4am...yet again

So I'm going to try and sleep now. Tomorrow (today) is going to be nice. I get my godson for the night and Vic and I are going to just rent some movies and cook dinner and hang out at her house with the kids for NYE. Did I use too many 'ands'? Too bad. I should dig around in my cookbook and see if I can find something new to fix.

Going to see my sister for the first time in a couple of years in 14 days. I can't wait. Of course, classes start up again at the same time and I'm taking a 5 day weekend to go see her but oh well. I need to see my baby sister and my girls.

I really have nothing else to say right now. I'm thinking of creating another blog for my Star Wars characters. I post journal entries for them on a forum but I think it'd be fun to stick them in a real blog. Plus that way you can read all the exciting stuff that's going on in the game... lol.

Ok, I've deflected enough. I'm going to bed.

PS. today was pretty good...aside from my bowels deciding that I was going to be sick for a few hours.

Apathetic much?

Just so you know, the last post wasn't anything other than me needing to let go of some stuff. This time of year is always bad for me, and it has been for a long time. I lost my best friend almost 11 years ago and the sadness always starts the last couple of days of December. I try not to dwell. I try to distract myself with other things. I try to ignore how I feel...just for a few days. It never works. I always end up crying into my pillow for hours for no apparent reason. I know why...I just don't like to talk about it. But that's why we have the internet right?

Having this screen in front of me allows me to spill my deepest darkest secrets without fear or worry, because frankly...no one reads this but me anyway. I can be anyone I want to and you'll never know. Just don't get me alone in a room, I might disappoint you. Blah blah blah, boo hoo. Yes I know I'm getting all weepy. So what. Trouble is, it gets worse as I get older. My hot flashes are getting harder to deal with. I'm having some really difficult times sleeping (thankfully the only thing I have to get up for is church on sundays - not looking forward to classes starting again...I wonder if that will help me get back on my proper schedule?).

Maybe I shouldn't worry. Maybe I should just let everything be. There's some lyrics of a song that Bob sent me a long time ago. "Worrying is about as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum."



Here's the Yoda version of it...just cause I'm a nerd like that



I did go to bed by 9ish last night...and then woke up at 1:30am *sigh*. I ate a little, played some Star Wars, watched a comedy special with Robin Williams...he's not as funny as he used to be. It just seems like his humor has gone down the toilet...or maybe I'm not used to seeing him do stand up and he's always been like that? Not that I have any problem with toilet humor, he just doesn't do it well.

I'm supposed to go grocery shopping with Victoria tomorrow....I don't really see myself getting up at any kind of decent hour to do that actually. Thankfully I bought some micro meals for the leech to warm up so I don't have to cook. Which really is kinda sad because I pulled out some ground turkey the other day to make some tacos and I've really been looking forward to it.

I really need to work on the whole 'letting go' thing.

I hate

I hate being right all the time.
I hate being ignored.
I hate always being just friends.
I hate always being the strong one.
I hate being so god damned emotional.
I hate being so f'ing weak.
I hate being all alone in a crowded room.
I hate crying...really really really hate it.
I hate needing people.
I hate knowing I'm going to be alone the rest of my life.
I hate faking it.
I hate being vulnerable.
I hate not being able to give up.
I hate believing in love that's not meant for me.
I hate being patient.
I hate not being in control.
I hate not being needed.
I hate being selfish.
I hate not fitting in.
I hate being held at arms length.
I hate living in the past.
I hate that I don't know how not to.
I hate not knowing.
I hate not sleeping.
I hate that I can't give up.
I hate that I still see the good in people that hurt me the worst.
I hate not being more vindictive.
I hate that I can't see myself the way my son does.
I hate being so optimistic.
I hate being so kind.
I hate it when I'm mean and hateful.
I hate that I can't be kinder to myself.
I hate that I've cried the entire time I wrote this.
I really hate the holidays.
and sometimes .. I hate that I love you.

I'm sorry.

Merry Hogswatch

It's after 4:30am and I'm still not asleep. I told the leech he could wake me up at 10...ugh...on top of, I found one present that didn't get wrapped. I should do that quickly.

