Today's sermon was special to me because John talked about helping others who had less than you. It's, of course, right in the holiday spirit..but it's not just about that one moment of the year. It's about taking care of each other throughout the entire year. I also think I've decided where I want to start my activism...now if only I can get John to tell me who I need to talk to about it lol.
I also found a new favorite singer, Susan Werner thanks to John. He's got a song of her's on his blog with today's sermon. Love it.
Other than that, what's been going on? I've been avoiding the unavoidable. Finals are tomorrow and what have I been doing all weekend? Everything but study *sigh*. I'm terrible about this. I'll just wait till tomorrow and cram it all in. That always works right? No...but I still haven't learned yet. Oh well, for better or worse, the majority of it will be over tomorrow. Then I just have to spend Tuesday finishing up my take-home. Oh, and I'm wearing my pj's to my final tomorrow at 8am ... ugh!
I really felt the need to write something...well...more, I guess. More inspirational. More deep. More thought provoking. But I'm failing at that as well. So I s'pose I'll go tweeze my other eyebrow, watch a show on Hulu, and hopefully get to sleep early enough that I can wake up around 6 and eat breakfast/cram a little before the final.
I do hope everyone's had a good weekend.
All I wanted
I'd really appreciate it when these tears stop falling. It gets kinda difficult to carry on a conversation with a huge lump in my throat. Also, the sniffling from the teary nose isn't very attractive either.
I feel all hormonal and I haven't even started taking those pills yet *sigh*.
On the bright side, the sound is fixed and my mic works again.
Today's flubs.
| |
0
comments
|
Labels:
BoA,
flubage,
inner hooker,
porn
So while trying to fix my sound input (ie, my mic) I ended up completely removing any type of sound from my laptop. There will be no sound coming in or out of it until I find someone who can fix it. *le sigh*
Almost left my credit card at Applebee's. Yay for the the youngest Brother of Awesome (whom I will train to take my place when I graduate). Also almost left my food there that was boxed up, also yay for the yBoA! He's pretty handy to have around.
Today's topic was "Are you in touch with your inner hooker?!" and whether or not to host another adult movie night over the break. More on that tomorrow. I'm tired now.
Almost left my credit card at Applebee's. Yay for the the youngest Brother of Awesome (whom I will train to take my place when I graduate). Also almost left my food there that was boxed up, also yay for the yBoA! He's pretty handy to have around.
Today's topic was "Are you in touch with your inner hooker?!" and whether or not to host another adult movie night over the break. More on that tomorrow. I'm tired now.
An act of faith in the infinity of Godhead.
There are many paths, and mine is but one.
I will follow it as best I can.
I will not say that I am right and others wrong,
Only that I will try to do what is right for me.
The light of the sun falls on the whole Earth;
It does not shine exclusively for my benefit.
If I can see it from where I stand,
So others can see it from where they are.
But, if there are others who wish to walk beside me,
I will help them if they ask.
If there are others who do not see a way,
I will offer mine.
If my path is theirs, I will rejoice...
But if it is not, I will not sorrow.
For the Universe is infinite.
-I've had this reading for a very long time. I didn't write this, but sadly I can't find out who did.-
I will follow it as best I can.
I will not say that I am right and others wrong,
Only that I will try to do what is right for me.
The light of the sun falls on the whole Earth;
It does not shine exclusively for my benefit.
If I can see it from where I stand,
So others can see it from where they are.
But, if there are others who wish to walk beside me,
I will help them if they ask.
If there are others who do not see a way,
I will offer mine.
If my path is theirs, I will rejoice...
But if it is not, I will not sorrow.
For the Universe is infinite.
-I've had this reading for a very long time. I didn't write this, but sadly I can't find out who did.-
I don't need another hero
| Wednesday, December 9, 2009 |
0
comments
|
Labels:
Cosmic Christ,
faith,
hero,
hope,
life,
love,
Lyrics,
reality
So I've been thinking (stop laughing) ... and I think maybe I'm going about this the wrong way. Maybe instead of looking for a hero, I should be looking for a compliment. When I find the hero-type, he gets put above me. His needs supersede mine, his wants and desires become my own. I effectively get lost in him and lose sight of 'me'. I think that's what happened to me over the years. I never took the time to redefine who I was. I never reached down deep and reconnected with my center.
I've always been comfortable for the most part about where I was going, and while I might have had doubts about my path and looked on the past fondly (I'm good at blacking out the bad parts), I've never wanted to turn around and go home. No matter how scared I was. I've always been a 'look forward with your chin high' kinda person. However, I've become stuck inside myself. Feeling kinda trapped and while I find comfort in the routines that have come to shape my daily life, I'm screaming inside...trying to break free of these useless and asinine habits that aren't getting me anywhere!
I have a need to make a mark on this world, but I'm scared I think. There's so much that I can and want to do but where do I start? I'm afraid of getting overwhelmed. Actually, what it boils down to at the core of it all is love. I want to love and be loved. That might be selfish of me but I feel like, while I may not have a specific skill set to offer society, I've got plenty of love to go around. I have a story to tell. I have wisdom learned and experience gained. I hope to one day have the appropriate words to be able to express myself properly.
I wonder if my life story will be that light in the darkness for someone...or will it just contribute to their darkness...and does it really matter in the grand scheme of things? I mean, I'm only one person with only one minuscule moment of life compared to the great and powerful universe. If I give my all, will it fade away into the infinitness of existence and make as much of a ripple as if I had given nothing at all?
I honestly don't know. But, I can trust in my actions and that my motivations are for the greater good...and hope. I can cling to hope for you and me and she and we and everything and nothing all at once. I breathe hope infused air...even through my tears, there's hope. When I'm broken and beaten and bruised and tired of fighting...hope is the pillow that comforts me and the walls around me that shelter me from the storm. Hope is the very essence of love and the two are so intertwined that I can't see that you can have one without the other. How can you honestly love your neighbor if you can't honestly hope for the best for them?
Hope is what gives me strength to have faith in something bigger than me. Faith is what keeps me getting up every morning to face the day. Faith in the human race gives me the strength to love...no matter what.
I hope you don't mind.
[All the children say, "We don't need another hero.
We don't need to know the way home.
All we want is life beyond the thunder-dome."
So what do we do with our lives?
We leave only a mark.
Will our story shine like a light
Or end in the dark? Is it all or nothing?]
-excerpt from We Don't Need Another Hero by Tina Turner-
I've always been comfortable for the most part about where I was going, and while I might have had doubts about my path and looked on the past fondly (I'm good at blacking out the bad parts), I've never wanted to turn around and go home. No matter how scared I was. I've always been a 'look forward with your chin high' kinda person. However, I've become stuck inside myself. Feeling kinda trapped and while I find comfort in the routines that have come to shape my daily life, I'm screaming inside...trying to break free of these useless and asinine habits that aren't getting me anywhere!
I have a need to make a mark on this world, but I'm scared I think. There's so much that I can and want to do but where do I start? I'm afraid of getting overwhelmed. Actually, what it boils down to at the core of it all is love. I want to love and be loved. That might be selfish of me but I feel like, while I may not have a specific skill set to offer society, I've got plenty of love to go around. I have a story to tell. I have wisdom learned and experience gained. I hope to one day have the appropriate words to be able to express myself properly.
I wonder if my life story will be that light in the darkness for someone...or will it just contribute to their darkness...and does it really matter in the grand scheme of things? I mean, I'm only one person with only one minuscule moment of life compared to the great and powerful universe. If I give my all, will it fade away into the infinitness of existence and make as much of a ripple as if I had given nothing at all?
I honestly don't know. But, I can trust in my actions and that my motivations are for the greater good...and hope. I can cling to hope for you and me and she and we and everything and nothing all at once. I breathe hope infused air...even through my tears, there's hope. When I'm broken and beaten and bruised and tired of fighting...hope is the pillow that comforts me and the walls around me that shelter me from the storm. Hope is the very essence of love and the two are so intertwined that I can't see that you can have one without the other. How can you honestly love your neighbor if you can't honestly hope for the best for them?
Hope is what gives me strength to have faith in something bigger than me. Faith is what keeps me getting up every morning to face the day. Faith in the human race gives me the strength to love...no matter what.
I hope you don't mind.
[All the children say, "We don't need another hero.
We don't need to know the way home.
All we want is life beyond the thunder-dome."
So what do we do with our lives?
We leave only a mark.
Will our story shine like a light
Or end in the dark? Is it all or nothing?]
-excerpt from We Don't Need Another Hero by Tina Turner-
*smiles*
| Tuesday, December 8, 2009 |
0
comments
|
Labels:
Bob the Bird,
church,
Cosmic Christ,
fish,
Victoria
Today has been a good day. I got some studying done. I worked on something I'm not supposed to talk about so pretend I just didn't say that. I spent some wonderful and surprising time with Bob the Bird. My son ate all his dinner. I finished the tray of baklava that I bought the other day so it can't tempt me anymore!
It's late and I should get some sleep...heck, I can't even type correctly right now lol :/
I just wanted to say that...well I know I'm terribly oblivious to everything and I'm sorry. I try not to be but it's so easy to get lost in my own little world. I have a few friends that I come out for but ... if I ask you if you're ok and you tell me yes ... please don't be mad when I believe you. I trust that you'll always be honest with me and that you'll tell me if you need me. Granted, I kinda fail sometimes at the whole noticing the obvious thing (see beginning of paragraph) but please be patient. I'm still trying to figure out who I am....and that requires stepping outside of my bubble. Which is not something that's easy for me to do.
I'm struggling to find my place in this world. I mean, I know I'm walking the correct path and I'm definitely enjoying the journey to whatever destination I may be headed towards but...well I'm trying to figure out what the scenery looks like and if I like it or not. It's kinda like someone who is one way their whole life only to find out they had a brain tumor. When it gets removed they don't think anything will change until they start back into their old habits like, eating fries with ketchup. That's when they realize, they don't really like ketchup on their fries, they like mustard.
I feel like I've gone through a significant portion of my life blind to who I am. Living and acting according to the way other people believed me to be and not even really realizing it. So this is me trying to figure 'me' out.
I've come to realize that I enjoy having a higher power that I recognize. I feel so much better now, being able to give him/her/it a name...the 'Cosmic Christ' if you will. I enjoy going to church and look forward to being able to be more active in it. I feel like I've missed out on so much by not having gone to church before. I also know that my friends who knew me before I started going to church are standing there scratching their heads and going "what in the world is she on?" But it's ok.
I'm a fish in the water, flowing with tides of life, struggling against the cross currents that try to get me off track. I know that the more currents that cross me, the stronger my muscles become from overcoming them, so that each subsequent current is just that much easier to swim through. One day I'll be doing flips over those currents before they even get close. Look ma'...no hands!
It's late and I should get some sleep...heck, I can't even type correctly right now lol :/
I just wanted to say that...well I know I'm terribly oblivious to everything and I'm sorry. I try not to be but it's so easy to get lost in my own little world. I have a few friends that I come out for but ... if I ask you if you're ok and you tell me yes ... please don't be mad when I believe you. I trust that you'll always be honest with me and that you'll tell me if you need me. Granted, I kinda fail sometimes at the whole noticing the obvious thing (see beginning of paragraph) but please be patient. I'm still trying to figure out who I am....and that requires stepping outside of my bubble. Which is not something that's easy for me to do.
