymore
- going to make excuses for your inability to help me let go
- going to depend on you for support anymore, I can do it without you
- going to believe your promises...they've lost value with me now
- going to hate you...I'm a bigger person than that
- going to adjust my life or my schedule around you anymore
- going to stop being me


I am:

- beautiful
- a good person
- wonderful
- deserving of love
- willing to let other people in even after you trampled over my heart
- strong enough to live without you
- surrounded by magnificent friends who took the time to really get to know me and still love me anyway.
- ok with still hurting from you leaving me
- going to heal and be stronger because of it
- thankful for the time we had together
- sorry you never knew me
- forgiving you
- still crying myself to sleep sometimes
- learning to let go
- going to stop dwelling on the 'what ifs'
- going to give you your time to heal
- going to always be there for you...but on my own terms this time
- making new friends
- perfectly ok with where I'm at now

Boredom

......

It's thanksgiving. Victoria is at her apartment with her mom. We spent the day with Rachel. I took Christopher, Jasmyn and Jaxxon home with me. I think I'm crazy. I hope the baby sleeps through the night. I'm supposed to go see G tomorrow. Hope he makes it home in time lol.

I don't really have anything else to say right now. I should put the kids to bed and read for awhile before bed.

.......

Eat my hands.

I've been having the urge to write lately but I'm not exactly sure what to write about. When I've tried to put pencil to paper and make words, it doesn't end well *sigh*.

It's barely after 6pm and I'm exhausted. I have the need to reach out to old friends for laughter and witty banter, but there's no one around. I have homework I should be working on but I feel the need to curl up on the couch and read. Ugh....I don't really feel restless, I just feel like I should be doing something else...but I don't have the energy to even try.

I have the need to have someone to curl up with....but that's one need that will go unsatiated.

Mothers

My mom asked how I was today. She said she was sorry. I almost cried. So much for thinking I was doing ok.

New Moon

I went to see the movie tonight with Victoria. We got there about an hour early and they had us line up for the theater 30 minutes before the showtime...and then they were 30 minutes late showing it!

All in all, it was a fairly good movie. There were funny parts and the amount of man-hips were just overwhelming. I think I was drooling most of the time. Not at Edward or Jacob....but their hips. Gah, I have a severe obsession with hips....and I miss you.

It was kinda hard to watch the movie tonight. Little things made me think of you. That Jacob is a furnace for Bella...I miss how you made me sweat. When Edward broke it off with her and she refuses to believe that he doesn't want to be with her. After he left, how she says that she felt like their was a hole in her chest. How she tried to do things she knew he wouldn't approve of, just to hear his voice in her head telling her to stop. Then in the end, when he tells her that he can't exist in a world without her. My eyes got a little wet and my throat closed up a bit.

But we're not Edward and Bella are we? We're not some fairy tale dream. You don't want me anymore and I'm learning to live with that. I feel like her in a way....spending all my time with other people trying to fill the hole in my heart...and it works, for the most part. I'm able to convince myself that I'm better than I really am. But then there are moments like this. When I see what we had reflected in other people. And then realize that the difference between us and them is that they'll have their fairy tale ending.

I'm overly emotional right now because I'm exhausted...please forgive me. I really am doing okay...but I still have my moments, and they kinda sneak up on me. I really wanted to get up and leave in the middle of the movie but I couldn't. I love the story so much. The struggle and the love. The hope and the despair. This was one of those moments. I'll go to sleep soon and will want to cry but the tears won't come. Eventually I'll fall asleep and tomorrow will be a new day, full of hope and beginnings.

I've decided that I'm going to put my passport to use. I'm spending a week in March with my very dear friend Robert in Denmark. I'm going to sleep in his spare bed and spend hours talking and flirting and laughing and eating and dancing and snuggling on the couch watching terrible movies together. He's going into the Army soon and I'm afraid that if something ever happened to him I'll feel terrible that I never got to hug him. 5 years we've been friends. He's helped me through so much and we've been through so much together....and yet no matter what, I always go back to him. I treasure him so much.

I've also made a new friend who lives about an hour away. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about him yet. We talk every day, emails and texts. He makes me laugh with his words and his mannerisms. He knows about you and how I'm healing and he's ok with that. He respects my space and my need to step back and move slowly. Regardless of any attraction he and I may or may not have towards each other, he's already proven to me that he will be a wonderful friend and I'm going to talk to him about spending the day together soon. Maybe next weekend. I'll let him take me to a bookstore and we'll sit in the coffee shop and discuss our favorite authors and art and the meaning of life and then I'll let him take me to dinner for more wonderful conversation and afterwords I may let him take me to his studio and let me see his artwork. Or I may just meet him for coffee, have a couple of laughs but be extremely uncomfortable, call it an early night and go home. Either way is fine by me.