I heart this band...you should heart it too.

Done...but not quite!

Presents are wrapped woooo! I did it while the leech was outside playing cause I'm sneaky like that. He's still contagious so he'll be staying home tonight and not joining me for service. Which makes me a little sad because Victoria won't be here either :( .

Sent Bob the email...everything's good. Tho I think I'm over thinking things again as usual lol. Thankfully he'll tell me so and everything will go back to normal. I blame the hormones....which btw, I'm on day 4 and no major side effects still! Very glad my face hasn't decided to break out again.

I did my core workout last night but skipped the Tai Chi...it was like after 4am when I finally got to the first part of my workout and I was exhausted. Sadly I couldn't fall asleep till almost 6:30 :/ . Gonna try and get to bed a little early tonight. Maybe make the leech some pancakes for breakfast tomorrow. Careful, the world might stop spinning if I do it lol!

Procrastination!!!!

I do this every year. I wait until Christmas Eve to wrap the presents...and then I end up staying up way too late which means I sleep longer and make the kids wait to wake me up lol. I'm so evil. Thankfully they understand and are happy with their stockings. Plus we compromise. They're not allowed to wake me up before 9am.

I'm exhausted. I haven't done my workout. I ate 5 chocolate covered cherries today. I'm sitting here listening to music and trolling some forums. I'm also hoping that the leech will feel better by xmas. Oh, right...he's got bronchitis. We were at the doctor's office today. 4 days of antibiotics and steroids. He's actually been quiet tonight. No coughing. I hope that means he's getting better. Poor thing has been coughing painfully for the last month. Maybe I'll make my stuffed mushrooms and oreo pie tomorrow to keep me busy. I won't be able to go to Rachel's house for xmas dinner but hopefully the leech'll be feeling better the day after and we can go then. I miss my extra kids!

So here's a thought. I was playing SWG today and made a new RP friend. The role play wandered the way it wanted and my character ended up on his character's ship for a little virtual sin-making. Not that I have a problem with that...but, well it's gotten me thinking. I've never been in any intimate RP situation with anyone but Bob the Bird, and well...I know Bob and I aren't together but..it seems weird to be doing something like that with someone else. Granted I don't go all out and into deep details with it. I'm pretty quick to fade to black when it seems like that's the path the RP will take. Still tho, it almost feels like I'm cheating on Bob, which is right silly I know.

At the same time...I don't want to limit my RP just because I feel like that. I have other characters that aren't tied intimately to any of Bob's and if I limit them in any way, then I feel like I might be missing out on something. There's just got to be a way to go about this without hurting any feelings or making anyone jealous/upset. Not that he would be...hell, I don't even know how he feels anymore. Maybe I should ask him...except that I don't want him to think we're having one of those conversations after all these years. I happen to enjoy our friendship and things get complicated and uncomfortable when you start dragging up old feelings and stuff.

On the other hand...I am on hormones right now so it's quite possible that I'm just over thinking all this and he'd tell me I was being silly. Maybe I'll send him an email since he's away on xmas vacation.

Then after that I'm gonna do my work out and go to bed. I promise!!! :D

I've been in a writing mood lately. I wrote a couple of journal entries for a character I role play in Star Wars Galaxies. I think they came out pretty good. Now I'm here...not sure for what, nothing really exciting has happened.

I went to church tonight for solstice service. It was really nice and intimate as there was roughly only 20ish people there for the service. Poor Aidan slept through the entire thing - I gave him a dose of Nyquil earlier. I got a little teary during one of the songs...I blame the hormones tho.

Speaking of hormones. I started taking that hormone pack the doc put me on for my back. Today was the first day and I took 6 pills. It was kinda weird, I have to say. I didn't really notice any change in my personality. No mood swings or general crabbiness. I did send a friend request to a guy who I used to be friends with. We haven't been friends in almost a year but were actually talking nicely on a mutual friend's Facebook status. I'm not sure if we're done not being friends but I kinda hope so. He was a pretty decent guy and lord knows I can use all the friends I can get right now. Besides, life's too short to hold a grudge right? Or maybe I'm just being too kind hearted again. Who knows.