I'm struggling to find my place in this world. I mean, I know I'm walking the correct path and I'm definitely enjoying the journey to whatever destination I may be headed towards but...well I'm trying to figure out what the scenery looks like and if I like it or not. It's kinda like someone who is one way their whole life only to find out they had a brain tumor. When it gets removed they don't think anything will change until they start back into their old habits like, eating fries with ketchup. That's when they realize, they don't really like ketchup on their fries, they like mustard.
I feel like I've gone through a significant portion of my life blind to who I am. Living and acting according to the way other people believed me to be and not even really realizing it. So this is me trying to figure 'me' out.
I've come to realize that I enjoy having a higher power that I recognize. I feel so much better now, being able to give him/her/it a name...the 'Cosmic Christ' if you will. I enjoy going to church and look forward to being able to be more active in it. I feel like I've missed out on so much by not having gone to church before. I also know that my friends who knew me before I started going to church are standing there scratching their heads and going "what in the world is she on?" But it's ok.
I'm a fish in the water, flowing with tides of life, struggling against the cross currents that try to get me off track. I know that the more currents that cross me, the stronger my muscles become from overcoming them, so that each subsequent current is just that much easier to swim through. One day I'll be doing flips over those currents before they even get close. Look ma'...no hands!
Stumbling along the path...but I've got bumpers in the gutter!
| |
2
comments
|
Labels:
anger,
arrrgh,
energy,
finals,
study machine
I've moved on to the anger phase. I just want to punch something/someone. It would really really really make me feel so much better.
On the bright side...I've been able to channel all this anger energy towards being a study machine for finals next week!
/roar
On the bright side...I've been able to channel all this anger energy towards being a study machine for finals next week!
/roar
How true
| |
0
comments
|
Labels:
learning to live again,
love,
ninja
He taught me how to love, but not how to stop.
I'm fighting with myself right now. I feel so free to be able to allow my heart to be so open again and yet, there's a part of me that is struggling to lock it up tight again.
Beware my ninja wrath!!
and please don't let my katana slice my heart to ribbons.
I'm fighting with myself right now. I feel so free to be able to allow my heart to be so open again and yet, there's a part of me that is struggling to lock it up tight again.
Beware my ninja wrath!!
and please don't let my katana slice my heart to ribbons.
Wary
Little Miss Mary Sunshine had a bad day
She says it's overrated living this way
She took her hair down, left her sweater on the floor
She's not a nice girl any more.
...
Everybody's favorite girl
Doesn't fake it anymore
I'm okay with who I am today
Everybody's got to change
I'm just doing what I can
Could you love me anyway?
She says it's overrated living this way
She took her hair down, left her sweater on the floor
She's not a nice girl any more.
...
Everybody's favorite girl
Doesn't fake it anymore
I'm okay with who I am today
Everybody's got to change
I'm just doing what I can
Could you love me anyway?
Really?? I mean....just ... Really???
FB Status: Miss Kit'n obviously wasn't loved enough if you can *choose* to set aside your feelings for her and move on. I mean...really?
-------
Dear Miss Kit'n,
I don't see a contradiction in loving more than one person. I also know "love isn't enough"... relationships also have to work on practical levels, sexual levels, etc. So even though you love someone, doesn't mean the relationship will work. And just because you love someone, doesn't mean you can't love someone else.
-------
Dear [name of friend],
I'm apologizing right now for any way that I may come off pissy or snippy towards you. I'm not trying to I promise. I'm just really pissed off at him right now and unfortunately that's probably going to carry over into my conversations on this topic.
I understand that you can love someone and have that relationship not work out for whatever reason and then moving on and loving someone else. This is not what I'm talking about.
He left me for some hooker he met at a bus stop simply because she was there and had a viable uterus. And yet he tells me that he's having a hard time dealing with our breakup (which he caused) because his feelings haven't gone away. He chose to set them aside and pursue something else but they're still there on some level.
Now this pisses me off because it's not like I had any decision in the matter. He perceived problems in our relationship that weren't there and instead of giving us a chance to work on it, decided to end it and hop into bed with this hooker. And yet, he's the one still having problems dealing with this. I feel like god damnit, if I can continue to move on every day then there's no damned way he should be having any problems at all and if he is then he deserves it because he fucked up a good thing.
Will I love someone else in the future. Possibly, but I'm not putting my heart out there like that again. Will I always love him. Yes. In fact, he'll probably always be my one weakness. But I'm not going to let him or anyone else make me feel so utterly unimportant and insignificant again.
sorry for the rant :/
[Miss Kit'n]
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Note to the one person who actually reads this blog (me):
[name of friend]: I've never been one who is able to "choose" my feelings either. I can go through the motions, but what's in my heart is independent of my input. It does what it damn well pleases. [Miss Kit'n]: How can you 'play house' with someone when you know you're in love with another?? [name of friend]: I don't think love ever really goes away.
-------
Dear Miss Kit'n,
I don't see a contradiction in loving more than one person. I also know "love isn't enough"... relationships also have to work on practical levels, sexual levels, etc. So even though you love someone, doesn't mean the relationship will work. And just because you love someone, doesn't mean you can't love someone else.
-------
Dear [name of friend]
I'm apologizing right now for any way that I may come off pissy or snippy towards you. I'm not trying to I promise. I'm just really pissed off at him right now and unfortunately that's probably going to carry over into my conversations on this topic.
I understand that you can love someone and have that relationship not work out for whatever reason and then moving on and loving someone else. This is not what I'm talking about.
He left me for some hooker he met at a bus stop simply because she was there and had a viable uterus. And yet he tells me that he's having a hard time dealing with our breakup (which he caused) because his feelings haven't gone away. He chose to set them aside and pursue something else but they're still there on some level.
Now this pisses me off because it's not like I had any decision in the matter. He perceived problems in our relationship that weren't there and instead of giving us a chance to work on it, decided to end it and hop into bed with this hooker. And yet, he's the one still having problems dealing with this. I feel like god damnit, if I can continue to move on every day then there's no damned way he should be having any problems at all and if he is then he deserves it because he fucked up a good thing.
Will I love someone else in the future. Possibly, but I'm not putting my heart out there like that again. Will I always love him. Yes. In fact, he'll probably always be my one weakness. But I'm not going to let him or anyone else make me feel so utterly unimportant and insignificant again.
sorry for the rant :/
[Miss Kit'n]
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Note to the one person who actually reads this blog (me):
- No I don't actually believe his new girlfriend is a hooker that he met at the bus stop but that is how I will refer to her
- I really want to just punch him in the face right now
- I hope he's miserable without me
- I hope he regrets his decision
- I will never let him affect me like that again
- any subsequent relationship he and I may or may not have will be on MY terms and not his.
- I hope he knows that he's settled for less than what he could have had with me.
- I still wish him the best in everything he does
- I hope he comes to a point in life that he's truly happy
- I feel sorry for him and his inability to fight for what he wants
- I'd still take him back after all of this...but as stated in #6, only on my own terms.
- Where the hell does he get off feeling bad about any of this? I'm the one who had my heart ripped out and stomped on and torn apart but he still can't get over it? He has no right to still feel bad about this.
...and yet after all of this, I still would take him into my arms and forgive him and love him...
Blahblahblah
The semester is winding to a close. Finals are coming up soon. There's a mad rush to study for the last few quizzes and to get the last homeworks done. I've taken the last of my muscle relaxers so I don't have to worry about sleeping too late and missing physics (sadly lol).
Been spending more time on SWG again. I missed it and my friends there. Silly thing about having a life...keeps you from submersing yourself online - except when your life is online. The thing is, every time I try to settle it never works and I always end up going back to him. It's a terrible shame lol. I told him that coming back to him was like having make up sex after a big fight...it was fun!
I could see us living together and growing old together but not in a romantical way - I've pretty much gotten over that, tho there is still the wishful thinking of course lol. Kinda like my grandma and Joe did it. Oh, they may have been sweethearts when they were younger but in their old age they were just roommates that took care of each other and didn't need anyone else.
I've been wondering a lot lately about where my life will end up. What I'll be doing in the end. Before, tho...I would have been stressing out and gotten impatient about not being there now, right this second thank you very much...today, I'm pretty ok with not being there. I'm loving where I'm at now. Living in the moment. Living my life. Laughing and loving hard. Striving to do new things and meet new people. Going out of my way to have new experiences.
Speaking of new experiences. I'm going to Denmark for spring break. I'm going to spend a whole week with him. I can't wait. I'm so excited but nervous also at the same time. I don't do well in new places and situations. I get so nervous. Afraid I'm not going to see something important or look really out of place. I felt that way even when I went to Canada but it wasn't so bad the first time because Eric wasn't at the airport to pick me up. I took a cab to the hotel and then had time to calm down and relax a bit before he got there and our first meeting was one on one in the room. With Robert it will be different. I'll be in a completely different country with a different language and I'll meet him at the airport surrounded by hundreds of other people. I'm afraid I'll walk right passed him...like I do to Victoria all the time lol.
Vic and I are also moving in together in May. This makes me very happy and I want it to be May right now! However, again...I'm not as impatient as I would normally be. I'm thinking this is a good thing. I'm embracing this new 'roll with the punches' outlook. It's kinda fun to just see where life takes me.
I've procrastinated homework enough. Time for bed.
Been spending more time on SWG again. I missed it and my friends there. Silly thing about having a life...keeps you from submersing yourself online - except when your life is online. The thing is, every time I try to settle it never works and I always end up going back to him. It's a terrible shame lol. I told him that coming back to him was like having make up sex after a big fight...it was fun!
I could see us living together and growing old together but not in a romantical way - I've pretty much gotten over that, tho there is still the wishful thinking of course lol. Kinda like my grandma and Joe did it. Oh, they may have been sweethearts when they were younger but in their old age they were just roommates that took care of each other and didn't need anyone else.
I've been wondering a lot lately about where my life will end up. What I'll be doing in the end. Before, tho...I would have been stressing out and gotten impatient about not being there now, right this second thank you very much...today, I'm pretty ok with not being there. I'm loving where I'm at now. Living in the moment. Living my life. Laughing and loving hard. Striving to do new things and meet new people. Going out of my way to have new experiences.
Speaking of new experiences. I'm going to Denmark for spring break. I'm going to spend a whole week with him. I can't wait. I'm so excited but nervous also at the same time. I don't do well in new places and situations. I get so nervous. Afraid I'm not going to see something important or look really out of place. I felt that way even when I went to Canada but it wasn't so bad the first time because Eric wasn't at the airport to pick me up. I took a cab to the hotel and then had time to calm down and relax a bit before he got there and our first meeting was one on one in the room. With Robert it will be different. I'll be in a completely different country with a different language and I'll meet him at the airport surrounded by hundreds of other people. I'm afraid I'll walk right passed him...like I do to Victoria all the time lol.
Vic and I are also moving in together in May. This makes me very happy and I want it to be May right now! However, again...I'm not as impatient as I would normally be. I'm thinking this is a good thing. I'm embracing this new 'roll with the punches' outlook. It's kinda fun to just see where life takes me.
I've procrastinated homework enough. Time for bed.
For me.