I think Victoria and I are going to get an apartment together. We're going to go looking over the next couple of weeks/months and try to get into something next summer. It would be nice to have a roommate I think. Especially her. She and I work really well together...altho, I feel extremely guilty for leaving her on spring break to go visit Robert...but she pretty much told me I had to lol.

Anyway, I think it's just about bedtime. You haven't written me in a couple of days and I'm not really sure what to think about that. You have no obligation to contact me every day and I'm sure you probably don't want to. I'm sure that you stay away from the computer as much as possible trying to do everything you can to forget I exist....to make it easier for you to move on with your life. I can't blame you. I try not to think about you. It still kinda hurts. When I'm not looking and my guard is down, I can feel that missing piece of my heart that you still have.

I hope she makes you happy. Truly and honestly happy. You do deserve it. I hope that one day you love her more than you loved me.

Meh, I'm getting all sappy and shit...yeah, it's time for bed.

I love you.
I love us.
I love me.

Moving on.

Today marks a week since he said goodbye...and yet I feel oddly at peace. I've met new friends, a couple that are just amazing and have so much love to share that they are willing to bring another person into their relationship...a minister who gives sermons at a progressive church and is open minded enough to believe that hey, I'm not necessarily going to hell just because I don't believe that the Christian God is the almighty....and a man from a social networking/dating site that gives amazing conversation and respects the fact that I am only recently single and healing and not looking for any type of relationship other than friends...not once has he been anything but fun and friendly and yet, I know he's happy to wait to see if we have chemistry until and if I'm ever ready for that.

I've picked up my copy of the Tao again. Here's a piece from chapter 29:

Sometimes you lead
Sometimes you follow
Sometimes you are stifled
Sometimes you breathe easy
Sometimes you are strong
Sometimes you are weak
Sometimes you destroy
And sometimes you are destroyed.

This really speaks to me right now. I love him deeply. I always will. I hope that he doesn't beat himself up over his decision. He did what he thought was best for him and how can I fault that? I just need to take this experience and see what kind of person I become when I emerge fully from it. I'm cautiously excited.

My counselor tells me I should look into meditation to help me get over my control issues. I always have to know what's going on. I have a hard time being ok when I can't see the big picture. I've been feeling complacent and lost a bit myself lately...like I'm wandering around in nothingness but that if I can just go a little bit further in I can get past the nothingness and see what's really there, except there's a tether that's keeping me from going any further. It feels almost like a safety net and yet I also feel a little aggravated by it. Slowly I'm going to figure this out. Right now I'm just living in the here and now. Wishing and praying that my loved ones find happiness and serenity in their lives.

I'm able to listen to music without thinking of him and crying. This is a big step for me...oh how I've missed my music.

Thoughts are jumbled but they flow as they're meant to.

Fresh?

I need a change, but I still need to blog.

Maybe I'll change this one around and make it useful again.

I'm healing.

Fuck a duck with the wrong end of a plunger!

You're walking around like nothing's wrong but your entire world is about to fall apart. If you'd be honest with yourself you'd have seen this coming long before me. I don't know that you can see without your glasses though. I just want to scream in your face and shove you down the stairs. Maybe that will knock you off your crooked path. Set you back on the walk you should have been on...alone...together...regardless...without him.

A punch in the nose...a smack in the face...some cyanide in your cereal might be your saving grace. The snow on the television is breaking up the rainbow. Bleach and Ajax with a dash of vinegar might make you dance like a star. To yourself...who are we to judge...yet you turn your head and look to the crowd with pleading eyes...willing to pay someone else to fix themselves...willing to bribe the dog with peanut butter to fuck the neighbor's cousin in her sleep to make sure no one knows that it's really you that's fucked up...not us. We shit perfection and you smear it over yourself trying to catch up but you only smell worse.

There's a staircase...2 flights should be enough...if you let me trip you I promise I'll feel better. A window perhaps...I'll move the car so you don't scratch it....give me a minute to turn up this song...or should I tape your mouth shut...no one cares about your screams.

Oh look...a squirrel.

Explosion pending.

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

I hate this...omg I hate this soooo much. I'm tired of feeling like I'm your dirty secret when we both know I'm not!!!

I want the option to molest you whenever and where ever I want to damnit. I don't want to have to restrain myself at all when it concerns you.

This is the worst part of being away from you.

I hate it.

ALOT.

Look...a post...

and it's not on a fence...