It's after 3am. I need to go do my core exercises and the Tai Chi. If I allow myself to not do it because of the late hour, I'll stop doing it and darnit I'm tired of not taking my health seriously.

I miss Victoria already :(

Lateness

I'm still alive. I know you were worried. It's ok, you can breathe now. I just needed to lock myself up and hide for a couple of days after finals. Grades weren't terrible but of course I could have done better.

Got a new exercise mat so I can start doing my core training again. It's nice and thick. My abs hate me but they'll get over it. Did my Tai Chi tonight. My arms and legs are shaky and sore and I'm exhausted so I'm going to bed cause it's after 1:30am. Let's see how long I can keep this up eh?

Got the Christmas shopping for the leech done last week while he was in school. I hate that I couldn't afford more :/ Oh well, he's getting a computer in January probably. Hummingbird is going to get a *********....if he can manage to stop getting suspended from school!

Side note: I had actually put what he was going to get instead of the ***** but then I realized, he might actually read this so I replaced it with the asterisks just in case.

I'm going to bed now. Love to all!

Shhhhhhh...

Finals are over. I've had 3 hours of sleep in the last 48 hours. I miss Victoria. I miss my son. I've bribed him with lots of food that is bad for you tonight because I have to sleep. Tomorrow, if I get up early enough I'm going to go Christmas shopping for him. I can't wait, but I hate being on a limited budget.

I may have to retake Calculus. That stupid final lowered my grade too much.

I'm going to bed now. G'night!

The day in-between

The physics final wasn't too bad...tho many penguins had to die....and there was a lot of penguin violence...and a blender. Don't ask.

Thankfully I won't have to retake the class. Yay for amply endowed and strategically shown cleavage in class. Oh no, I'm not above using my weapons of mass distraction to help my grade.

The calculus final was brutal. I had to leave at least 4 questions unanswered. The smart guys I studied with before the exam both looked at each other and mouthed "Oh f*k this test is hard!" *sigh*. I'm afraid that the final will lower my grade. I really don't want to have to retake any more classes.

After finals I came home and fed the kid, set the alarm and went to bed...it was 5:30pm. I slept till about 11 then got up and started a marathon of Greek. I don't really have much to say except that tomorrow/today will be spent finishing up my last final and turn it in weds. I am pretty hungry...but I'm too lazy to go fix something and don't have anything quick to stick in the microwave. I wish something was open so that I could order delivery. Hmm...biscuits sound really good right now.

So, yeah..I'm gonna go get some biscuits, and watch some more tv. Yay for being (almost) done!

Please don't tell my mother!

It's 2:30am, finals start in less than 6 hours, I'm not in bed yet and I haven't studied. She'd be terribly disappointed.

Thanks.

Where you are is just where you're supposed to be...I promise.

Today's sermon was special to me because John talked about helping others who had less than you. It's, of course, right in the holiday spirit..but it's not just about that one moment of the year. It's about taking care of each other throughout the entire year. I also think I've decided where I want to start my activism...now if only I can get John to tell me who I need to talk to about it lol.

I also found a new favorite singer, Susan Werner thanks to John. He's got a song of her's on his blog with today's sermon. Love it.

Other than that, what's been going on? I've been avoiding the unavoidable. Finals are tomorrow and what have I been doing all weekend? Everything but study *sigh*. I'm terrible about this. I'll just wait till tomorrow and cram it all in. That always works right? No...but I still haven't learned yet. Oh well, for better or worse, the majority of it will be over tomorrow. Then I just have to spend Tuesday finishing up my take-home. Oh, and I'm wearing my pj's to my final tomorrow at 8am ... ugh!

I really felt the need to write something...well...more, I guess. More inspirational. More deep. More thought provoking. But I'm failing at that as well. So I s'pose I'll go tweeze my other eyebrow, watch a show on Hulu, and hopefully get to sleep early enough that I can wake up around 6 and eat breakfast/cram a little before the final.

I do hope everyone's had a good weekend.