I am not:
- responsible for your failure to communicate
- your doormat
- perfect
- able to let you go yet
- allowing you to walk all over my heart anymore
- letting myself make excuses for the way you treat me
- going to let my skin crawl when I think of you with her
- going to hate myself for being something I'm not
- going to believe that while you weren't good enough for me, I'm not good enough for anyone else
- going to lie to myself anymore
- going to make excuses for your inability to help me let go
- going to depend on you for support anymore, I can do it without you
- going to believe your promises...they've lost value with me now
- going to hate you...I'm a bigger person than that
- going to adjust my life or my schedule around you anymore
- going to stop being me
I am:
- beautiful
- a good person
- wonderful
- deserving of love
- willing to let other people in even after you trampled over my heart
- strong enough to live without you
- surrounded by magnificent friends who took the time to really get to know me and still love me anyway.
- ok with still hurting from you leaving me
- going to heal and be stronger because of it
- thankful for the time we had together
- sorry you never knew me
- forgiving you
- still crying myself to sleep sometimes
- learning to let go
- going to stop dwelling on the 'what ifs'
- going to give you your time to heal
- going to always be there for you...but on my own terms this time
- making new friends
- perfectly ok with where I'm at now
- responsible for your failure to communicate
- your doormat
- perfect
- able to let you go yet
- allowing you to walk all over my heart anymore
- letting myself make excuses for the way you treat me
- going to let my skin crawl when I think of you with her
- going to hate myself for being something I'm not
- going to believe that while you weren't good enough for me, I'm not good enough for anyone else
- going to lie to myself anymore
- going to make excuses for your inability to help me let go
- going to depend on you for support anymore, I can do it without you
- going to believe your promises...they've lost value with me now
- going to hate you...I'm a bigger person than that
- going to adjust my life or my schedule around you anymore
- going to stop being me
I am:
- beautiful
- a good person
- wonderful
- deserving of love
- willing to let other people in even after you trampled over my heart
- strong enough to live without you
- surrounded by magnificent friends who took the time to really get to know me and still love me anyway.
- ok with still hurting from you leaving me
- going to heal and be stronger because of it
- thankful for the time we had together
- sorry you never knew me
- forgiving you
- still crying myself to sleep sometimes
- learning to let go
- going to stop dwelling on the 'what ifs'
- going to give you your time to heal
- going to always be there for you...but on my own terms this time
- making new friends
- perfectly ok with where I'm at now
Boredom
......
It's thanksgiving. Victoria is at her apartment with her mom. We spent the day with Rachel. I took Christopher, Jasmyn and Jaxxon home with me. I think I'm crazy. I hope the baby sleeps through the night. I'm supposed to go see G tomorrow. Hope he makes it home in time lol.
I don't really have anything else to say right now. I should put the kids to bed and read for awhile before bed.
.......
It's thanksgiving. Victoria is at her apartment with her mom. We spent the day with Rachel. I took Christopher, Jasmyn and Jaxxon home with me. I think I'm crazy. I hope the baby sleeps through the night. I'm supposed to go see G tomorrow. Hope he makes it home in time lol.
I don't really have anything else to say right now. I should put the kids to bed and read for awhile before bed.
.......
Eat my hands.
I've been having the urge to write lately but I'm not exactly sure what to write about. When I've tried to put pencil to paper and make words, it doesn't end well *sigh*.
It's barely after 6pm and I'm exhausted. I have the need to reach out to old friends for laughter and witty banter, but there's no one around. I have homework I should be working on but I feel the need to curl up on the couch and read. Ugh....I don't really feel restless, I just feel like I should be doing something else...but I don't have the energy to even try.
I have the need to have someone to curl up with....but that's one need that will go unsatiated.
It's barely after 6pm and I'm exhausted. I have the need to reach out to old friends for laughter and witty banter, but there's no one around. I have homework I should be working on but I feel the need to curl up on the couch and read. Ugh....I don't really feel restless, I just feel like I should be doing something else...but I don't have the energy to even try.
I have the need to have someone to curl up with....but that's one need that will go unsatiated.
Mothers
My mom asked how I was today. She said she was sorry. I almost cried. So much for thinking I was doing ok.
New Moon
| |
0
comments
|
Labels:
bad acting,
moving on
I went to see the movie tonight with Victoria. We got there about an hour early and they had us line up for the theater 30 minutes before the showtime...and then they were 30 minutes late showing it!
All in all, it was a fairly good movie. There were funny parts and the amount of man-hips were just overwhelming. I think I was drooling most of the time. Not at Edward or Jacob....but their hips. Gah, I have a severe obsession with hips....and I miss you.
It was kinda hard to watch the movie tonight. Little things made me think of you. That Jacob is a furnace for Bella...I miss how you made me sweat. When Edward broke it off with her and she refuses to believe that he doesn't want to be with her. After he left, how she says that she felt like their was a hole in her chest. How she tried to do things she knew he wouldn't approve of, just to hear his voice in her head telling her to stop. Then in the end, when he tells her that he can't exist in a world without her. My eyes got a little wet and my throat closed up a bit.
But we're not Edward and Bella are we? We're not some fairy tale dream. You don't want me anymore and I'm learning to live with that. I feel like her in a way....spending all my time with other people trying to fill the hole in my heart...and it works, for the most part. I'm able to convince myself that I'm better than I really am. But then there are moments like this. When I see what we had reflected in other people. And then realize that the difference between us and them is that they'll have their fairy tale ending.
I'm overly emotional right now because I'm exhausted...please forgive me. I really am doing okay...but I still have my moments, and they kinda sneak up on me. I really wanted to get up and leave in the middle of the movie but I couldn't. I love the story so much. The struggle and the love. The hope and the despair. This was one of those moments. I'll go to sleep soon and will want to cry but the tears won't come. Eventually I'll fall asleep and tomorrow will be a new day, full of hope and beginnings.
I've decided that I'm going to put my passport to use. I'm spending a week in March with my very dear friend Robert in Denmark. I'm going to sleep in his spare bed and spend hours talking and flirting and laughing and eating and dancing and snuggling on the couch watching terrible movies together. He's going into the Army soon and I'm afraid that if something ever happened to him I'll feel terrible that I never got to hug him. 5 years we've been friends. He's helped me through so much and we've been through so much together....and yet no matter what, I always go back to him. I treasure him so much.
I've also made a new friend who lives about an hour away. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about him yet. We talk every day, emails and texts. He makes me laugh with his words and his mannerisms. He knows about you and how I'm healing and he's ok with that. He respects my space and my need to step back and move slowly. Regardless of any attraction he and I may or may not have towards each other, he's already proven to me that he will be a wonderful friend and I'm going to talk to him about spending the day together soon. Maybe next weekend. I'll let him take me to a bookstore and we'll sit in the coffee shop and discuss our favorite authors and art and the meaning of life and then I'll let him take me to dinner for more wonderful conversation and afterwords I may let him take me to his studio and let me see his artwork. Or I may just meet him for coffee, have a couple of laughs but be extremely uncomfortable, call it an early night and go home. Either way is fine by me.
I think Victoria and I are going to get an apartment together. We're going to go looking over the next couple of weeks/months and try to get into something next summer. It would be nice to have a roommate I think. Especially her. She and I work really well together...altho, I feel extremely guilty for leaving her on spring break to go visit Robert...but she pretty much told me I had to lol.
Anyway, I think it's just about bedtime. You haven't written me in a couple of days and I'm not really sure what to think about that. You have no obligation to contact me every day and I'm sure you probably don't want to. I'm sure that you stay away from the computer as much as possible trying to do everything you can to forget I exist....to make it easier for you to move on with your life. I can't blame you. I try not to think about you. It still kinda hurts. When I'm not looking and my guard is down, I can feel that missing piece of my heart that you still have.
I hope she makes you happy. Truly and honestly happy. You do deserve it. I hope that one day you love her more than you loved me.
Meh, I'm getting all sappy and shit...yeah, it's time for bed.
I love you.
I love us.
I love me.
All in all, it was a fairly good movie. There were funny parts and the amount of man-hips were just overwhelming. I think I was drooling most of the time. Not at Edward or Jacob....but their hips. Gah, I have a severe obsession with hips....and I miss you.
It was kinda hard to watch the movie tonight. Little things made me think of you. That Jacob is a furnace for Bella...I miss how you made me sweat. When Edward broke it off with her and she refuses to believe that he doesn't want to be with her. After he left, how she says that she felt like their was a hole in her chest. How she tried to do things she knew he wouldn't approve of, just to hear his voice in her head telling her to stop. Then in the end, when he tells her that he can't exist in a world without her. My eyes got a little wet and my throat closed up a bit.
But we're not Edward and Bella are we? We're not some fairy tale dream. You don't want me anymore and I'm learning to live with that. I feel like her in a way....spending all my time with other people trying to fill the hole in my heart...and it works, for the most part. I'm able to convince myself that I'm better than I really am. But then there are moments like this. When I see what we had reflected in other people. And then realize that the difference between us and them is that they'll have their fairy tale ending.
I'm overly emotional right now because I'm exhausted...please forgive me. I really am doing okay...but I still have my moments, and they kinda sneak up on me. I really wanted to get up and leave in the middle of the movie but I couldn't. I love the story so much. The struggle and the love. The hope and the despair. This was one of those moments. I'll go to sleep soon and will want to cry but the tears won't come. Eventually I'll fall asleep and tomorrow will be a new day, full of hope and beginnings.
I've decided that I'm going to put my passport to use. I'm spending a week in March with my very dear friend Robert in Denmark. I'm going to sleep in his spare bed and spend hours talking and flirting and laughing and eating and dancing and snuggling on the couch watching terrible movies together. He's going into the Army soon and I'm afraid that if something ever happened to him I'll feel terrible that I never got to hug him. 5 years we've been friends. He's helped me through so much and we've been through so much together....and yet no matter what, I always go back to him. I treasure him so much.
I've also made a new friend who lives about an hour away. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about him yet. We talk every day, emails and texts. He makes me laugh with his words and his mannerisms. He knows about you and how I'm healing and he's ok with that. He respects my space and my need to step back and move slowly. Regardless of any attraction he and I may or may not have towards each other, he's already proven to me that he will be a wonderful friend and I'm going to talk to him about spending the day together soon. Maybe next weekend. I'll let him take me to a bookstore and we'll sit in the coffee shop and discuss our favorite authors and art and the meaning of life and then I'll let him take me to dinner for more wonderful conversation and afterwords I may let him take me to his studio and let me see his artwork. Or I may just meet him for coffee, have a couple of laughs but be extremely uncomfortable, call it an early night and go home. Either way is fine by me.
I think Victoria and I are going to get an apartment together. We're going to go looking over the next couple of weeks/months and try to get into something next summer. It would be nice to have a roommate I think. Especially her. She and I work really well together...altho, I feel extremely guilty for leaving her on spring break to go visit Robert...but she pretty much told me I had to lol.
Anyway, I think it's just about bedtime. You haven't written me in a couple of days and I'm not really sure what to think about that. You have no obligation to contact me every day and I'm sure you probably don't want to. I'm sure that you stay away from the computer as much as possible trying to do everything you can to forget I exist....to make it easier for you to move on with your life. I can't blame you. I try not to think about you. It still kinda hurts. When I'm not looking and my guard is down, I can feel that missing piece of my heart that you still have.
I hope she makes you happy. Truly and honestly happy. You do deserve it. I hope that one day you love her more than you loved me.
Meh, I'm getting all sappy and shit...yeah, it's time for bed.
I love you.
I love us.
I love me.