I'm not big on the whole blogging thing...I can go weeks and months without putting anything down. I'm not a fan of words. Which actually kinda sucks since we need them to talk...who knew?? I feel....lost...like I'm walking around in a cloud that's keeping me from my daily life. I should have been studying all day but I only found enough motivation to get my book and notes together and stack them neatly in a pile. Yesterday I had someone to talk to, and a book to read, and a plan to spend today studying...today, I have nothing but a deep sadness and a unsettling feeling of being so very alone. I hate it.

Ok, I need to stop being so damned pitiful...I'm going to try to study now. Not that you care or anything, right?

If it kills me.

Time is an elusive, tangible evil....it teases you with its closeness then jumps back and laughs at how far away it really is...because no matter how close it is, it's never close enough...until it is...but when it is, oh how my heart will sing...to be with you, wrapped up in your arms, home...finally.

My heart wants to skip a beat when you come near...my nose wants to become intoxicated with your smell...my tongue wants to be intimate with your taste...my skin tingles to become one with yours.

I never realized how empty my bed was until I met you....I wonder if time is enjoying this 10 day tease???

My dear sweet Coraline...

....you really know how to blow, tho it's too bad you don't swallow...I might actually have gotten my money's worth.

I can't really complain since the wives and kid enjoyed it. Oh the things one does to keep your significant others happy....

What have you done lately??

Masturbation

so why is it that it feels better when you're sick/intoxicated or otherwise not feeling normal?

I think I masturbate more when I'm sick than I do the rest of the year....

I'll be in my bunk.

Things to do at work..

I'm a very private person when it comes to sex...do it in the privacy of your own home and all that jazz, well at least not on video or anything.

There's this thing that's been on my mind for awhile now...and I'm really wanting to try it, but I'm too much of a chicken lol.

I wanna have sex at work. Not just boring ol' on the desk sex. I'm talking, up against the glass windows so that the blinds get squished and everyone outside can see your hand ride up my thigh and under my skirt, take a few steps to the next wall and pin me too it so close that I have to breathe through your mouth, rip my top open so buttons go flying as you push me down on top of the desk and frantically pushing things away so I don't get stabbed with scissors, fuck me so hard I can't be quiet and your boss walks in on us but can't do anything but stand there and stare while the rest of the office is looking over his shoulder.

That's the kinda sex I want....just thought I'd throw that out there

Something....maybe?

i'm tired...and sore...and hungry...and worn to the bone with weariness...wishing i was a little more selfish...oh wait...i am he said...irrationally...what does that mean...show me the numbers...here let me throw them up in your face for you....you see the curve of this two...the hard lines of this seven...that's my heart...on my sleeve...the fullness of this eight...my love...the sharp corners of that four...you...and all with downward motion...wont let my love settle and i'm not skilled enough to sink it in your trenches....to over flow you into a nine...so give me that pencil...i need the eraser to fix me...to change my lines into something you'll like better...excuse me while i bleed tears...

Cardboard Smiles

stay awake for me...leave your eyes open...let's find this moment together....leave her at the door...i'll put my doubts and fears in her pocket for safe keeping...this is what matters...you...me...maybe one day i'll start to believe i matter to someone....would you mind helping me tonight....maybe it's just me...maybe i'm the flawed one...maybe I shouldn't have used the mask on the back of the cereal box..they never last long in the rain...

The stark white walls of my mind

so i'm staring around the room and it's full of people. you're here somewhere. i'm sure of it. you have to be. my heart wouldn't lie to me...would it? trying to walk through life but no one moves out of the way. guess this is what invisible feels like. the air so thick. laughter travels slowly across the street. thought i heard your voice. thought i smelled you. thought your heart was calling to me. i see your hand. reaching for me from around a corner. or is that the doctor.

the red of the vending machine is too bright. need to turn off the light. someone make the squeaking stop. rubber on linoleum. metal on metal. doors clicking open. slamming closed. monitors beeping. steady beep beep. turning our hearts into nothing but lines on a screen. someone talking. to me. to her. to someone. life is meaningless. it comes down to one moment. the green lines on the machine. you can take my heart. i don't need it anymore. not without you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

so here i am again. staring around this room. everything's changed. it's not so full anymore. like my heart. i'm redecorating. you might like this color. it's called hope. forgiveness. moving on. living. sometimes even learning to love again. i still get lonely without you. your laughter still haunts me. your eyes still follow me in my dreams. i try not to hold on too tightly. sometimes it works. sometimes it doesn't. sometimes i find myself crying over your grave. everything's changed. but i still miss you.

Deep in my heart

I hate words, they always fail me...and yet I struggle to make myself understood, to find the correct words to express how I feel. To make you understand. It's funny how when words are all you have, they become your best friend.