All I wanted

...was forever. Apparently that was too much to hope for.

I'd really appreciate it when these tears stop falling. It gets kinda difficult to carry on a conversation with a huge lump in my throat. Also, the sniffling from the teary nose isn't very attractive either.

I feel all hormonal and I haven't even started taking those pills yet *sigh*.

On the bright side, the sound is fixed and my mic works again.

Today's flubs.

So while trying to fix my sound input (ie, my mic) I ended up completely removing any type of sound from my laptop. There will be no sound coming in or out of it until I find someone who can fix it. *le sigh*

Almost left my credit card at Applebee's. Yay for the the youngest Brother of Awesome (whom I will train to take my place when I graduate). Also almost left my food there that was boxed up, also yay for the yBoA! He's pretty handy to have around.

Today's topic was "Are you in touch with your inner hooker?!" and whether or not to host another adult movie night over the break. More on that tomorrow. I'm tired now.

An act of faith in the infinity of Godhead.

There are many paths, and mine is but one.
I will follow it as best I can.
I will not say that I am right and others wrong,
Only that I will try to do what is right for me.
The light of the sun falls on the whole Earth;
It does not shine exclusively for my benefit.
If I can see it from where I stand,
So others can see it from where they are.
But, if there are others who wish to walk beside me,
I will help them if they ask.
If there are others who do not see a way,
I will offer mine.
If my path is theirs, I will rejoice...
But if it is not, I will not sorrow.
For the Universe is infinite.

-I've had this reading for a very long time. I didn't write this, but sadly I can't find out who did.-

I don't need another hero

So I've been thinking (stop laughing) ... and I think maybe I'm going about this the wrong way. Maybe instead of looking for a hero, I should be looking for a compliment. When I find the hero-type, he gets put above me. His needs supersede mine, his wants and desires become my own. I effectively get lost in him and lose sight of 'me'. I think that's what happened to me over the years. I never took the time to redefine who I was. I never reached down deep and reconnected with my center.

I've always been comfortable for the most part about where I was going, and while I might have had doubts about my path and looked on the past fondly (I'm good at blacking out the bad parts), I've never wanted to turn around and go home. No matter how scared I was. I've always been a 'look forward with your chin high' kinda person. However, I've become stuck inside myself. Feeling kinda trapped and while I find comfort in the routines that have come to shape my daily life, I'm screaming inside...trying to break free of these useless and asinine habits that aren't getting me anywhere!

I have a need to make a mark on this world, but I'm scared I think. There's so much that I can and want to do but where do I start? I'm afraid of getting overwhelmed. Actually, what it boils down to at the core of it all is love. I want to love and be loved. That might be selfish of me but I feel like, while I may not have a specific skill set to offer society, I've got plenty of love to go around. I have a story to tell. I have wisdom learned and experience gained. I hope to one day have the appropriate words to be able to express myself properly.

I wonder if my life story will be that light in the darkness for someone...or will it just contribute to their darkness...and does it really matter in the grand scheme of things? I mean, I'm only one person with only one minuscule moment of life compared to the great and powerful universe. If I give my all, will it fade away into the infinitness of existence and make as much of a ripple as if I had given nothing at all?

I honestly don't know. But, I can trust in my actions and that my motivations are for the greater good...and hope. I can cling to hope for you and me and she and we and everything and nothing all at once. I breathe hope infused air...even through my tears, there's hope. When I'm broken and beaten and bruised and tired of fighting...hope is the pillow that comforts me and the walls around me that shelter me from the storm. Hope is the very essence of love and the two are so intertwined that I can't see that you can have one without the other. How can you honestly love your neighbor if you can't honestly hope for the best for them?

Hope is what gives me strength to have faith in something bigger than me. Faith is what keeps me getting up every morning to face the day. Faith in the human race gives me the strength to love...no matter what.

I hope you don't mind.


[All the children say, "We don't need another hero.
We don't need to know the way home.
All we want is life beyond the thunder-dome."

So what do we do with our lives?
We leave only a mark.
Will our story shine like a light
Or end in the dark? Is it all or nothing?]