Moving on.
| Thursday, November 19, 2009 |
0
comments
|
Labels:
learning to live again,
moving on,
redefining life,
Tao
Today marks a week since he said goodbye...and yet I feel oddly at peace. I've met new friends, a couple that are just amazing and have so much love to share that they are willing to bring another person into their relationship...a minister who gives sermons at a progressive church and is open minded enough to believe that hey, I'm not necessarily going to hell just because I don't believe that the Christian God is the almighty....and a man from a social networking/dating site that gives amazing conversation and respects the fact that I am only recently single and healing and not looking for any type of relationship other than friends...not once has he been anything but fun and friendly and yet, I know he's happy to wait to see if we have chemistry until and if I'm ever ready for that.
I've picked up my copy of the Tao again. Here's a piece from chapter 29:
Sometimes you lead
Sometimes you follow
Sometimes you are stifled
Sometimes you breathe easy
Sometimes you are strong
Sometimes you are weak
Sometimes you destroy
And sometimes you are destroyed.
This really speaks to me right now. I love him deeply. I always will. I hope that he doesn't beat himself up over his decision. He did what he thought was best for him and how can I fault that? I just need to take this experience and see what kind of person I become when I emerge fully from it. I'm cautiously excited.
My counselor tells me I should look into meditation to help me get over my control issues. I always have to know what's going on. I have a hard time being ok when I can't see the big picture. I've been feeling complacent and lost a bit myself lately...like I'm wandering around in nothingness but that if I can just go a little bit further in I can get past the nothingness and see what's really there, except there's a tether that's keeping me from going any further. It feels almost like a safety net and yet I also feel a little aggravated by it. Slowly I'm going to figure this out. Right now I'm just living in the here and now. Wishing and praying that my loved ones find happiness and serenity in their lives.
I'm able to listen to music without thinking of him and crying. This is a big step for me...oh how I've missed my music.
Thoughts are jumbled but they flow as they're meant to.
I've picked up my copy of the Tao again. Here's a piece from chapter 29:
Sometimes you lead
Sometimes you follow
Sometimes you are stifled
Sometimes you breathe easy
Sometimes you are strong
Sometimes you are weak
Sometimes you destroy
And sometimes you are destroyed.
This really speaks to me right now. I love him deeply. I always will. I hope that he doesn't beat himself up over his decision. He did what he thought was best for him and how can I fault that? I just need to take this experience and see what kind of person I become when I emerge fully from it. I'm cautiously excited.
My counselor tells me I should look into meditation to help me get over my control issues. I always have to know what's going on. I have a hard time being ok when I can't see the big picture. I've been feeling complacent and lost a bit myself lately...like I'm wandering around in nothingness but that if I can just go a little bit further in I can get past the nothingness and see what's really there, except there's a tether that's keeping me from going any further. It feels almost like a safety net and yet I also feel a little aggravated by it. Slowly I'm going to figure this out. Right now I'm just living in the here and now. Wishing and praying that my loved ones find happiness and serenity in their lives.
I'm able to listen to music without thinking of him and crying. This is a big step for me...oh how I've missed my music.
Thoughts are jumbled but they flow as they're meant to.
Fresh?
I need a change, but I still need to blog.
Maybe I'll change this one around and make it useful again.
I'm healing.
Maybe I'll change this one around and make it useful again.
I'm healing.
Fuck a duck with the wrong end of a plunger!
You're walking around like nothing's wrong but your entire world is about to fall apart. If you'd be honest with yourself you'd have seen this coming long before me. I don't know that you can see without your glasses though. I just want to scream in your face and shove you down the stairs. Maybe that will knock you off your crooked path. Set you back on the walk you should have been on...alone...together...regardless...without him.
A punch in the nose...a smack in the face...some cyanide in your cereal might be your saving grace. The snow on the television is breaking up the rainbow. Bleach and Ajax with a dash of vinegar might make you dance like a star. To yourself...who are we to judge...yet you turn your head and look to the crowd with pleading eyes...willing to pay someone else to fix themselves...willing to bribe the dog with peanut butter to fuck the neighbor's cousin in her sleep to make sure no one knows that it's really you that's fucked up...not us. We shit perfection and you smear it over yourself trying to catch up but you only smell worse.
There's a staircase...2 flights should be enough...if you let me trip you I promise I'll feel better. A window perhaps...I'll move the car so you don't scratch it....give me a minute to turn up this song...or should I tape your mouth shut...no one cares about your screams.
Oh look...a squirrel.
A punch in the nose...a smack in the face...some cyanide in your cereal might be your saving grace. The snow on the television is breaking up the rainbow. Bleach and Ajax with a dash of vinegar might make you dance like a star. To yourself...who are we to judge...yet you turn your head and look to the crowd with pleading eyes...willing to pay someone else to fix themselves...willing to bribe the dog with peanut butter to fuck the neighbor's cousin in her sleep to make sure no one knows that it's really you that's fucked up...not us. We shit perfection and you smear it over yourself trying to catch up but you only smell worse.
There's a staircase...2 flights should be enough...if you let me trip you I promise I'll feel better. A window perhaps...I'll move the car so you don't scratch it....give me a minute to turn up this song...or should I tape your mouth shut...no one cares about your screams.
Oh look...a squirrel.
Explosion pending.
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
I hate this...omg I hate this soooo much. I'm tired of feeling like I'm your dirty secret when we both know I'm not!!!
I want the option to molest you whenever and where ever I want to damnit. I don't want to have to restrain myself at all when it concerns you.
This is the worst part of being away from you.
I hate it.
ALOT.
I hate this...omg I hate this soooo much. I'm tired of feeling like I'm your dirty secret when we both know I'm not!!!
I want the option to molest you whenever and where ever I want to damnit. I don't want to have to restrain myself at all when it concerns you.
This is the worst part of being away from you.
I hate it.
ALOT.
Look...a post...
and it's not on a fence...
I'm not big on the whole blogging thing...I can go weeks and months without putting anything down. I'm not a fan of words. Which actually kinda sucks since we need them to talk...who knew?? I feel....lost...like I'm walking around in a cloud that's keeping me from my daily life. I should have been studying all day but I only found enough motivation to get my book and notes together and stack them neatly in a pile. Yesterday I had someone to talk to, and a book to read, and a plan to spend today studying...today, I have nothing but a deep sadness and a unsettling feeling of being so very alone. I hate it.
Ok, I need to stop being so damned pitiful...I'm going to try to study now. Not that you care or anything, right?
I'm not big on the whole blogging thing...I can go weeks and months without putting anything down. I'm not a fan of words. Which actually kinda sucks since we need them to talk...who knew?? I feel....lost...like I'm walking around in a cloud that's keeping me from my daily life. I should have been studying all day but I only found enough motivation to get my book and notes together and stack them neatly in a pile. Yesterday I had someone to talk to, and a book to read, and a plan to spend today studying...today, I have nothing but a deep sadness and a unsettling feeling of being so very alone. I hate it.
Ok, I need to stop being so damned pitiful...I'm going to try to study now. Not that you care or anything, right?
If it kills me.
Time is an elusive, tangible evil....it teases you with its closeness then jumps back and laughs at how far away it really is...because no matter how close it is, it's never close enough...until it is...but when it is, oh how my heart will sing...to be with you, wrapped up in your arms, home...finally.
My heart wants to skip a beat when you come near...my nose wants to become intoxicated with your smell...my tongue wants to be intimate with your taste...my skin tingles to become one with yours.
I never realized how empty my bed was until I met you....I wonder if time is enjoying this 10 day tease???
My heart wants to skip a beat when you come near...my nose wants to become intoxicated with your smell...my tongue wants to be intimate with your taste...my skin tingles to become one with yours.
I never realized how empty my bed was until I met you....I wonder if time is enjoying this 10 day tease???
My dear sweet Coraline...
....you really know how to blow, tho it's too bad you don't swallow...I might actually have gotten my money's worth.
I can't really complain since the wives and kid enjoyed it. Oh the things one does to keep your significant others happy....
What have you done lately??
I can't really complain since the wives and kid enjoyed it. Oh the things one does to keep your significant others happy....
What have you done lately??
Masturbation
| |
0
comments
|
Labels:
masturbation
so why is it that it feels better when you're sick/intoxicated or otherwise not feeling normal?
I think I masturbate more when I'm sick than I do the rest of the year....
I'll be in my bunk.
I think I masturbate more when I'm sick than I do the rest of the year....
I'll be in my bunk.
Things to do at work..
| |
0
comments
|
Labels:
sex,
work
I'm a very private person when it comes to sex...do it in the privacy of your own home and all that jazz, well at least not on video or anything.
There's this thing that's been on my mind for awhile now...and I'm really wanting to try it, but I'm too much of a chicken lol.
I wanna have sex at work. Not just boring ol' on the desk sex. I'm talking, up against the glass windows so that the blinds get squished and everyone outside can see your hand ride up my thigh and under my skirt, take a few steps to the next wall and pin me too it so close that I have to breathe through your mouth, rip my top open so buttons go flying as you push me down on top of the desk and frantically pushing things away so I don't get stabbed with scissors, fuck me so hard I can't be quiet and your boss walks in on us but can't do anything but stand there and stare while the rest of the office is looking over his shoulder.
That's the kinda sex I want....just thought I'd throw that out there
There's this thing that's been on my mind for awhile now...and I'm really wanting to try it, but I'm too much of a chicken lol.
I wanna have sex at work. Not just boring ol' on the desk sex. I'm talking, up against the glass windows so that the blinds get squished and everyone outside can see your hand ride up my thigh and under my skirt, take a few steps to the next wall and pin me too it so close that I have to breathe through your mouth, rip my top open so buttons go flying as you push me down on top of the desk and frantically pushing things away so I don't get stabbed with scissors, fuck me so hard I can't be quiet and your boss walks in on us but can't do anything but stand there and stare while the rest of the office is looking over his shoulder.
That's the kinda sex I want....just thought I'd throw that out there
Something....maybe?
| |
0
comments
|
i'm tired...and sore...and hungry...and worn to the bone with weariness...wishing i was a little more selfish...oh wait...i am he said...irrationally...what does that mean...show me the numbers...here let me throw them up in your face for you....you see the curve of this two...the hard lines of this seven...that's my heart...on my sleeve...the fullness of this eight...my love...the sharp corners of that four...you...and all with downward motion...wont let my love settle and i'm not skilled enough to sink it in your trenches....to over flow you into a nine...so give me that pencil...i need the eraser to fix me...to change my lines into something you'll like better...excuse me while i bleed tears...
Cardboard Smiles
| |
0
comments
|
stay awake for me...leave your eyes open...let's find this moment together....leave her at the door...i'll put my doubts and fears in her pocket for safe keeping...this is what matters...you...me...maybe one day i'll start to believe i matter to someone....would you mind helping me tonight....maybe it's just me...maybe i'm the flawed one...maybe I shouldn't have used the mask on the back of the cereal box..they never last long in the rain...