The shortest distance between two points is a straight line...but the shortest distance between two hearts is an undefined function...do the two endpoints realize that they are connected? Most likely not. Until you pencil in the line...trace it with a ruler...highlight it with red ink. Your ink has infected my heart...made it swell...made it brighter...filled in the cracks. You traced numbers in my skin and left me with nothing but your smell.

Always just out of reach...you infect my very soul.

Darkness Waking - 1

I've got a headache. Pushing open the door to a room filled with laughter and smoke mingled with music doesn't help much. It's too busy here..I should go home. Leaning against the door frame I sigh...nothing to go home to but an empty fridge and an emptier bed. I'm going to stay...even just to pretend that I'm not alone for a brief moment or two. Eyes dart around the room and find an empty stool in the middle of the bar along with the quickest route to it...or so I thought.

Dodging bodies..watching thick hands on soft skin...half these women in here wouldn't be getting all their attention if it were a little brighter and the alcohol not offered so readily. I can't fault them though...we're social creatures...even if we don't want to, we crave the connection another human being gives us...the touch..a look..a slight wave of breath on our skin. It carries us to the next moment. I twist like a dancer, weaving through the masses...can't avoid the drunks even when you want to....and he slammed right into me. The only thing that kept him from falling was his iron grip on my breasts. Reeling from the sudden contact and unable to process the fact that this .... person ... was groping me and drooling, I almost threw up on him. Thankfully, his drunken female companion came over and loudly whispered something about sucking him like a leech in the bathroom and took him away...I almost vomited again.

I shouted my drink order to the bartender before I even sat down and as my ass hit the stool I had the shot glass in hand, the liquid in my throat, and motioned for another. The second and third followed the first without much of a fight and while I let them get to know each other, I scanned the room.

The music is offensive, it smells like funky monkey ass in here, the men are either too short, too tall, too fat, too skinny, too creepy, too pretty, too...something, the women are desperate...as always, there's sex in the air and all you need is a Vegas chip, some silicon, or a hellalot of money to get so drunk you don't care.

The bartender is busy...and not what I'm looking for. He probably only does this to make money to pay his way through college...just like all the strippers...yeah, and I'm sure the sex he gets from random women every night dosen't hurt either. Nah, he's too smart...

Every other man in here is too drunk. That's what I get for taking so long to get here...I don't want anymore alcohol in my system than what I've already had. Drink too much and you'll be waking up beside them in the morning and they'll be spouting love poems while you're throwing on clothes and trying to find the words to say you only used them to fulfill a basic need and it wasn't anything spectacular anyway. No sir...I like my men out cold when I'm done. Easier to get away. No messy complications.

I need to move...I'm getting restless...I need a fix soon.

Touch Me Madly - 2

I'm done here...maybe I'll scan the grocery store for some late night meat. Unfortunately, I'd have to be charming and witty and the only thing I'm exuding is sex...hot...sweaty...pulsing through my veins...I need it...badly. Hard to calm down lately. Every year it gets harder. I let my head hang and grit my teeth until my jaw pops ... my heart slows enough and I feel safe enough to move. My hand drops to my bare thigh and the touch of skin on skin...even my own...starts my heart racing again. I probably should have put on some panties before I left but I love how the wind caresses up my legs in my favorite mini-skirt.

The room goes black and all noise gets filtered out except for the constant bass of the music and it pulses through my body, helping move my need from my fingers through my thighs. Suddenly I'm all alone in my head. Nothing else matters but the wetness between my legs. My left hand lightly runs its fingers across my exposed chest...slowly dipping into my cleavage and running back up to my neck and jaw. My right hand finds its way under my skirt. Its fingers tracing the crevice where my leg meets my hip. The thumb lightly flicking itself over my mound...searching for the warmth.

Somewhere in the back of my mind I see myself sitting on this dirty bar stool..head tilted to the right, eyes closed, biting my bottom lip...legs spread enough that the red skirt is pushed up almost to my waist...hand lost in the folds of skin and fabric...chest heaving..what am I thinking...

I've got to pull myself together and get a fix. I slowly remove my hands and straighten my outfit without opening my eyes. I know there's another drink in front of me... a 'thanks for the show' gift. I reach out and swallow its contents slowly, letting it bring me back to myself. My eyelashes flutter and open and as they do I see every male at the bar staring at me with longing. I flash a smirk at all of them, slide off the stool and walk seductively out of the now quiet bar.

I love how my body moves when I walk. Cloth on skin...thighs touching...wetness slowly dripping, waiting to be caught with a tongue...hips rocking side to side...back arched slightly to push out my breasts.

I know they're watching...and I eat it up..