-excerpt from We Don't Need Another Hero by Tina Turner-

*smiles*

Today has been a good day. I got some studying done. I worked on something I'm not supposed to talk about so pretend I just didn't say that. I spent some wonderful and surprising time with Bob the Bird. My son ate all his dinner. I finished the tray of baklava that I bought the other day so it can't tempt me anymore!

It's late and I should get some sleep...heck, I can't even type correctly right now lol :/

I just wanted to say that...well I know I'm terribly oblivious to everything and I'm sorry. I try not to be but it's so easy to get lost in my own little world. I have a few friends that I come out for but ... if I ask you if you're ok and you tell me yes ... please don't be mad when I believe you. I trust that you'll always be honest with me and that you'll tell me if you need me. Granted, I kinda fail sometimes at the whole noticing the obvious thing (see beginning of paragraph) but please be patient. I'm still trying to figure out who I am....and that requires stepping outside of my bubble. Which is not something that's easy for me to do.

I'm struggling to find my place in this world. I mean, I know I'm walking the correct path and I'm definitely enjoying the journey to whatever destination I may be headed towards but...well I'm trying to figure out what the scenery looks like and if I like it or not. It's kinda like someone who is one way their whole life only to find out they had a brain tumor. When it gets removed they don't think anything will change until they start back into their old habits like, eating fries with ketchup. That's when they realize, they don't really like ketchup on their fries, they like mustard.

I feel like I've gone through a significant portion of my life blind to who I am. Living and acting according to the way other people believed me to be and not even really realizing it. So this is me trying to figure 'me' out.

I've come to realize that I enjoy having a higher power that I recognize. I feel so much better now, being able to give him/her/it a name...the 'Cosmic Christ' if you will. I enjoy going to church and look forward to being able to be more active in it. I feel like I've missed out on so much by not having gone to church before. I also know that my friends who knew me before I started going to church are standing there scratching their heads and going "what in the world is she on?" But it's ok.

I'm a fish in the water, flowing with tides of life, struggling against the cross currents that try to get me off track. I know that the more currents that cross me, the stronger my muscles become from overcoming them, so that each subsequent current is just that much easier to swim through. One day I'll be doing flips over those currents before they even get close. Look ma'...no hands!

Stumbling along the path...but I've got bumpers in the gutter!

I've moved on to the anger phase. I just want to punch something/someone. It would really really really make me feel so much better.

On the bright side...I've been able to channel all this anger energy towards being a study machine for finals next week!

/roar

How true

He taught me how to love, but not how to stop.

I'm fighting with myself right now. I feel so free to be able to allow my heart to be so open again and yet, there's a part of me that is struggling to lock it up tight again.

Beware my ninja wrath!!

and please don't let my katana slice my heart to ribbons.

Wary

Little Miss Mary Sunshine had a bad day
She says it's overrated living this way
She took her hair down, left her sweater on the floor
She's not a nice girl any more.

...

Everybody's favorite girl
Doesn't fake it anymore
I'm okay with who I am today
Everybody's got to change
I'm just doing what I can
Could you love me anyway?

Really?? I mean....just ... Really???

FB Status: Miss Kit'n obviously wasn't loved enough if you can *choose* to set aside your feelings for her and move on. I mean...really?

• [name of friend]: I've never been one who is able to "choose" my feelings either. I can go through the motions, but what's in my heart is independent of my input. It does what it damn well pleases.
• [Miss Kit'n]: How can you 'play house' with someone when you know you're in love with another??
• [name of friend]: I don't think love ever really goes away.

-------
Dear Miss Kit'n,

I don't see a contradiction in loving more than one person. I also know "love isn't enough"... relationships also have to work on practical levels, sexual levels, etc. So even though you love someone, doesn't mean the relationship will work. And just because you love someone, doesn't mean you can't love someone else.

[name of friend]
-------

Dear [name of friend] ,

I'm apologizing right now for any way that I may come off pissy or snippy towards you. I'm not trying to I promise. I'm just really pissed off at him right now and unfortunately that's probably going to carry over into my conversations on this topic.