The stark white walls of my mind
| |
0
comments
|
so i'm staring around the room and it's full of people. you're here somewhere. i'm sure of it. you have to be. my heart wouldn't lie to me...would it? trying to walk through life but no one moves out of the way. guess this is what invisible feels like. the air so thick. laughter travels slowly across the street. thought i heard your voice. thought i smelled you. thought your heart was calling to me. i see your hand. reaching for me from around a corner. or is that the doctor.
the red of the vending machine is too bright. need to turn off the light. someone make the squeaking stop. rubber on linoleum. metal on metal. doors clicking open. slamming closed. monitors beeping. steady beep beep. turning our hearts into nothing but lines on a screen. someone talking. to me. to her. to someone. life is meaningless. it comes down to one moment. the green lines on the machine. you can take my heart. i don't need it anymore. not without you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
so here i am again. staring around this room. everything's changed. it's not so full anymore. like my heart. i'm redecorating. you might like this color. it's called hope. forgiveness. moving on. living. sometimes even learning to love again. i still get lonely without you. your laughter still haunts me. your eyes still follow me in my dreams. i try not to hold on too tightly. sometimes it works. sometimes it doesn't. sometimes i find myself crying over your grave. everything's changed. but i still miss you.
the red of the vending machine is too bright. need to turn off the light. someone make the squeaking stop. rubber on linoleum. metal on metal. doors clicking open. slamming closed. monitors beeping. steady beep beep. turning our hearts into nothing but lines on a screen. someone talking. to me. to her. to someone. life is meaningless. it comes down to one moment. the green lines on the machine. you can take my heart. i don't need it anymore. not without you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
so here i am again. staring around this room. everything's changed. it's not so full anymore. like my heart. i'm redecorating. you might like this color. it's called hope. forgiveness. moving on. living. sometimes even learning to love again. i still get lonely without you. your laughter still haunts me. your eyes still follow me in my dreams. i try not to hold on too tightly. sometimes it works. sometimes it doesn't. sometimes i find myself crying over your grave. everything's changed. but i still miss you.
Deep in my heart
| |
0
comments
|
I hate words, they always fail me...and yet I struggle to make myself understood, to find the correct words to express how I feel. To make you understand. It's funny how when words are all you have, they become your best friend.
The shortest distance between two points is a straight line...but the shortest distance between two hearts is an undefined function...do the two endpoints realize that they are connected? Most likely not. Until you pencil in the line...trace it with a ruler...highlight it with red ink. Your ink has infected my heart...made it swell...made it brighter...filled in the cracks. You traced numbers in my skin and left me with nothing but your smell.
Always just out of reach...you infect my very soul.
The shortest distance between two points is a straight line...but the shortest distance between two hearts is an undefined function...do the two endpoints realize that they are connected? Most likely not. Until you pencil in the line...trace it with a ruler...highlight it with red ink. Your ink has infected my heart...made it swell...made it brighter...filled in the cracks. You traced numbers in my skin and left me with nothing but your smell.
Always just out of reach...you infect my very soul.
Darkness Waking - 1
I've got a headache. Pushing open the door to a room filled with laughter and smoke mingled with music doesn't help much. It's too busy here..I should go home. Leaning against the door frame I sigh...nothing to go home to but an empty fridge and an emptier bed. I'm going to stay...even just to pretend that I'm not alone for a brief moment or two. Eyes dart around the room and find an empty stool in the middle of the bar along with the quickest route to it...or so I thought.
Dodging bodies..watching thick hands on soft skin...half these women in here wouldn't be getting all their attention if it were a little brighter and the alcohol not offered so readily. I can't fault them though...we're social creatures...even if we don't want to, we crave the connection another human being gives us...the touch..a look..a slight wave of breath on our skin. It carries us to the next moment. I twist like a dancer, weaving through the masses...can't avoid the drunks even when you want to....and he slammed right into me. The only thing that kept him from falling was his iron grip on my breasts. Reeling from the sudden contact and unable to process the fact that this .... person ... was groping me and drooling, I almost threw up on him. Thankfully, his drunken female companion came over and loudly whispered something about sucking him like a leech in the bathroom and took him away...I almost vomited again.
I shouted my drink order to the bartender before I even sat down and as my ass hit the stool I had the shot glass in hand, the liquid in my throat, and motioned for another. The second and third followed the first without much of a fight and while I let them get to know each other, I scanned the room.
The music is offensive, it smells like funky monkey ass in here, the men are either too short, too tall, too fat, too skinny, too creepy, too pretty, too...something, the women are desperate...as always, there's sex in the air and all you need is a Vegas chip, some silicon, or a hellalot of money to get so drunk you don't care.
The bartender is busy...and not what I'm looking for. He probably only does this to make money to pay his way through college...just like all the strippers...yeah, and I'm sure the sex he gets from random women every night dosen't hurt either. Nah, he's too smart...
Every other man in here is too drunk. That's what I get for taking so long to get here...I don't want anymore alcohol in my system than what I've already had. Drink too much and you'll be waking up beside them in the morning and they'll be spouting love poems while you're throwing on clothes and trying to find the words to say you only used them to fulfill a basic need and it wasn't anything spectacular anyway. No sir...I like my men out cold when I'm done. Easier to get away. No messy complications.
I need to move...I'm getting restless...I need a fix soon.
Dodging bodies..watching thick hands on soft skin...half these women in here wouldn't be getting all their attention if it were a little brighter and the alcohol not offered so readily. I can't fault them though...we're social creatures...even if we don't want to, we crave the connection another human being gives us...the touch..a look..a slight wave of breath on our skin. It carries us to the next moment. I twist like a dancer, weaving through the masses...can't avoid the drunks even when you want to....and he slammed right into me. The only thing that kept him from falling was his iron grip on my breasts. Reeling from the sudden contact and unable to process the fact that this .... person ... was groping me and drooling, I almost threw up on him. Thankfully, his drunken female companion came over and loudly whispered something about sucking him like a leech in the bathroom and took him away...I almost vomited again.
I shouted my drink order to the bartender before I even sat down and as my ass hit the stool I had the shot glass in hand, the liquid in my throat, and motioned for another. The second and third followed the first without much of a fight and while I let them get to know each other, I scanned the room.
The music is offensive, it smells like funky monkey ass in here, the men are either too short, too tall, too fat, too skinny, too creepy, too pretty, too...something, the women are desperate...as always, there's sex in the air and all you need is a Vegas chip, some silicon, or a hellalot of money to get so drunk you don't care.
The bartender is busy...and not what I'm looking for. He probably only does this to make money to pay his way through college...just like all the strippers...yeah, and I'm sure the sex he gets from random women every night dosen't hurt either. Nah, he's too smart...
Every other man in here is too drunk. That's what I get for taking so long to get here...I don't want anymore alcohol in my system than what I've already had. Drink too much and you'll be waking up beside them in the morning and they'll be spouting love poems while you're throwing on clothes and trying to find the words to say you only used them to fulfill a basic need and it wasn't anything spectacular anyway. No sir...I like my men out cold when I'm done. Easier to get away. No messy complications.
I need to move...I'm getting restless...I need a fix soon.
Touch Me Madly - 2
| |
0
comments
|
Labels:
confessions,
masturbation,
sex
I'm done here...maybe I'll scan the grocery store for some late night meat. Unfortunately, I'd have to be charming and witty and the only thing I'm exuding is sex...hot...sweaty...pulsing through my veins...I need it...badly. Hard to calm down lately. Every year it gets harder. I let my head hang and grit my teeth until my jaw pops ... my heart slows enough and I feel safe enough to move. My hand drops to my bare thigh and the touch of skin on skin...even my own...starts my heart racing again. I probably should have put on some panties before I left but I love how the wind caresses up my legs in my favorite mini-skirt.
The room goes black and all noise gets filtered out except for the constant bass of the music and it pulses through my body, helping move my need from my fingers through my thighs. Suddenly I'm all alone in my head. Nothing else matters but the wetness between my legs. My left hand lightly runs its fingers across my exposed chest...slowly dipping into my cleavage and running back up to my neck and jaw. My right hand finds its way under my skirt. Its fingers tracing the crevice where my leg meets my hip. The thumb lightly flicking itself over my mound...searching for the warmth.
Somewhere in the back of my mind I see myself sitting on this dirty bar stool..head tilted to the right, eyes closed, biting my bottom lip...legs spread enough that the red skirt is pushed up almost to my waist...hand lost in the folds of skin and fabric...chest heaving..what am I thinking...
I've got to pull myself together and get a fix. I slowly remove my hands and straighten my outfit without opening my eyes. I know there's another drink in front of me... a 'thanks for the show' gift. I reach out and swallow its contents slowly, letting it bring me back to myself. My eyelashes flutter and open and as they do I see every male at the bar staring at me with longing. I flash a smirk at all of them, slide off the stool and walk seductively out of the now quiet bar.
I love how my body moves when I walk. Cloth on skin...thighs touching...wetness slowly dripping, waiting to be caught with a tongue...hips rocking side to side...back arched slightly to push out my breasts.
I know they're watching...and I eat it up..
The room goes black and all noise gets filtered out except for the constant bass of the music and it pulses through my body, helping move my need from my fingers through my thighs. Suddenly I'm all alone in my head. Nothing else matters but the wetness between my legs. My left hand lightly runs its fingers across my exposed chest...slowly dipping into my cleavage and running back up to my neck and jaw. My right hand finds its way under my skirt. Its fingers tracing the crevice where my leg meets my hip. The thumb lightly flicking itself over my mound...searching for the warmth.
Somewhere in the back of my mind I see myself sitting on this dirty bar stool..head tilted to the right, eyes closed, biting my bottom lip...legs spread enough that the red skirt is pushed up almost to my waist...hand lost in the folds of skin and fabric...chest heaving..what am I thinking...
I've got to pull myself together and get a fix. I slowly remove my hands and straighten my outfit without opening my eyes. I know there's another drink in front of me... a 'thanks for the show' gift. I reach out and swallow its contents slowly, letting it bring me back to myself. My eyelashes flutter and open and as they do I see every male at the bar staring at me with longing. I flash a smirk at all of them, slide off the stool and walk seductively out of the now quiet bar.
I love how my body moves when I walk. Cloth on skin...thighs touching...wetness slowly dripping, waiting to be caught with a tongue...hips rocking side to side...back arched slightly to push out my breasts.
I know they're watching...and I eat it up..
How to Start Your Own Country
How to Start Your Own Country - wikiHow ((I mean seriously, who doesn't want their own nation?!))
Anyone can start their own country. That doesn't mean that people will recognize it, but hey, they generally won't stop you from trying--as long as they don't see it as a threat. So if you'd like to do your own thing in your own country, here's how to establish a micronation.
Steps
- Find territory for your micronation. Most micronationalists use their houses, land no one wants, or land on other planets. Some micronations exist on land unclaimed by other countries because of a loophole in a treaty. The Republic of Indian Stream, for example, is on land between the U.S. and Canada but is not under the jurisdiction of either because of ambiguous terms in the Treaty of Paris.[1] If you can't find land, though, make some! One millionaire activist piled sand onto a reef located in the Pacific Ocean south of Fiji and created an artificial island to start the Republic of Minerva.[2] But if you're not rich enough to make land, then just make it up--some of the more lighthearted micronations claim land on imaginary continents or planets.
- Declare your independence. If you have land, a declaration of independence will serve to claim that territory. Keep in mind, however, that actually sending your declaration of independence to gain recognition can lead to legal or military action if anyone disputes that claim. For example, when The Republic of Minerva issued a declaration of independence in letters to neighboring countries, the neighbors were very perturbed, and one of the countries decided to send their people to the island to take down the Minervan flag.[2] Besides, you can still function like an independent nation without actually declaring independence, like Taiwan does![3]
- Set up a government and constitution. This is a good time to consider why you're starting a country, and how you would like it to turn out. Here are some examples:
- recreating the past - e.g. Nova Roma, dedicated "to the restoration of classical Roman religion, culture and virtues"[4]
- just for fun - e.g. the Aerican Empire, based on strong senses of humour and a love of science fiction, fantasy, and games[5]
- to promote an agenda - e.g. Gay and Lesbian Kingdom of the Coral Sea Islands, on the uninhabited Coral Sea Islands off the coast of Queensland, in response to the Australian government's refusal to recognize same-sex marriage[6]
- Acquire citizens. You can have only yourself, if you want, or anyone who wants to join. Having a website, however, will help publicize your micronation to potential citizens around the world. You must also decide what you require of your citizens. Do they have to pass a test? Abide by certain laws? And what will they have to identify themselves as citizens of your country - A passport? Driver's license? Badge?
- Decide on symbols for your country. You should have a flag, a coat of arms, and any other way to represent yourself. If you want, you can turn an existing nation's flag upside-down so you don't have to sew one. Once you have symbols chosen, you can issue stamps, medals, and currency, if you'd like. Some micronations go as far as inventing their own culture and language. Of course, you might be content to create your own letterhead. After all, it's your country!
Tips
- If you want to stand a chance of being recognized, your country should have territory, a government, a permanent population, and be able to host diplomatic relations (the Montevideo Convention's requirements for statehood).
- Study existing and well-established micronations. What has led to their success? What can you learn from them?
Just me.
I am:
- just me...no more and no less
- old
- single (for god's sake, don't ask this cause it just proves to me that you're a dumbfuck!)
- a mother of 2 boys
- a college student (undergrad for the moment)
- intelligent
- uber awesome
- sarcastic
- overtly sexual
- more dirty minded than my father
- a strong believer in free love and condoms
- an amazingly strong person
- incredibly fragile
- resilient
- a horrific speller (god love spell-check!)
- a minister (weird huh?)
- not even 5'2"
- curvy
- beautiful
- a math ninja
- a failure at simple algebra
- a glorious nerd
- a collector of bumper stickers (ask me about my favorite ones...I may post some pics of them)
- a homebody who likes to get her freak on at the dance club!
- forgetful
- selfish
- jealous
- persistent
- sexy as hell
- a great conversationalist
- the gayest straight person you know ((thanks Victoria ;) ))
- hot for nerds
- a contradiction
I am not:
- your mother
- your ho/whore/bitch/skank etc. etc.
- for sale (unless your name is Victoria and my face has been between your boobs!)
- a good dancer
- a magnificent singer
- a genius
- a lesbian or bi-sexual even tho I really do appreciate the female body and all its beauty. I honestly just love dick...and I love it a lot...I promise!
- a wonderful cook, but I can read directions!
I have:
- a quick temper
- unending amounts of patience
- an uncanny ability to read people
- psychic powers ((ask me about them sometime))
- absolutely no direction sense whatsoever! I get lost in a brown paper bag with a neon sign that says "EXIT"
- amazing friends
- a brilliant mind
- a crazy sexy voice
- a great smile
- soft lips
- a nice ass
- big boobs! ((see, I do know it...you really don't have to tell me!!))
- a t-shirt obsession
- a weakness for topless guys
- no tolerance for stupidity ((none. Stupid people should be shot, it the head, at close range, before they reproduce. Seriously))
- no desire to be fucked in the ass
- a few kinks ((good luck finding those out))
- a sharp tongue
- a quick wit
- the ability to turn even the most mundane things sexual
- the ability to turn you on
- no desire to actually do it
- a daddy....I don't need you
I won't:
- fuck you
- suck you
- masturbate for you
- post any NSFW pics of me...or even anything that comes close
- give you my phone number
- give you my IM info
- automatically be your friend unless you interest me
- join your chat room just because you post a link in my comments
- eat brussel sprouts
- eat zucchini
- lie
I will:
- delete comments that I don't like
- delete ads in my comments
- make you laugh
- care deeply
- actually talk to you if you try
- enjoy life
- worry
- love without restriction
- look past the superficial
- be appreciative of your efforts
- be honest
So who are you?
- just me...no more and no less
- old
- single (for god's sake, don't ask this cause it just proves to me that you're a dumbfuck!)
- a mother of 2 boys
- a college student (undergrad for the moment)
- intelligent
- uber awesome
- sarcastic
- overtly sexual
- more dirty minded than my father
- a strong believer in free love and condoms
- an amazingly strong person
- incredibly fragile
- resilient
- a horrific speller (god love spell-check!)
- a minister (weird huh?)
- not even 5'2"
- curvy
- beautiful
- a math ninja
- a failure at simple algebra
- a glorious nerd
- a collector of bumper stickers (ask me about my favorite ones...I may post some pics of them)
- a homebody who likes to get her freak on at the dance club!
- forgetful
- selfish
- jealous
- persistent
- sexy as hell
- a great conversationalist
- the gayest straight person you know ((thanks Victoria ;) ))
- hot for nerds
- a contradiction
I am not:
- your mother
- your ho/whore/bitch/skank etc. etc.
- for sale (unless your name is Victoria and my face has been between your boobs!)
- a good dancer
- a magnificent singer
- a genius
- a lesbian or bi-sexual even tho I really do appreciate the female body and all its beauty. I honestly just love dick...and I love it a lot...I promise!
- a wonderful cook, but I can read directions!
I have:
- a quick temper
- unending amounts of patience
- an uncanny ability to read people
- psychic powers ((ask me about them sometime))
- absolutely no direction sense whatsoever! I get lost in a brown paper bag with a neon sign that says "EXIT"
- amazing friends
- a brilliant mind
- a crazy sexy voice
- a great smile
- soft lips
- a nice ass
- big boobs! ((see, I do know it...you really don't have to tell me!!))
- a t-shirt obsession
- a weakness for topless guys
- no tolerance for stupidity ((none. Stupid people should be shot, it the head, at close range, before they reproduce. Seriously))
- no desire to be fucked in the ass
- a few kinks ((good luck finding those out))
- a sharp tongue
- a quick wit
- the ability to turn even the most mundane things sexual
- the ability to turn you on
- no desire to actually do it
- a daddy....I don't need you
I won't:
- fuck you
- suck you
- masturbate for you
- post any NSFW pics of me...or even anything that comes close
- give you my phone number
- give you my IM info
- automatically be your friend unless you interest me
- join your chat room just because you post a link in my comments
- eat brussel sprouts
- eat zucchini
- lie
I will:
- delete comments that I don't like
- delete ads in my comments
- make you laugh
- care deeply
- actually talk to you if you try
- enjoy life
- worry
- love without restriction
- look past the superficial
- be appreciative of your efforts
- be honest
So who are you?
Heartless
| |
0
comments
|
Is it that hard? To not look any further? To believe that I'm the next best thing? To know that the same fucking words you told her while you were talking to me, will get back to me and cut through my heart...tear it to shreds. Here, let me pick up the pieces so you can toss them in the shredder...oh wait, let's burn it too...then let wild animals eat the ashes.
I mean really...do I mean so little? Or are you hiding...from everyone? I don't give a shit about everyone else. Only myself...and myself is fucking fragile. Damnit watch your mouth!
It's a simple question really. Am I enough for you...is anyone...will I ever be...and in the meantime, could you at least pretend to respect my heart or just give it back to me. Maybe you weren't really worth it....yes you are...but I can't be the one if I'm not...not for you...so let me be the one for someone else....just be a man about it.
I mean really...do I mean so little? Or are you hiding...from everyone? I don't give a shit about everyone else. Only myself...and myself is fucking fragile. Damnit watch your mouth!
It's a simple question really. Am I enough for you...is anyone...will I ever be...and in the meantime, could you at least pretend to respect my heart or just give it back to me. Maybe you weren't really worth it....yes you are...but I can't be the one if I'm not...not for you...so let me be the one for someone else....just be a man about it.
Fuck the letters
Number and words all blur together...the numbers are cold...calculating...without emotion. They know who they are, what they do, they have rules and identities and even when they're not real they're still important. A number is always the same...has the same value...the same purpose...letters and variables all bleed across the lines.
xy=q=sin(z)=f''(x)=whatthefuckdidireallymeantosay!?
you can't count on letters. they join together to form words and words are meaningless....one word can mean so many different things, inflection, posture, tilt of the head, form of the sentence ... you say the same words to me...to her...to him...to them....how, why...should I believe them...you?
1=1 and can NEVER = 4...until you throw those damn letters in there. Fuck the letters and the words and the variables. I want to see your numbers.
xy=q=sin(z)=f''(x)=whatthefuckdidireallymeantosay!?
you can't count on letters. they join together to form words and words are meaningless....one word can mean so many different things, inflection, posture, tilt of the head, form of the sentence ... you say the same words to me...to her...to him...to them....how, why...should I believe them...you?
1=1 and can NEVER = 4...until you throw those damn letters in there. Fuck the letters and the words and the variables. I want to see your numbers.
Unnumb....maybe.
Looking for happiness in my panties is a lost cause...my eyes see more action then they do.
Words are meaningless in the grand scale of things...but when words are all we have I'll cling to each and every one. I'll wrap each letter around my heart until I fell you breathing on my cheek. You make me want so many things I'd forgotten...my pulse gets quicker with the thought of you...you make me want you...but is it really you that I want, or a piece of my lost youth...to be loved deeply in return...to feel like I matter...to belong to someone...something....to be whole again.
Maybe I'm just looking for my place in life...would it be so bad if I were alone...would I ever be happy just watching you from the edge of the crowd...would I ever have the strength to walk away...would I even want to?
The angles of flesh are hard and jut in your face....here taste me...smell me...they scream...but they all feel the same....one scent blends into the next....can't tell where they meet...every arm, face, leg....meld together as one....I want to stand out...to scream at you .....
"This is madness.....please save me!"
but will you listen.....or will you hear what they do...my whisper is softer by the second...I want to be noticed..to be heard...to be important. I don't need you to justify my existence...but I do want you to enrich it....are you up to the challenge?
Words are meaningless in the grand scale of things...but when words are all we have I'll cling to each and every one. I'll wrap each letter around my heart until I fell you breathing on my cheek. You make me want so many things I'd forgotten...my pulse gets quicker with the thought of you...you make me want you...but is it really you that I want, or a piece of my lost youth...to be loved deeply in return...to feel like I matter...to belong to someone...something....to be whole again.
Maybe I'm just looking for my place in life...would it be so bad if I were alone...would I ever be happy just watching you from the edge of the crowd...would I ever have the strength to walk away...would I even want to?
The angles of flesh are hard and jut in your face....here taste me...smell me...they scream...but they all feel the same....one scent blends into the next....can't tell where they meet...every arm, face, leg....meld together as one....I want to stand out...to scream at you .....
"This is madness.....please save me!"
but will you listen.....or will you hear what they do...my whisper is softer by the second...I want to be noticed..to be heard...to be important. I don't need you to justify my existence...but I do want you to enrich it....are you up to the challenge?
The end is not near enough...
| Thursday, December 4, 2008 |
0
comments
|
Labels:
blow jobs,
cyber,
frat,
nude,
pissy,
sex,
talking to myself
One final down...5 more to go.../sigh. I really can't wait till next semester, no more writing!! If that doesn't scream orgasm I don't know what does. Seriously, I don't...any ideas?