I understand that you can love someone and have that relationship not work out for whatever reason and then moving on and loving someone else. This is not what I'm talking about.

He left me for some hooker he met at a bus stop simply because she was there and had a viable uterus. And yet he tells me that he's having a hard time dealing with our breakup (which he caused) because his feelings haven't gone away. He chose to set them aside and pursue something else but they're still there on some level.

Now this pisses me off because it's not like I had any decision in the matter. He perceived problems in our relationship that weren't there and instead of giving us a chance to work on it, decided to end it and hop into bed with this hooker. And yet, he's the one still having problems dealing with this. I feel like god damnit, if I can continue to move on every day then there's no damned way he should be having any problems at all and if he is then he deserves it because he fucked up a good thing.

Will I love someone else in the future. Possibly, but I'm not putting my heart out there like that again. Will I always love him. Yes. In fact, he'll probably always be my one weakness. But I'm not going to let him or anyone else make me feel so utterly unimportant and insignificant again.

sorry for the rant :/

[Miss Kit'n]
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Note to the one person who actually reads this blog (me):

1. No I don't actually believe his new girlfriend is a hooker that he met at the bus stop but that is how I will refer to her
2. I really want to just punch him in the face right now
3. I hope he's miserable without me
4. I hope he regrets his decision
5. I will never let him affect me like that again
6. any subsequent relationship he and I may or may not have will be on MY terms and not his.
7. I hope he knows that he's settled for less than what he could have had with me.
8. I still wish him the best in everything he does
9. I hope he comes to a point in life that he's truly happy
   
10. I feel sorry for him and his inability to fight for what he wants
11. I'd still take him back after all of this...but as stated in #6, only on my own terms.
12. Where the hell does he get off feeling bad about any of this? I'm the one who had my heart ripped out and stomped on and torn apart but he still can't get over it? He has no right to still feel bad about this.

...and yet after all of this, I still would take him into my arms and forgive him and love him...

Blahblahblah

The semester is winding to a close. Finals are coming up soon. There's a mad rush to study for the last few quizzes and to get the last homeworks done. I've taken the last of my muscle relaxers so I don't have to worry about sleeping too late and missing physics (sadly lol).

Been spending more time on SWG again. I missed it and my friends there. Silly thing about having a life...keeps you from submersing yourself online - except when your life is online. The thing is, every time I try to settle it never works and I always end up going back to him. It's a terrible shame lol. I told him that coming back to him was like having make up sex after a big fight...it was fun!

I could see us living together and growing old together but not in a romantical way - I've pretty much gotten over that, tho there is still the wishful thinking of course lol. Kinda like my grandma and Joe did it. Oh, they may have been sweethearts when they were younger but in their old age they were just roommates that took care of each other and didn't need anyone else.

I've been wondering a lot lately about where my life will end up. What I'll be doing in the end. Before, tho...I would have been stressing out and gotten impatient about not being there now, right this second thank you very much...today, I'm pretty ok with not being there. I'm loving where I'm at now. Living in the moment. Living my life. Laughing and loving hard. Striving to do new things and meet new people. Going out of my way to have new experiences.

Speaking of new experiences. I'm going to Denmark for spring break. I'm going to spend a whole week with him. I can't wait. I'm so excited but nervous also at the same time. I don't do well in new places and situations. I get so nervous. Afraid I'm not going to see something important or look really out of place. I felt that way even when I went to Canada but it wasn't so bad the first time because Eric wasn't at the airport to pick me up. I took a cab to the hotel and then had time to calm down and relax a bit before he got there and our first meeting was one on one in the room. With Robert it will be different. I'll be in a completely different country with a different language and I'll meet him at the airport surrounded by hundreds of other people. I'm afraid I'll walk right passed him...like I do to Victoria all the time lol.

Vic and I are also moving in together in May. This makes me very happy and I want it to be May right now! However, again...I'm not as impatient as I would normally be. I'm thinking this is a good thing. I'm embracing this new 'roll with the punches' outlook. It's kinda fun to just see where life takes me.

I've procrastinated homework enough. Time for bed.