So I got my frat letters on monday, very excited about that...forgot about the math club meeting yesterday, very bummed about that. I also got dirty santa'd, something I recomend to everyone several times in their life.
I have to ask...what is the thrill about posting nude photos of yourself online? I mean, seriously... what happened to saving a part of ourselves for our partner? Don't get me wrong, I don't mean saving our sex...I happen to be a firm believer in free love, but there's got to be something that's sacred.
So now I have men online begging me for nude photos, and getting pissy when I tell them it's not gonna happen...then they get even more pissy when I tell them I won't suck their dick...virtually or actually...ever...that's just gross...but meh, it's my own preference. It's definitely not something I would do for/to someone I just met.
Sometimes I wonder why I bother with the online life at all...and then I remember I have you and I feel all warm and fuzzy inside. --I wonder if it's a bad thing that I talk to myself like this?--
So I got my frat letters on monday, very excited about that...forgot about the math club meeting yesterday, very bummed about that. I also got dirty santa'd, something I recomend to everyone several times in their life.
I have to ask...what is the thrill about posting nude photos of yourself online? I mean, seriously... what happened to saving a part of ourselves for our partner? Don't get me wrong, I don't mean saving our sex...I happen to be a firm believer in free love, but there's got to be something that's sacred.
So now I have men online begging me for nude photos, and getting pissy when I tell them it's not gonna happen...then they get even more pissy when I tell them I won't suck their dick...virtually or actually...ever...that's just gross...but meh, it's my own preference. It's definitely not something I would do for/to someone I just met.
Sometimes I wonder why I bother with the online life at all...and then I remember I have you and I feel all warm and fuzzy inside. --I wonder if it's a bad thing that I talk to myself like this?--
Money and love...or am I just paying for sex?
Money is coming in...money I didn't expect...money I could definitely use. I'll spare you the details but it boils down to $2,000 of financial aid money I didn't know I was supposed to get because of a glitch in the system. So I'm sitting here wondering what I should spend it on...
Christmas won't be a big affair here. I'm so tired of the over importance of the "give me". So I'll buy Aidan a couple of things, send Devon a gift card to buy more clothes and that'll be the end of that day.
I'm thinking seriously about going to Washington to visit an online friend of mine. I've known him for about 3 or 4 years now. We flirt shamelessly...mostly because the chance of us meeting is rare and so we're safe. So there's a part of me that wants to believe (but I know better) that when I get there we will click and it will be wonderful and even romantic (or just a lot of hot, sweaty monkey sex - which is quite fine by me thankyouverymuch!)....and yet, even if it's not sexual at all I know that we will still click and it will be wonderful to be with him, because he's an amazing man. Of course it doesn't hurt that he's omg-sexy.
I'm cautiously excited...mostly because I don't have the money and I haven't made the plans yet....I don't want him to feel pressured so I tell him so and remind myself that I don't even have the ticket yet so I should really not worry about it. Besides, by the time I do get the money, the prices will probably have gone up too much and I won't be able to do it.
Figures.
______________________________
"Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I haven't tried." ~Mae West
Christmas won't be a big affair here. I'm so tired of the over importance of the "give me". So I'll buy Aidan a couple of things, send Devon a gift card to buy more clothes and that'll be the end of that day.
I'm thinking seriously about going to Washington to visit an online friend of mine. I've known him for about 3 or 4 years now. We flirt shamelessly...mostly because the chance of us meeting is rare and so we're safe. So there's a part of me that wants to believe (but I know better) that when I get there we will click and it will be wonderful and even romantic (or just a lot of hot, sweaty monkey sex - which is quite fine by me thankyouverymuch!)....and yet, even if it's not sexual at all I know that we will still click and it will be wonderful to be with him, because he's an amazing man. Of course it doesn't hurt that he's omg-sexy.
I'm cautiously excited...mostly because I don't have the money and I haven't made the plans yet....I don't want him to feel pressured so I tell him so and remind myself that I don't even have the ticket yet so I should really not worry about it. Besides, by the time I do get the money, the prices will probably have gone up too much and I won't be able to do it.
Figures.
______________________________
"Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I haven't tried." ~Mae West
Mathabulous
Is it totally awful that I'm excited to be done with this semester? Not that I don't totally enjoy myself in school...I just think that Anatomy is the devil. Well, my teacher to be exact. As long as I don't completely fail my next exam and the two finals in there, I should manage to squeek by with a decent C and while that doesn't normally make me happy enough to celebrate, I'm willing to host a party for that. It means that I'm done with that class and that it didn't fudge up my overall GPA horrendously. I refuse to take another semester of it so next year I'm doing Physics...(which I actually should have done anyway but I had a previous traumatic experience with it that Anatomy has cured me of).
Next semester though! I have 3 math classes and biology....and this makes me orgasmic. What classes do I have you ask? Well I'll tell you! Calc 2, Linear Algebra, and Mathematical Computations. I may actually pick up one more class because I'm really ready to be done with my Bachelor's as quick as possible. I've got 8 years of school behind me now and 5-6 more ahead of me for my Doctorate....I'm anxious to move on to my next step.
Plus, next semester I get to study less words and more numbers....and that's what it's all about! :)
Is there more?
I keep coming back to my blog to try and write something more...but I keep seeing my last post and nothing seems pertinant anymore. That's really kinda sad, and it bothers me.
I'm planning a trip to NY this summer. I'd love to get a bunch of my online and RL friends together for a weekend or so. I'm even hoping that some of my overseas friends will be able to make it. Gosh that would be the best weekend ever!
I need to go work out and then get some sleep...showed the girls the joy of google tonight *giggle*
EDIT: I have no qualms about putting that link in my blog because no one reads it besides me and I'm well over the age of 18 and don't mind adult material...however, if in the future someone actually starts to read my stuff and they're not at least 18 or are offended by adult material....DON'T CLICK THE LINK! - You've been warned...now quit whining!
Twilight Madness
| Tuesday, November 11, 2008 |
0
comments
|
Labels:
bella,
books,
devore,
edward,
it's complicated,
movie,
twilight,
xkcd
I've ignored it for long enough....and I got bored Friday, so while I was at K-Mart I saw the book, remembered my friends telling me I had to read it, remembered my love of vampire stories (no matter how cheesy), realized I had the $6 in the bank to buy the book so I did. I took it home Friday night and read it. I didn't finish it, but only because it was 2am on Saturday by now and I had to get up at 7am to support my fraternity and eat pancakes. After the pancakey goodness I went home and finished the book in roughly 30-45 minutes.
I really thought it was a good book. Nothing like everyone else's enjoyment/obsession ("OMG I'm going to die because I want Edward to be real so I can live every teenage girl's fantasy!!!") of it, but it was really good. I loved it because it wasn't a vampire story...it was a human story. Yeah ok, I couldn't ignor that the Cullen's were vampires of course, but Stephanie Meyer was amazing at making it real and human. The emotions drew me in...the inner struggles, the complexities, they were deep and real. Even the struggles that Edward had...those internal struggles of a tortured soul, were human (well, aside from the blood drinking thing). The story captured my heart quickly and kept it long after I put the book down.
So now we're into Saturday and I would have been fine. I said I liked the book, not that I was obsessed with it. I would have been able to wait till next payday to buy the next book New Moon....but then I made the mistake of reading the teaser in the back of Twilight....I called my friend then and asked to borrow the next two books. She, of course, said yes and I ran out the door, in my pajamas and dinner in the oven, to her apartment down the street.
I finished New Moon and started on Eclipse Saturday. Sunday was finishing Eclipse and starting on Breaking Dawn. Monday I finished Breaking Dawn and thought I was done. Heaven knows I was exhausted from lack of sleep. Yet I felt so ... alive ... It was almost as if those books renewed a passion in me that had long been dormant....I loved it, but it frustrated me at the same time. You see, a passion like that isn't good if you don't have someone else to share it with *sigh*. Oh well.
I thought for sure I was free of the bonds...but my friends are asking if I'm going to see the movie. I was hesitant because I really feel that the movie would ruin the story for me. They would take the honest and heart felt humanity from it and stuff it full of action, sex, and vampires (not that I would complain...but I really feel like I should protect the story...I don't want it to be corrupted).
So I started surfing around aimlessly, and I remembered a work partner had said something about the trailor being pretty good. He was in the same boat as me...had never heard of the story but was going to the movie because his "it's complicated" girl wanted to go see it. Yeah, I watched the trailor...8 times....I guess I'm going to see the movie. ((Edit: I just watched the trailor again...damn I hate obsessing))
Then I found a gem...Midnight Sun the first half of Twilight written from Edwards point of view. It was amazing to be able to compair the manuscript to the book and fill in the few blanks.
Sometimes I don't like being alone....
So just lock me in a closet till it's over.
I mean really...I just want to curl up in a ball and die this semester. I hate Anatomy and just so you know, I've never been ok with getting a 64 on an exam but in this class for me, that's like getting a friggin' A....too bad I got a 52 on this last one.
I hate anatomy so much....a monkey could do better than me. :(
Calculate Pi by Throwing Frozen Hot Dogs - wikiHow
Calculate Pi by Throwing Frozen Hot Dogs - wikiHow
Throwing a pie in someone's face is good. Throwing food at pi is better. Believe it or not, of all the countless ways to approximate the most prolific irrational number in the universe, there are none quite as interesting or as surprisingly satisfying as throwing perfectly good food around your kitchen. In fewer steps than it takes to circumscribe your house in a circle of baguettes, you, too, can easily add a slice of pi into your dinner menu tonight. The best part is...it really works!
How to Calculate Pi by Throwing Frozen Hot Dogs
from wikiHow - The How to Manual That You Can EditThrowing a pie in someone's face is good. Throwing food at pi is better. Believe it or not, of all the countless ways to approximate the most prolific irrational number in the universe, there are none quite as interesting or as surprisingly satisfying as throwing perfectly good food around your kitchen. In fewer steps than it takes to circumscribe your house in a circle of baguettes, you, too, can easily add a slice of pi into your dinner menu tonight. The best part is...it really works!
Steps
- Select your food item to throw. There are a couple of qualifications. First, it must be long, thin, and straight, like a frozen hot dog, for example. There are lots of other items that fit this criterion including Otter Pops, celery sticks, and churros. (If you simply can't come to grips with throwing perfectly good food, see the Tips section for some additional ideas.) Second, it must be a reasonably stiff item. Third, it should be somewhere between six and eighteen inches long. The experiment can be performed otherwise, but read on, and you will see why this size is optimal.
- Select the spot from where you will throw your mathematical cuisine. You will probably need about 6-10 feet in front of you as you will be throwing straight ahead.
- Clear the area. The place at which you are throwing should be devoid of objects that your food item could possibly run in to. So, if you are throwing in your kitchen, consider moving the table into another room or at least throwing in such a way that your food won't hit the table during its flight.
- Measure the length of your projectile (e.g. your frozen hot dogs). A tape measure should do the trick. Be as accurate as you can, even down to the millimeter, for best results.
- Lay down masking tape in parallel strips across the floor as far apart as your projectile is long. The strips should be perpendicular to the direction you will be throwing (see picture below). Do about 6-10 strips if your item is 6-18 inches long; fewer, if longer; more, if shorter.
- Get a piece of paper and across the top make a column for “Tosses” and another column for "Crosses." The "Tosses" column is to keep track of how many times you throw your food item. The "Crosses" column is to keep track of how many times your item, once it lands and stops moving, is lying across one of the lines.
- Now, get into position, and THROW YOUR FOOD! Throw just one item at a time. Once it is at rest, observe whether or not it is crossing one of the lines. If it is, put a tick under "Crosses" and a tick under "Tosses." If it isn't, just put a tick under "Tosses." Repeat this as many times as you like. You should start seeing some interesting results by around 100 to 200 throws (it doesn't take as long as it sounds, especially if you use a pack of 10 frozen hot dogs so you're not out retrieving the one hot dog after every throw).
- Once you are done throwing your food, multiply the number of tosses by two and divide by the number of crosses. For example, if you threw 500 times, and it crossed 320 times, you would calculate 500 x 2 / 320. And, to your amazement, you will now have an approximation for pi! Now, don't you feel less stressed?
Tips
- For those who are troubled by throwing perfectly good food, consider throwing sticks, dowels, or pencils. In fact, any item will do so long as it is long, thin, straight, and stiff.
- If room is a concern, consider just drawing lines on a piece of paper and dropping toothpicks onto the paper from about three feet up. This definitely is not as refreshing as throwing food across the room, but it works.
- The more the merrier! If two or three throw food together, you will get a better approximation faster because you will be able to get more throws in a shorter amount of time.
- For the mathematically-inclined, this experiment is actually real! The proof and other details can be found at mathworld.wolfram.com: Buffon Needle Problem
- This type of approach (essentially, using random numbers to experimentally solve a problem) is also known as Monte Carlo Simulation.
- A quick estimation of pi is 22/7; a much better one is 355/113 (note the memorable pattern of the digits); an even better estimate than that is 3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944. Or, you could just press the "pi" key on your calculator.
Warnings
- Remember that this is an experiment, so the idea is not to TRY and get the food to land on one of the lines. Just throw it randomly towards the lines. It should still land amongst them, but don't jinx the experiment by encouraging your dinner to land onto the tape.
- Resist the temptation to use bananas. Not only are they not really straight, but they really won't last more than 50 throws before creating a big mess. Really.
- Though there is no food that is more fun to throw than hot dogs, the math buff will note that greater accuracy will be found the thinner the lines of tape and the thinner the food. Try uncooked spaghetti sticks, for example, for greater accuracy.
- Hitting someone in the eye with a hot dog, especially if it is frozen, is generally not a good idea.
- Also if you have a pet (aka dog or cat), they may feel inclined to eat the hot dogs, and thus ruin your experiment. Try putting them outside (or in another room if they have to stay inside) for this experiment.
Things You'll Need
- Pen and Paper
- Masking Tape
- Calculator
- Long, Thin, Straight, Stiff Food. Preferably a pack of frozen hot dogs
Related wikiHows
- How to Memorize Pi
- How to Celebrate Pi Day
- How to Calculate the Area of a Circle
- How to Find a Gift for a Self Proclaimed Nerd or Geek
- How to Write an Ode About Math
- How to Calculate Your Age by Chocolate
- How to Add 5 Consecutive Numbers Quickly
Sources and Citations
- This article is a humorous rendition of a real experiment called the Buffon Needle Problem
- A Buffon Approximation Experiment lesson plan for classrooms
- An applet simulating the experiment
Article provided by wikiHow, a collaborative writing project to build the world's largest, highest quality how-to manual. Please edit this article and find author credits at the original wikiHow article on How to Calculate Pi by Throwing Frozen Hot Dogs. All content on wikiHow can be shared under a Creative Commons license.
Negligable
so they don't understand....why the crimson sky is now green. why to lights have shimmered out to a pale orange and then nothing. why her tears never stop. the pain is silly some say. silly, pointless, unnecessary, but real. it's not a new thing, crying. her eyes itch for an eternity. maybe a lump in her throat she can't swallow. the tears are a welcome release. one lone trailblazer trickles down her cheek and hangs precious seconds before release from her jaw. nothing new really. but the pain in her chest. caused by his tongue, mouth, hands, feet. she should laugh at him really. no sense does he make. but the words...cut through her armor....one at a time. make her doubt. make her wonder. she wants to close her eyes and forget. the pain from his touches and words. it just gets worse. sounds echo in her head. all she hears now...you're not worthy, you're ugly, you're fat, you're stupid, you don't deserve anything....and she cries. she wonders.
I'm here to tell you something. You are worth it, you're beautiful, you're brilliant, and you will forget about him. He's going to go through life looking back and wondering what happened to you. Cursing himself for not keeping you. He's going to be the one to cry.
I'm sorry he hurt you.
I'm here to tell you something. You are worth it, you're beautiful, you're brilliant, and you will forget about him. He's going to go through life looking back and wondering what happened to you. Cursing himself for not keeping you. He's going to be the one to cry.
I'm sorry he hurt you.
Turbulence
The planets are out of alignment or something. Maybe someone pissed in my cheerios the last week...except that I don't eat cheerios so there goes that theory.
I'm sitting here making ghost-pops for homecoming tomorrow...I'm doing this alone while the other group members are off doing god knows what with god knows who. There are a lot of lollipops and I'm low on Kleenex. Which means that they'll be by late to bring me more tissues, help me make the rest of the pops and then leave. Which means I'll be up till god know when yet again...and I don't even have an exam in the morning.
Tomorrow I've promised 4 of us to help another group at homecoming...I don't even know if we'll have enough to sit at our own booth.
I don't really know what's wrong with me lately...maybe my time of the month except I don't have those anymore...I'm feeling super pissy about every little thing. I don't feel like I'm getting enough help with anything from anybody. I almost am starting to feel overwhelm because when I do get a little bit of free time I should be making phone calls and scheduling classes to make some money but all I want to do is throw myself on the bed and hide from the world. I was even pissy at the bug today, and he doesn't deserve it at all.
I tried to surround myself with friends and that's fine for a little while, but honestly I'm just faking it. I don't want to be around them. I want to be around my online friends and joke and laugh and word spar for hours. I want to stay up until 4am and then sleep in until I feel like getting up out of bed. But that's not gonna happen....not even close.
So I guess I'll play a little Jason Mraz, feel a little lonely, wallow in self-pity for a regulated amount of time and then go to bed. That should do the trick....right?
"Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I haven't tried." ~Mae West
I'm sitting here making ghost-pops for homecoming tomorrow...I'm doing this alone while the other group members are off doing god knows what with god knows who. There are a lot of lollipops and I'm low on Kleenex. Which means that they'll be by late to bring me more tissues, help me make the rest of the pops and then leave. Which means I'll be up till god know when yet again...and I don't even have an exam in the morning.
Tomorrow I've promised 4 of us to help another group at homecoming...I don't even know if we'll have enough to sit at our own booth.
I don't really know what's wrong with me lately...maybe my time of the month except I don't have those anymore...I'm feeling super pissy about every little thing. I don't feel like I'm getting enough help with anything from anybody. I almost am starting to feel overwhelm because when I do get a little bit of free time I should be making phone calls and scheduling classes to make some money but all I want to do is throw myself on the bed and hide from the world. I was even pissy at the bug today, and he doesn't deserve it at all.
I tried to surround myself with friends and that's fine for a little while, but honestly I'm just faking it. I don't want to be around them. I want to be around my online friends and joke and laugh and word spar for hours. I want to stay up until 4am and then sleep in until I feel like getting up out of bed. But that's not gonna happen....not even close.
So I guess I'll play a little Jason Mraz, feel a little lonely, wallow in self-pity for a regulated amount of time and then go to bed. That should do the trick....right?
"Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I haven't tried." ~Mae West
The Invitation
| Saturday, October 11, 2008 |
0
comments
|
Labels:
life,
love,
native american,
poetry,
quotes,
sayings
It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”
It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.
~Oriah Mountain Dreamer~
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”
It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.
~Oriah Mountain Dreamer~
It burns...
| Friday, October 10, 2008 |
0
comments
|
Labels:
anatomy,
biology,
body oder,
classes,
dr. f,
drag queen,
math,
otaku,
religion,
school,
swg,
wolverine doll
My eyes are burning and I have no idea what I'm doing up at this hour... I lied, I know why. It's because it's Friday and I didn't have anything scheduled to do tonight and I felt lost. So instead of cracking open a book to study for midterms next week, I've decided to seer my eyeballs to the screen of my laptop.
I actually had every intention of sloughing off completely and playing a little bit of SWG but that didn't work out the way I planned. I ended up doing work for the group.... and yet I'm sure I missed something...I need to get my notepad out and start writing things down again. Just having my calendar online isn't enough apparently. I wish it were more portable.
I love my fabulous Wolverine doll....but...he smells funny. Like a combination of funny weed, alcohol, cigarettes, half dried blood, and ass. I guess that's a work hazard. He's an amazing person. I love him to pieces. God love Otaku for dating him.
I've been thinking in numbers lately....and random vocabulary words, like ahimsa and moksa (sp?) and puja. Wondering if Dr. F. will ever get tired of all the disrespect those kids give him and tell them to shut the f up....or will I snap first? My heart goes out to him. He's an awesome teacher, but these kids have no respect anymore...
I'm definately not taking BIO with the same teacher next semester. This guy is quite off his rocker if I may be so bold. He makes my skin crawl....aside from that, he's a pretty decent teacher...God love my drag queen for giving me his notes - and desktop photos and other random things I spy on his computer lol.
Anatomy...I'd be insane to take it again next semester with the same teacher....but once you have one teacher you get used to them....but dangit he's got so much we have to know...and it's all over the place!
I miss my girls...they got to go to pidgeon forge without me. I hate being broke.
I hate that my mother is in a completely different state, living in her car, no job, no home, no money and I don't have any money to be able to help her.
I actually had every intention of sloughing off completely and playing a little bit of SWG but that didn't work out the way I planned. I ended up doing work for the group.... and yet I'm sure I missed something...I need to get my notepad out and start writing things down again. Just having my calendar online isn't enough apparently. I wish it were more portable.
I love my fabulous Wolverine doll....but...he smells funny. Like a combination of funny weed, alcohol, cigarettes, half dried blood, and ass. I guess that's a work hazard. He's an amazing person. I love him to pieces. God love Otaku for dating him.
I've been thinking in numbers lately....and random vocabulary words, like ahimsa and moksa (sp?) and puja. Wondering if Dr. F. will ever get tired of all the disrespect those kids give him and tell them to shut the f up....or will I snap first? My heart goes out to him. He's an awesome teacher, but these kids have no respect anymore...
I'm definately not taking BIO with the same teacher next semester. This guy is quite off his rocker if I may be so bold. He makes my skin crawl....aside from that, he's a pretty decent teacher...God love my drag queen for giving me his notes - and desktop photos and other random things I spy on his computer lol.
Anatomy...I'd be insane to take it again next semester with the same teacher....but once you have one teacher you get used to them....but dangit he's got so much we have to know...and it's all over the place!
I miss my girls...they got to go to pidgeon forge without me. I hate being broke.
I hate that my mother is in a completely different state, living in her car, no job, no home, no money and I don't have any money to be able to help her.
Changes
Life is all about changes. Everywhere you look things change, before your very eyes. No matter what you try to do to stop it. Oh sure, it might seem like for one fleeting moment you've managed to stop it. Turn your back, and it laughs at you and does what it wants.
Mmmm, I love me some Dexter.
Mmmm, I love me some Dexter.
